Going It On My Own

So the day has come where this little sarcastic birdie has to jump nest and try to make it on her own. Yes, you heard it here second (actually third as I mentioned it both on my Facebook page and Twitter account), I have my own domain. It gives a girl a definite false sense of superiority. Think about it, I'm in charge of my own domain. Cue evil laughter: Bwahahahaha

Anyway, I have been debating this for a while. I have been resisting as I was afraid I'd lose followers, get way too confused with a new system (Mr. Rant is the evil computer genius in our house, not me), and was reluctant to make this big of a commitment. Amazingly this married Mother of 2 suffers from a bit of internet commitment phobia. That or it is an innate fear of failure. Sadly my BA in Psychology doesn't make me qualified enough to differentiate.

It is time to switch that bookmark to the new page: www.rachelsrantings.com. 

I will be posting only on the Rachel's Rantings in Rio site now. Please come with patience as I am just figuring this out. 

So please go check it out and tell me what you think! 

Funky Monkey

I'm in a funk. I'm in an "I'm ready for school to be back in session" funk. Add on top of that my being sick and you have yourself a slightly unmotivated blogger.

I finally dragged my sorry butt into urgent care yesterday. I had been feeling at about 60% for a while but just blamed it on the hot weather and busy days. Yesterday I woke up feeling like I got hit by a mean little bacteria driving in a very large car.

So I got put into the urgent line at the urgent care because, and I'm guessing here, one of my complaints was stabbing pains in around my ribs and under my breasts. I must say that when the urgent care wants to treat urgently it really can! Who knew!

Pneumonia was ruled out but I do have an infection. Where you ask. I have no idea. The infection showed up in the blood test and that is all the doctor knows. She figures it's something gastrointestinal or something. Her words not mine.

So this little petri dish is now taking some random antibiotic that is giving me awesome stomach craps and quite potentially a body cleanse. No worries though, I will be seeing my primary care doctor on tomorrow.

Alas, I am a stay at home Mom so I get no break. Yes I plan to majorly play the martyr card. Like a bad martyr though, I totally flaked on my boys' 8am appointment at beach soccer. Seriously, there is only so much a martyr can take. Is there such thing as a lazy martyr?

Anyway, my down time is up and I have to go slather myself and the kids in sunscreen and take them to the pool. If you need me you can find me beached on the shady side. 

Check Me Out

I posted over at Expat Focus today. Go read all my opinions and thoughts on Christmas in Brazil. No, it's not going to be sappy. Don't you know me at all!

A Brazilian Christmas...Without The Trimmings!

Vlog: Introducing Capt America

Blog Friends?

I had no idea that I'd actually meet people because of my blog. I had absolutely no clue that the rants that I would post could possibly help other people! The fact that you guys would seek me out to ask personal questions, or even just ask them in comments, is amazing to me.

I have connected with so many people via Rachel's Rantings that I can't understand why I didn't do it before. Maybe I wasn't in a good place. Surely I didn't have the grasp of the culture nor accept it as I do now. I also didn't get life, love, nor marriage, not that I necessarily get it now.

The thing is, we all reach out to each other in one way or another. While I may just be words on a screen, I do feel the things that are shared with me via comments, emails, or tweets. I just have to say that I am honored that you would choose to share with me. Screw reading my blog, you share your feelings. That takes balls!

I have always known I have awesome readers and anyone who has followed my comment area would know the same. Really, the comment section is usually the best part of the whole blog! But I just wanted to take a minute and thank you guys for being here.

I love being a part of your questions, debates, and comments. I love that I have such a random mix of readers. I really just like my readers in general! Seriously! The interaction on here is a shining star in the middle of the day.

Thank you! Thank you for reading, sharing, and coming back. Thank you for feeling free to contribute. This blog would be nothing without you guys! 

Virgin Vlogger

Please note that this will not necessarily become a constant thing, so don't be scared. That and I really hope my under eye circles really aren't that bad! Lighting and make up artist please...

And yes, I do need a better camera. 

Top Expat Mom Blog!

Do you all remember that Circle of Moms contest I was in. You know, the one that motivated me to harass the crap out of you to vote every day?

Well, it's FINALLY out and I placed third!! Thank you all for your support!

Here is the link: Top 25 Expat Blogs. I made the first page and there's a little interview too.

I really do appreciate your support and your tolerance. You got to see the truly annoying side of me and I know that it's not that pretty. Although it can be charming, or at least that is what I keep telling myself.

Lastly, you'll have to excuse the photo. I was going to be all classy and put the Circle of Moms logo or something but it's Hot Brazilians for your Friday!  Best to stick with the theme and just give you more hot Brazilians!

And thanks again to Circle of Moms and everyone who supported/dealt with me. You guys are Rock Stars! 

The Maze of the Uninspired

I'm starting to think my Mother-in-law was right about the whole Feng Shui thing. I am so uninspired I may as well be constipated. 

She told us to not put our computer in our little office alcove in the hallway. She said "The energy there is not conducive to creativity. You will not be able to perform if that is your work area." Of course all of that was in Portuguese and said much more eloquently but go with me for a minute.

I finally got tired of having the damn computer on a table in our dining room. It looked like crap and we are trying to sell our place. I said screw it with this eastern froofy crap. Screw the moon, the stars, and the direction of our home. Let's put stuff where it actually goes. 

And here I am lacking any and all motivation to write. Actually, I have motivation up to the moment I sit down at the freaking computer. 

So it got me thinking, maybe we weren't bat ass crazy to not buy that first AMAZING apartment because the bathroom is in the middle (I'm still bitter about it by the way). I'm also thankful that my c-section with The Menace happened to land on a good moon.

Yes, my Mother-in-law told me dates for when the moon would be favorable (once C-section talk started). I looked at Mr. Rant and asked how in the hell I was supposed to explain this to my OBGYN. He shrugged. I thought about who I had to deal with the next 20+ yrs. Guess who won.

So now I am wondering where I should move this freaking desktop. Apparently astrology is the new black and it is stopping my creativity. I know you all have some "reasonable" explanations behind it but it's been over a month of scraping at the edges and my mind is starting to hurt.

Hot damn, I just may buy 3 bottles of wine and pull out my copy of The Sun Almost Rises. I just need one true sentence.

Any suggestion as what it may be?

Guest Posting at Stay at Home Babe!

I am honored to say that I was asked to guest post over at Stay at Home Babe today! The Babe is off getting papers for her younger, something I totally understand dealing with.

So you should head over there for some over-sharing. Yes, I am once again over-sharing. Would you have it any other way?

Go check me out!: Oral and Anal in Rio

Save the Date: the 16th of July

It's Brazil Expat Blogger Meet up time. Per the Brazilian way, everyone is welcome! You do not need to be a blogger :)

For More info head over to Jim's blog Qualidade da Vida.

July 16th, be there or be square!

10 Things I Get from Twitter

Picture by: http://images.linuxidx.com/go.php?filter=off&page=7&q=twitter+addict

Not everyone gets Twitter, but those who do are addicted to it. Here are 10 things I get from my Twitter fix.

10. A Thought Vomit Bucket. I can stop in and post any random thought in my head! It's like cleaning house. Thought in and thought back out again.

9. Information. There is A LOT of information circling around that black hole called Twitter. You get info, articles, and sites that you would have never found on your own.

8. Arguments. Pissed off? Feel free to vent or bitch. And while you may piss someone else off, 140 characters limit the amount of arguing possible.

7. Audience. Doesn't matter what it's for, people are listening.

6. Klout... whatever that is ;)

5. Support. Call it what you will but I feel incredibly supported by my Twitter circle! They will answer questions, give you a pat on the back, a kick in the ass if needed, and will help spread info that you feel is important.

4. Laughs. There's some funny shit going down on Twitter!

3. Banter. How often do you get to banter in daily life? This art form was dying out and Twitter is bringing it back baby!

2. Friendship. Sounds super lame to non-Twitter folk but it's true. You make Twitter friends.

1. An Addiction. Once you drink the kool-aid you may never get out again!



Created by Oatmeal

Do you get Twitter?

Norway, the Friend Maker

I have been such a bad little blogger. I know I posted Friday and this morning, but I have about 2 or 3 other posts waiting to be worked out.

The thing is, Norway makes really good people and I am lucky to say that I have a Norwegian friend. Turns out, my Norwegian friend is in town for a couple of days. That is why I feel like I am neglecting you. Actually, more like half-assed paying attention to you.

I couldn't tell you which is worse...

So here it is, my friend is here. I missed her. We are hanging out. The only reason why I'm writing is because she ran over to the gas station, we're classy like that, to buy another bottle of white wine while I put the kiddos to bed. 

Therefore, if we are opening a second bottle of wine, there is a good possibility I will not be posting here until early to late afternoon. You all know how that is.

So here's to meeting up with old friends from far away! If anything, it helps you figure out geography.

*My friend informed me that the picture is not in Norwegian. 

Rio de Janeiro Blogger Meet up!

A blogger meet up is being planned once again! Our good friend Jim over at Qualidade de Vida has all the information for you. 

He is currently taking suggestions for the best blogger meet up spot. Have a suggestion? Drop him a line! 

Mark your calendars for the July 16th and let's get together, talk shop, and speak some English!

Are you Laughing at Me?

The Circle of Moms blog contest is starting to give me a complex. I'm reverting to those fun feelings of High school of why doesn't anyone like me.

And when I was asked to join this contest, I was really excited! I felt noticed. I felt like someone likes me. How lame is that, and yet so very human. I love writing in my blog, so why on Earth does it matter if it gets noticed or loved by anyone else?

Well, because it does. I'm sorry but we are evolved puppy dogs yearning for some sort of positive feedback. And at this point of the race I am sitting with my nose down and my tail between my legs without any reason.

I'm in second, barely, but still that's good. This freaking contest is lasting as long as Sting used to claim his sexual encounters did. It's hard to keep up this kind of pace and I'm doing it. It reminds me of high school  Cross country when I used to imagine running right into a tree mid-race and knocking my ass out. Just let it be over already!

Of course I never did that. I didn't realize that I'd have a blog 13 years later and that it would make such a damn good story. Oh the shortsightedness of teens.

The soft side of the underbelly naked truth of it is that I really wanted to win. I was imagining how cool it would be to have that button on the side of my blog and a little mention on the Circle of Moms site. And now I'm getting a bit poo poo about it. How odd is that, a well meaning blog contest causing me to have sad clown moments all by myself in front of my computer. Pity party for one much.

But I really do have a couple good and embarrassing reasons why people should feel pity and vote for me (in no particular order):

1. I was in the middle school Slam book for having the world's smallest breasts. Sad but it was true. They really were nonexistent.

2. I took my tampon out in the bathroom of the bus during a school trip and everyone in the bus next to ours saw, even though the window was tinted. Awesome.

3. I fell during a track meet. More like I went to jump the high jump, slipped, and slid all the way across the concrete to the other side of the pad on my ass. The school nurse came to pick gravel out of my thigh and lower butt... in the middle of the field.

4. I was in the Miss Coronado pageant with 4 other girls and got fourth.

5. I dropped a soda bottle in the middle of the hall at school and it blew up spraying at least 20 other students and 2 teachers.

6. I wore vests with bodysuits, need I say more?

7. For my first 4 months in Rio, I ordered penises at the bread shop thinking that I was actually saying bread and that the people behind the counter just really like me.

8. One time I accidently pooped my pants a little on the way to work. Hey, I thought it was gas. Anyway, when I got reamed by my boss for being late I told her what happened and that I went home to change. In this case I don't know if this was more embarrassing for her or for me.

9. In the 6th grade I asked my big crush to dance with me at the school dance. They were playing Boys II Men The End of the Road. He said no. I never asked another boy to dance with me at a school dance.

10. I was told by a Proctologist (whom I had to see due to pregnancy complications) that I needed to stop having anal sex. That or at least have less.

And people wonder why I have no shame.

So if admitting to the wet fart does not make me worthy of a blog award, I really don't know what does. Honestly, It feels kind of freeing to relive these 'Laughing at you but not with you moments." And you know what, this time around I laughed at myself too! Got any you want to share?

Folks, We Have a Winner!

Guess what guys, the giveaway is over and we have ourselves a winner. The lucky owner of a new Spóra key ring is a miss Danielle B!! Danielle picked and won the above picture key ring.

Congrats!!!

Brazilian Things that Make Me Go "Huh?"

In all the time I've lived in Rio de Janeiro there are some things I still do not get. Here's the list:

1. The obsession with babies and socks. It could be 104 degrees but their toes are cold. They've melted off and onto the sidewalk but I'll scoop them up and put them into socks if it makes you happy.

2. The one piece workout suit. Please refer to the above photo. I'm sorry but regardless of the make up and attempt at edgy accessories, the 80s are over and they want their jumpsuit back.

3. Kids at bars. No, not all bars but at some street bars. Personally, I like to drink without the company of preschoolers. Just saying.

4. That cold floors give people colds. Seriously, people say that. It gives them a cold. I thought science existed and thus stopped this kind of madness.

5. How weather changes cause colds. I thought it was pretty well known that viruses cause them. Coincidentally viruses tend to be common around the same time as fall, aka weather changing time. Am I the only one who has heard of science?

6. Coca Cola and toddlers. Why not just give them crack?! And no, the argument that they love it does not fly. How do they know what it is in the first place?! Btw, I had to practically backhand the family to keep the coke away from my boys.

7. Avocado and milk Vitaminas (smoothies). Sure, your avocados are sweet and you add sugar but it's still nasty! I'll take my avocado on a salad thank you very much. You go ahead and think I'm the crazy one.

8. Sleeping over at your adult boyfriend's parent's apartment. Talk about a walk of shame... right into the living room. It's culturally ok and my husband expects me to open the doors for our boys when they are older. FYI, this is a future blog post.

9. The live-in maid. Maybe in a mansion but in my tiny ass apartment that barely fits my collection of American Girls dolls... Did I just say that out loud? Ignore it. I'm lying.

10. Black beans with spaghetti pasta. My boys LOVE it. When they won't eat anything else, they'll eat this. It makes me gag. Oh well, Iron and Carbs...

Turns Out I'm an Ass

I did a little more research into my claims last night. Turns out, the Petersons know a pretty popular Youtube personality. But there's more.

They adopted a HIV positive child, speak Mandarin, and are basically perfect people. I write about penis charts. In what fair world are our blogs even allowed to compete!

So the reason why their numbers jumped greatly was because they were basically featured on a youtube channel. And you know what, they totally should be! Good for you guys for getting your blog out there and stepping up in the world of parenting!

I apologize for getting all conspiracy theory on everyone's asses. What can I say, I need to be a little less reactive and a little more proactive. Then again, would Rachel's Rantings be this fun if I was?

The Blog Contest

If you are a reader of my blog, my follower on Twitter, or a fan of my Facebook page (especially this one) you have seen that I am in the running for something.

I was contacted by Circle of Moms and was told that I was nominated as one of the Top 25 Mom expat bloggers. Score!

Here's the thing, it's a popularity contest. Oh they get you every time with those. I used to shy away from these as a teen as I feared rejection. Ok, it was more like I got rejection when I ran so I avoided it! I was a lucky girl, I had great friend but I just didn't sell myself well. I blame awkward height, a clumsy demeanor, and weirdly ranging hormones. Yes, I was a special teen!

But not anymore baby! And I love my blog. There, I said it. I love blogging, I absolutely adore the readers I have, and I think your comments are normally funnier than what I wrote in the first place. That's exactly what I look for in virtual company.

So when you look at that little Circle of Moms button at the top of my page, it's a real and serious thing. It goes until June 6th and you can vote daily. DAILY! Every day with your coffee you can throw your good virtual friend Rachel a line.

What do I get is what most people ask. I was told that "The Top 25 will be featured on one of our most popular pages and exposed through our social media channels." Apparently they have about 6 million active members. That's not light stuff right there.

Basically, I just wanted to let you know why I'm harassing you. There is a reason. I'm not completely crazy... well, it can't be proven anyway.

The link is: Make Rachel a Top Expat Mom Blog! You can vote daily. Once a day with your morning coffee or evening wine or even after your nooner.

And Thank You All for throwing this girl a bone! If you'd like to throw some more I have my jazz hands up and am ready to catch!

Is Facebook Ruining Relationships?

While reading the Brazilian Magazine Criativa, I stumbled upon an article called "Facebook and Sex: A new Etiquette for Romantic Relationships."

One thing came to mind: Awesome! Not only has Facebook made it uncomfortably convenient for all of us to have easy access to those people we may want to forget, it's also allowing love to screw with our heads much more efficiently.

You have all  seen at least one facebook couple fight. No easier way to get gossip flowing than by changing your relationship status. Married to it's complicated or in a relationship to engaged. The best being the complete removal of relationship status all together.

Go ahead, make your high school sweetheart's sister wonder if you are still with your husband. Make a comment on a picture and see if your old neighbor's cousin's wife questions the sexual history between the two. Let's rock the boat a bit.

And apparently Facebook brings out affairs! The Criativa article and the AAML site state these statistics:

 "An overwhelming 81% of the nation’s top divorce attorneys say they have seen an increase in the number of cases using social networking evidence during the past five years, according to a recent survey of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers (AAML).   Facebook holds the distinction of being the unrivaled leader for online divorce evidence with 66% citing it as the primary source."

Way to raise the bar Facebook! Apparently people cheating on their spouses are even easier to catch with this wonderful social network.  In Brazil, I could totally see people accessing their facebook while on a tryst and accidntly checking in: So and So was at Love Time Motel April 24th at 3pm. Oops. 

It's just a matter of time people. If you would kindly refer back to my post on how 70% of Brazilian men cheat, the odds are not with us! Keep track of the relationship statuses of your friends people.

Sadly though, I'm a train wreck kind of girl. I find so much humor in these online back and forths. The status changes, arguing on posts, and/or comments made on a 3rd party's picture of someone else's lover. It's like listening to the neighbor's lovers spat but at your own convenience and with pictures.

I have to say, as the rest of the world starts sharing as much as I do on Facebook, skeletons are leaving closets and creating their own profiles. While high in entertainment factor, this does not always work for the greater good. 

What do you think, are we giving Facebook too much credit or is it taking away the essential mystery in relationships?

Wordless Wednesday: Facebook Profile Pictures