I Had A Cesarean

I had a Cesarean in Brazil. For anyone who knows the rate of c-sections in this country, that is not a shock. For me, it was the biggest disappointment of my life.

I am naturally very defensive of my doctor's decision. It comes from a place of fear and shame. I have never gotten over the fact that I did not deliver naturally. I will never stop feeling like I missed out.

The fact is, I didn't go into labor. My doctor stripped my membranes, instructed me to have sex, and basically opened the way for me to do anything that may induce labor. Hell, I was at 42 weeks, the baby had dropped, and my cervix was off pouting for some reason.  Still, my doctor never showed any signs that she was planning on a c-section.  Her hospital was different.

You see, while I did give birth in Rio de Janeiro, I gave birth at a public educational hospital that encourage (aka somewhat forces) a natural birth. They want the doctors that they are training to experience the real thing before they fall into the scheduling trend. That and since I wasn't paying, they would have to eat the surgery fee.

But that still doesn't calm the acid inducing thoughts I have when I think of my c-section. It doesn't matter how many doctors, who have to take my medical history for one reason or another, make a side comment of "Oh it was at the Maternidade? So then it must have been necessary."

You know why? Because I was there when a woman was in labor with an estimated 10 lb baby and the doctor loudly asked if there was time for an emergency c-section. Obviously the pathway would be too small.

I can name 3 friends who have given birth to 10 lb babies naturally (without anesthesia.) I'm guessing it wasn't a party in there but the job got done.

That mini-conversation sticks in my head every time I think of how I had my babies. It weighs over me, even though when my doctor commented about LARGE size of my first born's head in the ultra sound and then stated that "Thank goodness you are a big girl. The Vagina will match the baby." In my defense, I think she meant tall, not large.

It makes me wonder about the lack of education natural birth advocates talk about. I never understood it until I had children. No, not because of my birth experience but from arguing with doctors. Standing up for what I feel is best for my children has made me focus in on the fact that doctors are human, and thus can make errors. To err is human or so I have heard.

The point being in all this is to advise all pregnant women to ask questions! Go get a second opinion. Fight for your right for a natural birth! As someone who didn't, I regret it. And it breaks my heart to hear of women who choose to have a cesarean. They choose to make a risk, raise the bar, and add complications.

To those women, if it's the glamour of the vagina, let me tell you something. Come look at my abdomen. Come over and check out my scar. I'll let you feel the bump where they cut the muscle. Trust me, I have 2 boys and this second one was done cosmetically, it does not matter. You'll sit in your bikini, no matter how low it is, and the skin will fold. You have cut the muscle in your stomach for goodness sake. Your Vagina will heal because that is what it is made to do, your abs won't.

Think of it like this. Take a envelope. Cute a line horizontally down the front where someone would write the address. Now open the flap where you insert letters and close it again. Which opening is more obvious?

So go for the gold ladies! If a Vagina can open up for a Brazilian penis, I think a baby will slide out like butter.  Well, we can hope anyway.

You Natural Birth Bullies You!

I get really irritated with the whole cesarean/natural birth argument.  And you know why, because I had to have a cesarean.  I know what you guys are going to say, no, no, you didn't.  And that's what pisses me off!

About 90% of the hardcore anti-cesarean peeps out there will automatically consider my c-section unnecessary. My medical history doesn't matter and I even had one person ask me if I saw my uterus to confirm it.  Um, yeah, I did not ask my doctor to lift up and show me my uterus.  I felt that would be slightly invasive for the both of us.

And I will admit that Brazil, where my children were born, has one of those super duper high C-section rates. You know, one of those countries where the docs normally schedule in the birth between their morning appointments and afternoon lunch date. Quick and easy.

But again, what pisses me off is that I gave birth at a hospital where they don't do c-section unless they really have to. It's a "natural," aka. thrifty, Brazilian public hospital. I wasn't even allowed to bring a pacie into my freaking room. Not even nipple soother.  You went in, you gave birth in the factory line of birthing beds, and you breastfed. That was it.

Well, per my style, my uterus rebelled. It followed the beat of it's own little drummer right into the OR.

And you know what, I shouldn't have to feel bad about it. I gave birth to a baby and it's not any less of a birth! Actually, while you were up and around a day after your excruciating 24 hrs of labor, I was stuck in bed for weeks!  I got an infection, and I had a horrible time all around.  So you want to compare pain, I think I have some room to bicker with you.

And no, my birthing experience wasn't magical in that it was choreographed with Sade music and I chanted to the beat of bongo drums.  It was magical because I gave birth to my son!  So stop the Mom on Mom hate. It's fine to support your cause, and I too support avoiding unnecessary cesareans.  But just because you had one doesn't mean you didn't need it.  I don't get an automatic too posh to push sticker put on my chest.

So lay off, and please don't forget, that as much as the c-section is overused these days, it was created for a reason. Mothers used to die during childbirth. Babies used to die. And, shocking, sometimes both Mommy and Baby died.

I mean, seriously, you are all turning Gisele Bundchen on our asses and it is not pretty.

Yes, we need to get back to nature, but there are some cases in which nature would have sacrificed one or both of the people involved in the pregnancy.  In those cases, c-sections need to be performed.  And the Mother shouldn't be made to feel less of a woman because of it. Trust me, she feels that way already. 

Adventure at the Brazilian Public Hospital continued...

I finally made it out of the OR and into the hallway.  Chillin' on my stretcher, I was waiting to finally hold my baby. Since I was still in the OR area, I was alone.  Students kept walking by on their way to the nursery.  I kept over hearing them say how they wanted to see the giant gringo baby.  My boy!

The nurse finally brought him out to me and put him on my breast. Easier said than done seeing that I was laying flat on my back. They wouldn't even let me have a pillow because of my C-section... and come to find out later, they were out of pillows.

I waited another 20 minutes but they weren't boring nor was I ever left alone.  Every 3 or so minutes someone passed by, stopped to see the baby, and then made it to second base.  All these helpful people stopped to coo over my little one (or giant as they saw it) and then "fix" his position on my breast. Everyone had a different opinion on positions and my breasts just weren't cooperating.

You've all seen breasts when a woman is lying down. They just want to flop to the side.  There's no way around it. Call it gravity or personal preference, they just like to lounge. 

Finally I was wheeled into the hallway and was prepared to be taken to my room. They took my boy out of my arms and then put him in between my legs. They put my feet next to each other, bent my knees a bit, and placed him in the small spot.  I really wanted to hold him but was told it was safer for him to be cradled in between my dead legs. Even safer just to have a third party hold him but, at this point, I was coming to understand that they didn't have all the personnel other hospitals have.

Mom met us on our way and I was placed in my bed. I was sharing a room with 4 other women and their babies.  While sharing a room with 4 other people sounds like hell at first, it really wasn't. Ok, it wasn't the easiest experience at times. One woman kept her cell on high and it rang at all hours.  One teenager (16) was having a hard time mastering breastfeeding and managing her baby. I felt for her.  So young!

This hospital does not allow bottles or formula. You are breastfeeding during your stay, like it or not.  They did, however, offer a lot of help in that area.  

The saddest moment sharing a room was when a woman was brought in late my second night.  They never brought in a baby.  All women share their space with their baby in this hospital.

The next morning she was taken for a check up and we found out the gossip. She had been pregnant with twins, almost full term, and lost them.  They don't have special rooms for that situation. She was forced to share a room with a bunch of new mothers and their babies. If that wasn't cruel enough, remember the woman from my first post about this experience?  The one who's boss punched my doctor? I said I didn't like her and you'd see why. Well, here's that moment.

We were all given little gift bags from a charity.  In the public hospital, most people are not as economically stable as others.  The bag had some diapers and clothes for the new babies. Well, the woman I didn't like yelled across the room to the woman who lost her babies. Keep in mind, the woman who lost her twins hadn't spoken since she was brought in.

Well, She yelled across the room to ask her if she could have her bag of stuff!  She then continued that maybe the 4 of us could split it among ourselves because she wasn't bringing a baby home!  I was horrified to say the least!  As was everyone else.  The woman who lost her twins rolled over towards the wall and stared to cry.  The other woman took that as a yes, walked across the room, and took her bag.  She started to try to divvy up the goods. No one took any nor said anything.  When she offered diapers to me my only reply was "don't you have any shame".

She took my answer as a no thank you and pocketed everything.