Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Are you Laughing at Me?

The Circle of Moms blog contest is starting to give me a complex. I'm reverting to those fun feelings of High school of why doesn't anyone like me.

And when I was asked to join this contest, I was really excited! I felt noticed. I felt like someone likes me. How lame is that, and yet so very human. I love writing in my blog, so why on Earth does it matter if it gets noticed or loved by anyone else?

Well, because it does. I'm sorry but we are evolved puppy dogs yearning for some sort of positive feedback. And at this point of the race I am sitting with my nose down and my tail between my legs without any reason.

I'm in second, barely, but still that's good. This freaking contest is lasting as long as Sting used to claim his sexual encounters did. It's hard to keep up this kind of pace and I'm doing it. It reminds me of high school  Cross country when I used to imagine running right into a tree mid-race and knocking my ass out. Just let it be over already!

Of course I never did that. I didn't realize that I'd have a blog 13 years later and that it would make such a damn good story. Oh the shortsightedness of teens.

The soft side of the underbelly naked truth of it is that I really wanted to win. I was imagining how cool it would be to have that button on the side of my blog and a little mention on the Circle of Moms site. And now I'm getting a bit poo poo about it. How odd is that, a well meaning blog contest causing me to have sad clown moments all by myself in front of my computer. Pity party for one much.

But I really do have a couple good and embarrassing reasons why people should feel pity and vote for me (in no particular order):

1. I was in the middle school Slam book for having the world's smallest breasts. Sad but it was true. They really were nonexistent.

2. I took my tampon out in the bathroom of the bus during a school trip and everyone in the bus next to ours saw, even though the window was tinted. Awesome.

3. I fell during a track meet. More like I went to jump the high jump, slipped, and slid all the way across the concrete to the other side of the pad on my ass. The school nurse came to pick gravel out of my thigh and lower butt... in the middle of the field.

4. I was in the Miss Coronado pageant with 4 other girls and got fourth.

5. I dropped a soda bottle in the middle of the hall at school and it blew up spraying at least 20 other students and 2 teachers.

6. I wore vests with bodysuits, need I say more?

7. For my first 4 months in Rio, I ordered penises at the bread shop thinking that I was actually saying bread and that the people behind the counter just really like me.

8. One time I accidently pooped my pants a little on the way to work. Hey, I thought it was gas. Anyway, when I got reamed by my boss for being late I told her what happened and that I went home to change. In this case I don't know if this was more embarrassing for her or for me.

9. In the 6th grade I asked my big crush to dance with me at the school dance. They were playing Boys II Men The End of the Road. He said no. I never asked another boy to dance with me at a school dance.

10. I was told by a Proctologist (whom I had to see due to pregnancy complications) that I needed to stop having anal sex. That or at least have less.

And people wonder why I have no shame.

So if admitting to the wet fart does not make me worthy of a blog award, I really don't know what does. Honestly, It feels kind of freeing to relive these 'Laughing at you but not with you moments." And you know what, this time around I laughed at myself too! Got any you want to share?


  1. Oh man! Now I want to vote for you! ;)

  2. Quite an endearing post. I'll keep voting for you, I hope others do as well.
    I think the saddest moment was being turned down for a dance by the crush, that is just cruel. Obviously I can only imagine because It has never happened to me...

  3. I think I'm the only one in the world that it's happened to. Well, at least I thought that at the moment. A witty stud like Gritty obviously has never experienced the turn down by a crush ;)

  4. Maybe your #8 was related to #10? You did say a BABY could slide out like butter after a Brazilian encounter after all =)

    Count your blessings on the school dance rejection -- my crush accepted my request during Jodeci's "Come and Talk to Me" -- but it just led to years of heartache lol.

    I was a tall, skinny, blonde 'cabeçuda' with no boobs until I was 25...can relate.

    Hmm, the tampon story is rough, but I may have taken a one-time horror over what I had to deal with...I had a 2-syllable maiden name that ended in -pon so I was kindly nicknamed Tricia Tampon throughout my adolescence.

    AAH to be young again! Worst.

  5. TLC, I think that being called Tampon would be right up there! lol Wonder why they say that kids are cruel... ;)

  6. Oh dear. Well I will keep voting for you. Does it make you happy that you are currently in second place!!?? that is really good you know!

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  8. You are too funny. Thanks for sharing all the miserable moments. But as I like to say, humor doesn't come from rainbows, it comes from under rocks. So it was all a sense of humor in the works. (I could probably match you blow for blow for humiliating moments.)

    I'm slamming myself in the head with my fist right now for forgetting to vote every day. Sorry. But let's be honest, it's going to be hard to beat a family who adopted a HIV positive kid... right? Am I right? Let's drive you home for second place.

  9. I would be very happy with second place! The only thing that does kind of annoy me, since we are being honest, is that they don't really keep up their blog. They aren't winning because they have an awesome one but because they are awesome people. Obviously that should always win but this isn't an awesome people contest. ;P

    And Born, I do love the rainbows come from under rocks way of thinking! That's awesome! (and now I am waiting for your post on embarrassing moments;)

  10. OMG Rachel! I swear to you, if you don't write a book or go on a comedy stand up tour, you are really not fullfilling your destiny! LOL

    Can I hire you for my 40th birthday party?? Hey! I'll even come to you in Rio so you don't have to travel! LOL
    Voting and trying to help you as well so good luck! You deserve it.

  11. HA. Let's just start with the fact that my delusional mother was dead-set on me becoming a star, and I had absolutely no talent. None. I was actual negative in the talent department. Only, it took me awhile to figure it out. That was worth years of humiliation right there.

    Regarding the contest, I actually am not a fan of people tooting their own horn when it comes to do-gooding, but it seems to be working for them. I think, especially in this case, second place will be most admirable.

  12. Ok, I voted for you,but I must say it was only out of pity...ha,ha,just kidding.I hope you win !

  13. Rachel,

    I am telling you, they lost momentum, the Australian mom is growing too fast for comfort, but the family in China has completely stalled. It's time to keep up the votes, we are still voting religiously everyday, Gil and I.


    I am totally with you. Rachel should totally write for comedy, she would become famous and make millions and make a lot of people laugh until their jaws hurt, just like I am right now :)


  14. Several more reasons why you rock. I just sat here laughing for the past 5 minutes and my husband had to check in on what I was doing (considering our house situation I think he was shocked to see me laughing). You're number one darling! Whether you win or come in second or whatever...you are the real, awesome deal. And we love you. xo

  15. Rachel,

    Embarassing moment:

    I was about 15 or 16 years old, we thought we were the coolest things all around, so were at a "Lanchonete" ( Cafeteria ) with a bunch of other tenagers and my cousin sat on my leg, sideways, she was wearing white pants and I had OP ( Ocean Pacific ) white pants as well, hell, I don't know what was with white pants back then, it was the 80's, so you get the picture.
    We were all talking and listening to some cool music and being so cool and then when my cousin stood up, she realized her sanitary pad wasn't big enough for all the activity she had going on, long story short, she had a big bloody spot all over her white pants and I had a big RED bloody spot on my leg, right where she was sitting. :(
    We were too far away from home and had to ride the subway and bus before we got home and were able to change clothes... :(
    Traumatizing to say the least!


  16. HAHAHAHAHA, Oh, Rachel... you're impossible! I almost peed in my pants reading the proctologist part! :))