Wednesday, June 30, 2010
This is too much information but, as I mentioned in a comment (I Dream of Waxing Vaginas), I have a funny antidote about a proctologist visit. I didn't think I'd share but remembered that I have no shame!
At a follow up visit with my OB, a couple of months after my youngest was born, I was referred to a proctologist. I had a little friend hanging out the backdoor. It's very normal in pregnancy and those little bastards can stick around for a while, especially when pissed.
I warned you about TMI.
Anyway, he was angry and she said I really needed to get him checked out.
I walk into the proctologist office early one morning. It was huge, especially by Rio de Janeiro doctor office standards. It was also full. I was the youngest by an easy 40 years. I sat, feeling more awkward than I have in ages, and waited.
Rachel. My turn. Ohhh man. I sat at the desk and told him about my annoyed little friend and he showed me to his table. It was an innocent looking enough. The tray of tools did not look innocent at all.
The check up went well. I was fine and everything would take care of itself. I felt violated but not nearly as much as I expected. That was until we had our chat.
I was asked about my lifestyle. I should have known.
I told him I am a mother and had recently had a baby. He was 2 or 3 months at the time. I was then informed that it was unlikely my child caused my friend. Maybe he invited him but that's not why he stuck around.
I took the bait. Why then?
He said it could be my American eating habits. Instant potatoes, ketchup, steak sauce. I told him I rarely, if ever, eat that. I live in Brazil. Can't even find the first and last, and I've never been a big ketchup person.
That's when I stumbled upon his point.
I was informed that I needed to stop the anal sex. Yes, that quickly. Ketchup to anal sex. If I could not stop, I had to at least stop until I was healed and after that I should only partake minimally.
For a girl with no shame, I was melting onto the floor with it. I had nothing. For him, my lack of response only confirmed his diagnosis and he continued with his speech.
I heard all about how anal sex ruins the anus. I also got to hear about the correct way to do it if I must. Now, I can tell you my back door does not have a blinking open sign above it. I also do not judge. And although I did not appreciate the speech, if I was going to get one, I guess a proctologist would be the best person to give it.
Needless to say, I did not return for my follow up. My impression, before said soapbox, was that he's an excellent doctor. I just couldn't face it. I've never been medically told off for sexual practices on such a practical level. Not only did his accusation embarrass me but the medical way in which he approached it took me completely off guard. I just hope his daughter went to his mother for the sex talk! If not, the girl is going to be asexual!
Not to mention, who can trust someone who doesn't like instant mashed potatoes! It's processed goodness in 2 minutes that melts in your mouth and solidifies in your belly. Shame on you Dr. Proctologist!