The Full Bush

Photo by: http://laughoutloud.us/photo/mow-the-pubic-hair-tattoo/

I was thinking about women's bushes and their styles. You see, there has been a bit of a controversy around the Brazilian wax. Apparently it's giving the vagina a hard time.

Weird right, a Vag hair style being a controversy. Like we don't have enough to worry about in the world. At the same time, the Brazilian wax is a total movement. People who get them do it religiously. Again, weird obsession with pubic hair.

So I started to wonder if it had something to do with partner preference. In this day and age, how would a man react if he pulled down a lady's pants and was time warped into the 1960s? Personally, I bet he'd hit it anyway and then just talk about it to his friends later. Personally, I can't imagine eating out carpet. Not that poonanny is my cup of tea either but it is an even less desirable thought when it includes a mouthful of hair.

And it's not just us ladies. If I pulled down Mr. Rant's pants and found a freaking rain forest, we'd have to talk. My throat does not like to be flossed. Leave the hair but make some room for us to get in there without the fear of getting trapped in a jungle.

So I ask you, how important is pubic hair? Do you have a preference or are you just pleased to be getting some?

Vaginas, Brazilian Waxes, and a Thing they Call Feminism

I've been reading a lot about Vaginas these days. Let's just blame Facebook and Vagina enthusiasts.

Acutally, it all started with a piece about vaginoplasty. Some crazy thing where women go to get their Vages all cut up and made "normal." Personally, I don't find this shocking at all as we live in a culture that wants to physical perfect everything. It was only a matter of time until the Vag became the next victim of the endless search for perfection and the use of material/physical means to give emotional satisfaction.

What I found shocking was the blatant attack against the Brazilian Bikini wax! I mean, sure we all like to find scape goats but leave my wax alone! Take this for example:

"And so it is that for a woman, to Brazilian wax or not to Brazilian wax becomes a feminist question. “If you wax, you pull [feminism] out by the roots, and therefore you’re no longer a feminist and you have to turn in your Feminist Membership Card,” one blogger wrote on Feministe.us."

Sorry to disappoint you but my feminism is not located in my pubic hair, nor am I making a statement by getting my anus waxed. And it gets worse.

“That leads to the key point any feminist -- card-carrying or otherwise -- must consider when deciding whether waxing is for her: For every Brazilian you get, another woman might feel more pressured to do so. Symbolically speaking, you’re not alone on that salon table, with your ankles up around your ears as you exhale with each rip of the wax strip. And that takes sisterhood to a whole new level. That’s what makes waxing such a slippery-slope of a feminist question -- it’s never going to be a feminist act, but, should you decide to get one, you need to ask yourself some tough questions to make your salon visit at least a little kinder to the sisterhood.”

Now I'm really going to call BULLSHIT on this one! Be kinder to sisterhood? Why doesn't sisterhood go take a nap and give this girl a little break. When did my Vagina become your billboard for your feminism? It's my vagina and so what if she prefers to sport a runway style. Do I give you crap if you wear old birkenstocks and armpit hair? No. To each their own.

As for the wax, personally, I do it for myself. Sure, Mr. Rant is now accustomed to a tamed bush but he would never say anything if I went retro, and I have.  I like a good Brazilian wax. It allows my Vag to freely breath, letting in the open air. I feel I'm giving her a skylight to the world.

And why does getting a wax have to be considered removing your femininity?  I feel it's quite the opposite. It's putting your femininity right out onto the table. I dare you to start comparing vaginas and you'll see a whole lot more on a waxed one, that's for sure.

So leave my Brazilian wax alone and figure something else to overly analyse and use as an excuse for shocking things happening in the world. If we keep this up, Brazilian waxes could be blamed for Afghanistan and there'd be no turning back then.

My standpoint, get it waxed and show the girl off!

As for vaginoplasty, I will let that one stand on it's own.  I can't imagine feeling such disgust for my Vaggie Girl that I would want to get her cut up.  I bet those women are coming from an interesting place and I ask you to not negate their feelings about their Vaginas by blaming society for their decisions.

On a side note, check this documentary on the search for the perfect vagina when you have a chance. It's very interesting, sad, and shocking at the same time. The Perfect Vagina 

Cara de Pau!

I'm starting to think my waxer is mocking me. 

I went to the salon to get my feet demasculated, when I decided I should just get my legs waxed too. Nothing turns on a husband more than a painted and de-haired woman.

My waxer, being the gem she is, was available.  Of course I'm a glutton for punishment and started up the chit chat. I really shouldn't be allowed to chit chat. 

Push came to shove and it came out that I'm an English teacher by profession. Shocker, she's taking a course and has one questions. Just one!

Sure I'll take a look at it. No problem. 

Post wax and 10 minutes of free English class later, I'm doing her homework!  As we would say in Brazil 'Cara de Pau!'. I think it sounds so much better in English: Penis Face!  I'm so mature, I know.

Anyway, I really did attempt to teach her as opposed to doing her homework but she wouldn't have it.  I would start to explain, in Portuguese, and she would push the whole 'but what would I write?'.  For starters, it's against all the 3 beliefs I have to teach English in Portuguese.  Secondly, she isn't my student. I withheld my, 'you are only hurting yourself' speech because it is directly followed by the 'you are not paying me to speak to you in Portuguese' speech. She wasn't paying me at all!  Actually, I paid her to rip my hair out and cause me pain only to give her a free mini-class. 

Really, it's not a big deal. I didn't mind.  But when she pulled a second worksheet out of the chapter I had already helped her finish, I said enough! I promptly did the worksheet with little explanation. Yes, I'm a wuss. So what. She got her homework and I kept my tip. Oh yeah, I kept my R$5 as payment.  She actually sat there and waited in an awkward silence, giving me that where's the extra look. 

I do not feel awkward that easily. If I did, I'd be living in a closet at this point in my life. When it hit me what she was waiting for, I gave a little wave and went about my ex-pat way.

Nothing in life is free. Not English class and not even a paid wax.

Sorry, did you say Labia or Apartment for rent?

Waxing chit chat has always weirded me out.  It's like a strange social volleyball match, working to keep the the conversation going back and forth while all players attempt to not get anything burnt off. 

It's just odd.

Take today, for example. I went in to get my lady parts beautified and ended up talking real estate. 

That should be outlawed! No one should have to discuss rising mortgage rates while someone is messing around in between their legs.  It was either that or my viewpoint, as a foreigner, on Dilma's win.  I chose the lesser of two evils.

I know what you are going to say, why talk at all.  Well, that just makes it worse.  I end up having flashbacks to my early boyfriends, just waiting for them to finish down there so I can get on with my day.  Some memories are best left dormant.

And I won't even begin to imagine what she's thinking.  She's working, she's having to be on for the client, and she has to try not to rip anything important off with the hair.  I'm sure she was like, "great another foreigner who I have to attempt to understand while de-beastifying."

Of course, she's Brazilian, kinder by nature than us Americans, so I bet it was more like,"oh, a foreigner, I wonder how she likes Rio. I bet we're going to need the spatula for this one."

But this is what society has come to. We are small talkers and uncomfortable in silence. 

I will say though, my favorite little chit chat moment today went something like this:

Waxer: "You know how it is, everything in Brazil is just done a little half-assed. I'm finish, is it ok? (pointing to her work)"

Me: " You missed a spot"

Waxer: "See what I mean."

I Dream of Waxing Vaginas.

I starting thinking about career waxers today.  I'm not talking about esthetician but Brazilian Vagina waxing laborers.

I know jobs are scarce here and you do what you have to do, but waxing?  In a practical sense, I can imagine a cousin of a girl works at Pello Menos and can get her a job.  Fair enough.  But passionate waxers? Does that exist?  I've never been waxed by a 13 year old boy so it's hard to imagine.  They are about the only people I could see finding joy in that line of work.  That would be because it's the closest they get to "that line of work".

I guess if you starting asking, you could question urologists and gynocologists too. For that matter, proctologists.  Alright, gynos get to deliver babies.  They are clear in my book. Urologists... I'm sure they do something.  Proctologists have no excuse.  By definition: a doctor specializing in diseases of the rectum and anus.  Hi, I'm Dr. So and So's wife. He gets his kicks sticking his fingers in old people's tooshies. Oh wait, I think I just explained that one.

I don't even want to think of my waxing getting any sort of kicks, although I swear it happened to me once.  No, I don't want to talk about it. Ok, I'll sum it up as some questionable finger placement. 

Moving on, when you are getting that intimate with a person, you're curious on how they started their career.  Hell, my husband had to know me for far longer than my waxer to get that deep of a look. And down here in Rio de Janeiro, they are so thorough that you'd think they are looking for a winning lotto number in there.  Needless to say, they do a damn good job.

One thing every woman who comes to Rio needs to do, is get a Brazilian wax. I'm not talking about the , "I don't take off my undies" basic wax.  You need to come and get the, "oh you haven't you passed through puberty, wait I think I found some hair!" wax. If you are going to do it, do it all the way!  It's Brazil baby.

On a serious note, go to a place that is well known and doesn't reuse the wax. I mention Pello Menos above but I read an article that named them as reusers.  The article said that boiling the wax does not kill everything and that includes HIV. I'm not a scientist and I can't say for sure.  Either way, it's really nasty to think of someone's hair covered hard wax being spread on my special parts, even if it's been boiled. Find a good place that throws that stuff out! There's one in Largo do Machado.

For a more complete explanation of Brazilian waxing, check out kajyoga