Wednesday, June 30, 2010


This is too much information but, as I mentioned in a comment (I Dream of Waxing Vaginas), I have a funny antidote about a proctologist visit.  I didn't think I'd share but remembered that I have no shame!

At a follow up visit with my OB, a couple of months after my youngest was born, I was referred to a proctologist. I had a little friend hanging out the backdoor.  It's very normal in pregnancy and those little bastards can stick around for a while, especially when pissed. 

I warned you about TMI.

Anyway, he was angry and she said I really needed to get him checked out.

I walk into the proctologist office early one morning. It was huge, especially by Rio de Janeiro doctor office standards. It was also full. I was the youngest by an easy 40 years.  I sat, feeling more awkward than I have in ages, and waited.

Rachel.  My turn.  Ohhh man.  I sat at the desk and told him about my annoyed little friend and he showed me to his table. It was an innocent looking enough.  The tray of tools did not look innocent at all.

The check up went well. I was fine and everything would take care of itself.  I felt violated but not nearly as much as I expected. That was until we had our chat.

I was asked about my lifestyle. I should have known.

I told him I am a mother and had recently had a baby. He was 2 or 3 months at the time. I was then informed that it was unlikely my child caused my friend. Maybe he invited him but that's not why he stuck around.

I took the bait. Why then?

He said it could be my American eating habits. Instant potatoes, ketchup, steak sauce. I told him I rarely, if ever, eat that.  I live in Brazil. Can't even find the first and last, and I've never been a big ketchup person.

That's when I stumbled upon his point.

I was informed that I needed to stop the anal sex. Yes, that quickly. Ketchup to anal sex. If I could not stop, I had to at least stop until I was healed and after that I should only partake minimally.

For a girl with no shame, I was melting onto the floor with it.  I had nothing. For him, my lack of response only confirmed his diagnosis and he continued with his speech.

I heard all about how anal sex ruins the anus.  I also got to hear about the correct way to do it if I must.  Now, I can tell you my back door does not have a blinking open sign above it. I also do not judge. And although I did not appreciate the speech, if I was going to get one, I guess a proctologist would be the best person to give it.

Needless to say, I did not return for my follow up.  My impression, before said soapbox, was that he's an excellent doctor.  I just couldn't face it.  I've never been medically told off for sexual practices on such a practical level.  Not only did his accusation embarrass me but the medical way in which he approached it took me completely off guard. I just hope his daughter went to his mother for the sex talk!  If not, the girl is going to be asexual!

Not to mention, who can trust someone who doesn't like instant mashed potatoes!  It's processed goodness in 2 minutes that melts in your mouth and solidifies in your belly.  Shame on you Dr. Proctologist!


  1. Well done grrl. Good story.

    "Anal sex ruins the anus"? WTF? That guy was obviously not a gay proctologist. The professionals back in San Francisco have been giving workshops at conferences for years with a very different message.

    Three cheers for no shame.

  2. I didnt get it that anal sex ruins the anus. I understand that anal sex ruins an already hurt anus, and that does make sense to me. Plus, he gave her a lesson of how to do it without having further problems. So Rach, as far as I get it, you can open up your back door again, just do it properly (whatever that means). And pls be happy that it was only you and the doctor on that occasion. Once I was having repeated urinary infections and my uncle is an urologist. We were at a family lunch (yeah, one of those, and he's not even from the worst side of the family) and I had a major crisis. He cared for me right there and I asked why I was having it every 2 months. He said, in front of my dad, grandma and anyone who'd happened to be passing by, that it might be from sexual trauma, we might have been going at it too hard, and that I should learn "pompoarismo", you know, those vaginal/anus muscle exercises. I wanted to just crawl under the table, Marcus wished he had brought his invisible cloak with him. Shameless as we are, the embarrassment passed in about 5 minutes and we stayed in till dinner...

  3. u cant pick ur butt and u cant pick ur moma but u can pick ur momas butt

  4. I love your TMI posts! Hysterical. Poor you, I can't imagine even showing up for that appointment. You are brave! LUBE and lots of it.