Brazil Counters France in Parenting Style

For all you not reading the required obsessive literature on how to raise your children correctly, and simultaneously making yourself feel inadequate, you may not realize the current hip method is comparing yourself to the French.   

I found this brilliant article: Why American Kids Are Brats by Judith Warner and it really hit home. The theory is that French children more polite, follow instructions, and generally treat other people with greater respect. 

And that comes directly from being taught, from the earliest age, that they’re not the only ones with feelings and needs.

And she hits more nails on the head:

American parents assiduously strove to make sure that their children’s wants and needs came first, no matter what. This sometimes had a name — “advocating for your child” — and was clearly predicated on the belief that if you didn’t yourself do it, didn’t teach your child to “self-advocate,” no one would, and in the great stampede for resources and rewards your child would get left behind in the dust.

I find that learning that the world does not revolve around you is something that most of us Americans have difficulties with post High School. That trip to "find ourselves" by living out of a backpack and getting drunk on foreign alcohol or informing our parents that we need the "college experience" and thus they have to pay upwards of $20,000 a year for us to live in a dorm room. There is a sense of entitlement that our own parents are guilty of giving us.

Brazil is different. While all classes are heavily guilty of doting on their children, it is mainly with snacks and a lack of boundaries. But there is a beauty behind the method of madness here. Brazilian children are raised to be flexible. They will go with the flow at an adult party, finding something to play with. Except for in the upper classes, you will not see a Mother pull an ipad out of her purse, many times they don't even bring toys. The children are expected to find a way to amuse themselves. Normally they end up playing with other children in the same situation. 

It makes me wonder. Is my preparedness for my childrens' needs actually continuing this expectation that their whims should and must be met first? Unlike French parents, I almost always carry water just in case my boys get thirsty on the street. I usually have a small back up toy available in my purse for both. And I rarely push them to go to something that they openly don't want to.

Then I think, does it really matter anyway? Honestly, is my son going to become an ass when he grows up because his Mother could produce water upon request while at the park? Doubtful. It is also doubtful that he'll feel more loved. Basically he'll just not be thirsty at that given moment. 

Regardless, I do find that, while obviously different from France, Brazilian children are also taught some social graces. While I doubt they compare to the politeness of a little Parisian lad, Brazilian children are more casually comfortable socializing with adults. 

In Brazil children kiss all members of the family on the cheek and give a personal hello and goodbye. That means that at a family lunch my children, even the 3 yr old, will go around and give each of the 20 some odd people their a kiss and say hello. This is a cultural habit that I have personally enforced because I liked the idea of my boys giving that direct attention and learning that one must jump through some social hoops to make others happy.

This is something you would never see stateside. As a child I would walk into the home of a friend and maybe give a little wave but that was all. The expectation of a personal hello and having a casual chat with the grown ups is fabulous. Between this and the required sharing of all toys at the parks and beaches, I find that Brazilian children interact better with each other and adults than their American counterparts. 

All in all, I can not say that I would ever be capable of parenting as the French. I just really don't see the big deal in sitting in my childrens' room for 10 minutes as they go to sleep. I really really don't see how forcing them to sit and clean their plate does any sort of good. Of course that comes from a person who as a child that didn't eat onions nor tomatoes until she was in her 20s. Proud to say that I now LOVE both of them. 

Anyway, I do feel though that raising my children in Brazil has pushed me off the normal track of American parenting. Although it may have been towards the opposite side of the spectrum from the French, it's still getting the job done. I believe that we can all learn from how people in other places raise their children.

What about you? How do you raise your children? What rules are a must? And would you change your parenting style based on a book?

Who is Responsible for Baby Le Moaligou?

I read an article today about a French couple, Joel and Sergine Le Moaligou, who were recently convicted of causing the death of their 11 month old daughter.

These two were "alternative." That in and of itself is a vague classification. I can say, after reading the article, that they were not alternative but were stupid.

There are a couple of arguments going on. One is about the child being exclusively breastfed at 11 months. Look, it's not my cake but I know people who are eating, baking, and selling this cake. Their kids are fine.

Oh but the Mother was Vegan. Oh my God! She did not eat animal products! Then she must be weak and vitamin deficient. You know, it far from my diet but I would not assume all that.

If done well, a Vegan diet can be even better than a diet full of meat. For starters, oh the fiber. We meat eaters have a bit of an issue with getting the right amount. And, FYI, there are other forms of protein, Iron, and B12. I couldn't tell you what they are but they exist.

So the logical question is, am I defending these people? Hell no! I think they have left over sacks of crazy to sell to others. The thing that gets me is that they did not get their child treated when she did not flourish.

The little girl was losing weight and had been diagnosed with pneumonia. Would a sane person then ignore the doctor's orders to go to the hospital and return home to refer to a book written in the 70s?? They went home and, instead of professional medical help, tried cabbage and clay compressions.

Ok, let's play devil's advocate here. So you try this out first. It does not go well. The child is losing weight and getting worse. What do you do? You take them to the hospital!

What did Mr. and Mrs. Le Moaligou do? They continued on their own path and she died.

A baby died. A baby died because of stupidity and poor judgement.

Personally, I feel this is horrific. A child died who could have potentially been saved. Her parents were idiots, and not because of diet but because of lack of action.

Do I think they loved her?

I can't say that they didn't.  First, I doubt that cabbage and clay compressions are an easy thing to do on an 11 month old. That was obviously what they thought was best. While it's clear that they are about as sharp as a tea spoon, can we charge people for being stupid? I know an innocent child died but let's face it, it's not unheard of for a small child to die due to parental stupidity.

What gets me is the lack of community action. There is no way I'd get away with this in Rio. My child can't look sideways without someone criticizing me over how he may strain his neck. And while it was the parent's responsibility, we can see that the sane parent boat had sailed long ago. Why didn't the doctor follow up? He was the professional that knew what was going on, why didn't he check with the hospital to make sure they checked in? Why not give a little call to the house?

I think we are lacking a bit of personal care here. No, he is not to blame, the parents are. But they are dumb-asses and the baby died. A 2 minute phone call from a professional could have made a difference. Call protective services. Do something!

All that being said, I would hate to see this tragic event turn into an attack into breastfeeding and Vegans. The Mother didn't make sure she had the health to breastfeed for extended periods of time, but that does not mean it's the case for everyone. I dear you to attack a Fast Food Momma who is throwing a bottle at her child because breastfeeding gets in the way of her bucket of KFC. Go to my country, I'm sure you'll find plenty for your case study. Hell, some may even be related to me. You never know.

The thing is that we can not lose sight of what this is about.  It is not diet or lifestyle so much as extremism. These two were extreme. They did not want medical attention when they knew things were off. They did not want to take the means they needed to when their lifestyle was not the best option for their child. They were stubborn. They were wrong. And you know what their punishment was? They lost their baby.

The moral of this story: You may have your beliefs of what is best for your child, but if they are physically ill and/or unhealthy under them you have to get help! I know science and medicine have the "bad guy" label to a lot of people but we all seem to forget that people used to die. People used to die a lot during childbirth, from basic childhood illnesses, and from anything else. Hell, why do you think your Grandparents are afraid of a cold breeze?

There needs to be a happy medium between medicine and lack there of.

What do you guys think?

Guest Blogger: American in France

I'm a big fan of the blog Sara in Le Petit Village.  I feel more cultured just by reading her blog. Imagine if I actually got to live in Provence, France!  Well, I don't know if that would work. I maybe be too drunk off great wine to become cultured.  That or high off cheese. Hey, this is not helping convince me to stay away...

Anyway, she has so kindly allowed me to use her as a guest blogger!  Without further ado, your expat in the beautiful South of France, Sara in Le Petit Village:

inappropriate

The Husband went for his annual check up and he phoned me afterwords...
(We had a a bet to see if he has gained weight since I moved in; he did, 1kg)

He was happy to report that the doctor told him he was perfect (but as he said, she didn't check his brain), and then he told me that when he took his shirt off, the doctor said he had a nice body.

WHAT???

"She said what?" (in a much gentler tone)

"It's OK, she's like 55."

(Apparently The Husband is not familiar with the species known as, la cougar.)

"I don't care how old she is, that's not appropriate."

"It's OK. she was being nice, she asked if I played any sports."

(Try to picture the "it's OK" part being said with that southern French accent. For some of you this may be difficult, but for others, you know what I'm talking about, it's slightly sing-song, irritated, and occasionally followed by a huff and puff).

Since he clearly wasn't understanding, I had to I turn the tables on him and break it down like this...

"If I went for my physical and the 55 year old male doctor said I had a nice body, would that be OK?"


"It's inappropriate"

"Exactement"


bisou