American Mail Order Bride

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I'm just going to put it out on the table and say I was a mail order bride. I decided that I needed to leave the difficulties of my middle-class American life and be saved by a Brazilian.

Ok, maybe that isn't true but there is some truth to it.  I do feel that moving to Brazil saved me in a way. It saved me from a lifestyle that didn't suit me.

And I find that the more I adapt to living here, the less I'm asked by strangers as to why my husband and I chose his country over mine.  Of course there are some obvious benefits living in North America, but in the words of Jim, what about the quality of life?

Everything is a compromise, right? So here's what I compromised.

A good and inexpensive car for an ok car that gets us from here to there. While it would be nice to have something sporty, we don't use ours that much in the first place. We walk and use mass transit. The car gets us to places on the weekends and Mr. Rant to meetings where mass transit would be a bit of a bitch.

Ready made and frozen food for homemade and fresh foods. I'll be the first to say that this took some getting used to. I never thought I'd press this much freaking garlic in my life! Hell, dried beans used to scare me and now we buy and eat them regularly. Canned food? What's that? And you know what, I can feel the difference in my energy level, my regularity, and my weight. It also makes me happy to I know my kids are eating well. Sure that may not mean veggies daily but whatever they eat doesn't contain more preservatives than actual food.

Convenience stores/Target for Lojas Americanas. I really spend a hell of a lot less money in Brazil. There's little to no spontaneous shopping going on as it would cost a pretty penny.  I mean, do we really need more crap? As much as I love a good Target run, no we don't. Living here has lowered, slightly, the consumerism that is so a part of my blood.

Bottled drinks and snack packs for vendors. I love the cute little snack packs and juice boxes in the US. They are so practical. But you know what, I don't need them because I have vendor dudes selling anything from fresh coconut water to corn on the cob to popcorn anywhere I go. I can even get Popsicles!

Public Bathrooms for Brazilian Public bathrooms. Ok, this one is just sad. I still miss a good Starbucks bathroom on every corner. Here we have public bathrooms in the form of a moldy and urinated on, single man prison like boxes with toilets.

Good playground equipment for something from the 50s. Sure, I used get scared of my boys getting splinters in their little asses from the wooden slides, but it never happened. And there are some good parks, you just have to find them.  Some of the slides and stuff look like a death sentence but no one seems to be dying. Hey, you work with what you got. Of course, I'm the first to bitch about this but my boys have only slightly noticed.  They know that the playgrounds in Grandma's town are cooler but a playground is a playground. It's never stopped them from enjoying the ones here.

Disherwasher and dryer for at home help. I have to hand wash all dishes and hang my freaking laundry to dry almost every single day.  Of course I have a wonderful woman who comes into my home twice a week and cleans the absolute crap out of it. I doubt you could find one dead skin cell when she's done! I have never lived in this standard of cleanliness and I now know that every Brazilian living abroad thinks we are DIRTY!  Dirty dirty nasty little people.

And there's a lot more stuff but I let me say, there's nothing a good day at the beach can't cure! A very true Carioca saying! Even when I'm in a huge funk of I just want to hate Rio today, I go to the beach and think "holy crap, I live here!"  The view, the blue skies, the green of nature, the wonderful people, and the even better food. I really can't complain too much! 

Adapting Back

I know I live in Rio de Janeiro. Hell, I can say I've lived in Rio de Janeiro for years now. Regardless, whenever I spend an extended period of time abroad, I have to re-adapt.

Here are my principal areas of re-adaptation:

Paying for things: When I come home I have an issue with buying things at the so-called less than official places. Case in point, the popcorn lady. I doubt and question myself. Is it R$1.5 or $2? Would this guy be able or willing to break a R$20 note? Things like that. I truly believe that when you are comfortable and knowledgeable in purchasing, you don't ripped off.  Of course I keep putting the 'Please charge me an extra R$1 because I like it' face on. It's starting to piss me off.

Portuguese: Not that I'm even close to fluent but I usually don't have consistent and annoying Portuguese brain farts anymore. I may not say it right but I can get my thoughts out there.  Hey, when you are a ranter, you find a way. But after a trip home I get brain gas that would make any stoner fall over laughing.  It's out of control and certainly does not help with the above mentioned problem.

Bums: I've been desensitized after so long here but that immediately goes away after going home. I find myself crossing the street to avoid the obviously crazy bums. I can not keep doing this in Rio de Janeiro because I'll never walk in a straight line again.

Crosswalks: I've stopped j-walking. Want to call attention to yourself as a foreigner, do not throw yourself into oncoming traffic. Cariocas are amazingly skilled at knowing the precise seconds between that bus and cab speeding your way. They can pick an almost inconceivable moment where they can cross without getting hit nor busting out a jog.

But I'm getting back into the swing of things again.  The R$1 foreigner charge has gone down to 50 cents and I'm proud. I held a full conversation this morning with my Father-in-Law that caused only 2 creased brows and 1 huh?.  Not to mention I j-walked past a crazy bum on the way home from Hortifruti. That's two birds with one stone my friends.

So I'll get back to 100% wannabe Carioca before I know it. Now I just need a tan and a beer belly. Oh wait, already got that last one.

How about you? What do you need to adapt to when you come back from vacation?

The Foreigner in Disguise

Vendors are overcharging me and I'm really starting to get offended. You see, I live here. I speak your freaking confusing language.  I know the game. Do not try to play me!

It is not helping that I'm with my Super Gringa Mother. She is adorable with her white skin, blonde hair, and super duper blue eyes. You just want to pinch her cheeks and then grab her butt, she's so darn cute.

But there's a price to this cuteness.

It first started at the Hippie Fair in Ipanema. I know the Hippie Fair is quickly becoming a tourist trap these days. It's sad to see it get to this point, not that it ever was the place to get a particularly fair price on anything.  But this incidence was insulting.

Mom and I were looking at a dress she thought was cute when a guy came up and mumbled "R$95."  I looked at him and asked "for what?" I was honestly confused. He stated "for that" and nodded towards the dress.

I just looked at him. I'm sorry, I've yet to see a Hippie Fair dress actually worth anything near that, thank you very much.  I smiled and told him "No thank you." FYI, this entire transaction, or lack there of, happened in Portuguese.

Then he did the most insulting thing, he called me cheap! He called me cheap and knew I would understand!

That's when I busted out a kick to his head!  No, not really. I'm a pacifist and too uncoordinated so I walked away.

You see, my husband taught me early on not to get into arguments on the street, especially with men. The argumentative American did not like this advice but I am in a different country. Sadly, it stuck with me, even in situations where I could totally call the guy an ass and have it be within my right.  But there was no point. This ass had made up his mind about me. I was some stupid, rich Gringa. Bummer he's wrong about the rich part...

The next incident happen right in my neighborhood.  My 2 yr old asked for popcorn so I got some from a vendor next to the metro station.  No biggie. As I went to pay I had a momentary laps in memory and asked "R$1 right?" In Laranjeiras, that's how much a small bag of popcorn costs. At least it did 7 weeks ago before my trip. She hesitated and then said R$2.

You know, I expect this kind of treatment at the Hippie Fair but not in my neighborhood.  I looked at her, in front of her two little friends, and asked "Is this that price for Gringas or has the price for everyone gone up?" Her friends laughed in her face. She held back a smile and said "Everyone of course."

What could I do? I'm a pain in the ass but I wasn't about to rip the popcorn out of my 2 yr olds mouth over R$1.

But this does make a girl ask, what is happening to my city?!  I really used to feel that Brazilians were equal opportunity opportunists. The overcharged everyone, not just the foreigners. That was, of course, unless you were at a Gringa ripoff point like the shops near the trolley in Santa Teresa.

But Largo do Machado! Do we no longer have our messed up little standards?! I fear for the times before the Olympics. I'm going to have to work on my accents and declare that I'm from Florianopolis or something.

That's it, this Gringa is going undercover! Oh the insanity.