Do I Look Fat in this Thong?

It seems that Brazil's expanding waist size is getting international press. Apparently Brazilian companies are, gasp, making larger bikinis!! Oh the insanity of it all. 

I stumbled upon this random article discussing how Brazilian bikini companies are finally making plus sizes. 

A growing number of bikini manufacturers have woken up to Brazil's thickening waistline and are reaching out to the ever-expanding ranks of heavy women with new plus-size lines.

I can not deny that Brazil is getting fatter as it seems the entire world is. What I can say though is that the selling of "plus size" bikinis is not necessarily because of that. In my humble opinion, someone has finally jumped in to make mega money in an area where there has always been a demand but very little supply. 

When I walked into my first bikini shop in Rio I almost had a heart attack. The things the woman kept giving me to try on were obviously not my size. Hell, I was losing money on both sides on the bottom (losing money is a slang for your crack showing). 

That is when the saleswoman so graciously pulled the bottom up my bottom. She exclaims "This is how you wear it" with a laugh. 

"Excuse me, isn't this essentially the same as a thong???"

You could see the poor stupid gringa looks spread throughout the store. Silly American doesn't know how a bikini bottom really should fit. 

Thankfully things have been slowly but surely changing. I noticed, shortly after the birth of my oldest, that there were more slightly larger bikini options.  Keep in mind that these "larger" bottoms would still make most N. Americans blush.  

I am a proud owner of a couple of pairs of these great fitting "larger" bikini bottoms. My beach style has gotten far more active with the kiddos. Goodness knows no one wants to get an eyeful of kitty while building a sandcastle. 

The thing is not all Brazilian women look like Gisele or The Girl from Ipanema. Media always posts pictures of the women who do because, let's be honest, they are ridiculously hot. But the fact is that Brazilian women have junk in the trunk. They are gorgeously curvy. We have all kinds of shapes and sizes happening down here and that is nothing new. 

While Brazilians have always accepted women of all shapes and sizes, it seems they are only now willing to dress them as well.

Itsy Bitsy yellow polka dot bikini

Heading to the pool in my little Brazilian bikini. It reminded me of the itsy bitsy yellow polka dot bikini song. Go figure, I looked it up on youtube and found this video with the song and images of Rio! 

Oh Rio, always the bikini tease! Enjoy:

Vaginas, Brazilian Waxes, and a Thing they Call Feminism

I've been reading a lot about Vaginas these days. Let's just blame Facebook and Vagina enthusiasts.

Acutally, it all started with a piece about vaginoplasty. Some crazy thing where women go to get their Vages all cut up and made "normal." Personally, I don't find this shocking at all as we live in a culture that wants to physical perfect everything. It was only a matter of time until the Vag became the next victim of the endless search for perfection and the use of material/physical means to give emotional satisfaction.

What I found shocking was the blatant attack against the Brazilian Bikini wax! I mean, sure we all like to find scape goats but leave my wax alone! Take this for example:

"And so it is that for a woman, to Brazilian wax or not to Brazilian wax becomes a feminist question. “If you wax, you pull [feminism] out by the roots, and therefore you’re no longer a feminist and you have to turn in your Feminist Membership Card,” one blogger wrote on Feministe.us."

Sorry to disappoint you but my feminism is not located in my pubic hair, nor am I making a statement by getting my anus waxed. And it gets worse.

“That leads to the key point any feminist -- card-carrying or otherwise -- must consider when deciding whether waxing is for her: For every Brazilian you get, another woman might feel more pressured to do so. Symbolically speaking, you’re not alone on that salon table, with your ankles up around your ears as you exhale with each rip of the wax strip. And that takes sisterhood to a whole new level. That’s what makes waxing such a slippery-slope of a feminist question -- it’s never going to be a feminist act, but, should you decide to get one, you need to ask yourself some tough questions to make your salon visit at least a little kinder to the sisterhood.”

Now I'm really going to call BULLSHIT on this one! Be kinder to sisterhood? Why doesn't sisterhood go take a nap and give this girl a little break. When did my Vagina become your billboard for your feminism? It's my vagina and so what if she prefers to sport a runway style. Do I give you crap if you wear old birkenstocks and armpit hair? No. To each their own.

As for the wax, personally, I do it for myself. Sure, Mr. Rant is now accustomed to a tamed bush but he would never say anything if I went retro, and I have.  I like a good Brazilian wax. It allows my Vag to freely breath, letting in the open air. I feel I'm giving her a skylight to the world.

And why does getting a wax have to be considered removing your femininity?  I feel it's quite the opposite. It's putting your femininity right out onto the table. I dare you to start comparing vaginas and you'll see a whole lot more on a waxed one, that's for sure.

So leave my Brazilian wax alone and figure something else to overly analyse and use as an excuse for shocking things happening in the world. If we keep this up, Brazilian waxes could be blamed for Afghanistan and there'd be no turning back then.

My standpoint, get it waxed and show the girl off!

As for vaginoplasty, I will let that one stand on it's own.  I can't imagine feeling such disgust for my Vaggie Girl that I would want to get her cut up.  I bet those women are coming from an interesting place and I ask you to not negate their feelings about their Vaginas by blaming society for their decisions.

On a side note, check this documentary on the search for the perfect vagina when you have a chance. It's very interesting, sad, and shocking at the same time. The Perfect Vagina 

Wordless Wednesday: Beachwear

In Rio de Janeiro, we wear swimsuits enough that they are fashion.  Here's a taste of Rio's Summer Fashion  week 2011, swimsuit addition.

And what will you be sporting on the beach this season?

Signs You've Become a Carioca Part 2:

1.  Your children choose rice and beans over Mac & Cheese. Hell, they choose it over everything.

2.  You are "tired" of all the Carnaval stuff and yet go to all the blocos.

3.  You use ceiling fans not air conditioning

4.  You toast your toast in the oven or on a stove top. Heaven forbid you actually buy a toaster

5.  Everything, and I mean everything down to pancakes, is mixed in the blender.

6.  Bleach is your cleaning friend, buckets full of it.

7.  You actually know what they women are doing when the spread the bowl of white stuff all over themselves at the beach.

8.  You have a soccer team, even if you don't watch regularly.

9.  Your bathing suit is smaller than your underwear, for both men and women.  And you strut in it like you are on a runway

10.  You know better than to call your Grandmother in the evenings, her soaps are on. Hell, you're watching them too

For part 1: go here

Bathing Like a Brazilian

Summer is quickly approaching in Rio de Janeiro and that can sometimes be intimidating for foreigners.  Bathing suits, for both men and women alike, are enough to make you run to your hotel/hostel pool and stay there with the other white folk.

Don't be scared! The beaches here are not just for the excessively toned and tanned!  Put on that Brazilian bikini, aka. post-its on string, and get your ass out there. You are not alone.


Every Brazilian body type, and there are many, sport the barely there suits on a beach.  Hell, even Great Aunt Julia, all 200 + pounds, is wearing a smaller suit than you.

Every time I suit up for the beach, I go in front of the mirror to pinch and groan. Oh how the glory days have passed.  Of course I suck it up and head out with the family.  Upon arrival, I look around.  Sure, there are the hot bodies and the not bodies, and everything in between.  It's enough to make this stomach obsessed girl from California finally breath.

The beach in Brazil isn't really about how hot you look, not once you pass 25 anyway.  It's about being there, enjoying it, and burning off the drama from the workweek.

In the words of the Caricoa: "There's nothing a good day at the beach can't cure."

Amen! And don't forget your sunscreen!

Brazilian Pantie Lines

I once asked a female Brazilian friend what the deal was with underwear down here. Why no thong?  I mean, if a Carioca can bust it out on the beach, why not under their skin tight pants? 

She said it´s because Carioca women know how to seduce men. 

Say what?  How on Earth do pantie lines seduce men?  She had a pretty good answer for that one. 

It makes them think about the woman´s panties. 

Hmmm, now there´s some food for thought.  You´d think a smooth pantie line showing a nice butt would do the trick, but maybe the Carioca woman has something there. 

First thing first, you have to understand what a Carioca woman pantie line is.  It is nothing like the US kind, aka. is not a bunch of bunched up fabric.  Oh no, the Carioca woman has panties that fit her as well as her Brazilian bikini.  It´s just a thin line cutting downf the buttock. It´s almost a thong but not quite.

It´s as if she´s saying, I could have hid them but instead I decided to make you imagine what they look like. 

It´s just plane brilliant. 

No you can´t see me naked

There are certain people in my Brazilian life that I do not need to remember are women and men. They are people, of course, but are non-sexual beings in my mind. Call me crazy but it works. 

Now Brazilian swimwear makes this quite difficult. There´s no hiding behind the 3 inches of fabric they give you.  I´m comfortable with that. I bust out the Brazilian bikini at the beach and pool without a problem, normally. 

The thing is, when you are sun bathing like a Carioca, everyone knows what God gave you.  It´s almost like being a tease with just the bits and pieces covered.  Of course, we can all tell what´s under there. 

So you can imagine how I felt when I saw that I was about to run into our pediatrician at the pool. Yes, I´m about to be 30 and am a mother of 2.  I should be somewhat mature. We´d all like to think that, wouldn´t we.  Well, I´m not. I took evasive action. 

Call it what you will but I´m not ready to have an idea of the fruits God gave the man that checks my kids´ ears. I have to be able to go to a doctors appointment without thinking about what lies beneath! 

I could not look.  Sure you would say that.  Of course I would look! Are you kidding me?! I´m that girl that if you say, oh don´t look Rachel, I`m a lookin´.  I´m also that person that slows down her car to stare at accidents, laughs at inappropriate times, and spills wine on children (long story). 

Think of me what you will.  But you know, deep down, you only love me a little bit more. 

American Butt meet Brazilian Bikini

I used to be that Southern California girl who only went to the grocery store in my pajama pants.  Let's be honest, I would wear those bad boys anywhere I could manage. 

My husband informed me upon landing in the wonderful world of Rio de Janeiro, that jammie pants would have to remain inside from now on.  What? I didn't sign up for that kind of craziness.  That's when I realized not being able to wear my beloved snowflake pants were the least of my worries. It was hotter than hell and we were going to be spending every morning at the beach.

I was down to switch out my American style bikini and try a Brazilian one. I didn't think there would be much difference since I had bought a Brazilian style American bikini.  hahah right.  Anyway,  I started my mission, if I would choose to accept it.  And the mission was to blend in.  It was a tough one seeing that I was very blond and white at the time. In addition, I'm fairly tall.  I'm practically 5'10" and the Brazilians are about 4'7".  Ok, that's a gross generalization.  About 75% are 4'7". 

Thankfully I was already a big fan of large dangle earrings and waxing. I had been frequenting a "groomer" for quite some time. That was surprisingly important. 6 years ago, they didn't have the large bottom option for bikinis. The large bottom meaning a good 3 inches of material.  I was thankful that I was a young 23 and didn't have any babies.  I was embarrassed and felt a little slutty wearing the suit in the dressing room at that store but, with the encouragement of the sales person, I bought it anyway.

To say encouragement would be an understatement.  I barely opened the curtain for my husband . He thought it was too small for his wife! The salesgirl didn't. She whipped open the curtain and exclaimed to everyone that I HAD to have this suit and I have perfect body for it!  She dragged 4 other people over to confirm and then informed my husband that he was being prude. 

I was so nervous. We finally arrived at the beach and I pulled off my dress.  No one stared at me!  They stared when I had come in my American super suit with saggy butt large enough that it seemed to be full of something foul.  In the itsy bitsy one, I blended in!  Oh, and the tan lines were hot!

I've been a fan of the Brazilian bikini ever since. It's more durable than American versions and looks better. It actually fits us!  I love it! I do sport a more conservative bikini these days. Thankfully they are making a fuller butt version.  I tried to go back to the original after my 1st son was born but couldn't. I was losing money all over the place (butt crack exposed).  The tiny bikini is not meant for Mommies that play with their kids.  Don't worry, you can get a slightly larger version that's still sexy but will stay in place.