Are you Laughing at Me?

The Circle of Moms blog contest is starting to give me a complex. I'm reverting to those fun feelings of High school of why doesn't anyone like me.

And when I was asked to join this contest, I was really excited! I felt noticed. I felt like someone likes me. How lame is that, and yet so very human. I love writing in my blog, so why on Earth does it matter if it gets noticed or loved by anyone else?

Well, because it does. I'm sorry but we are evolved puppy dogs yearning for some sort of positive feedback. And at this point of the race I am sitting with my nose down and my tail between my legs without any reason.

I'm in second, barely, but still that's good. This freaking contest is lasting as long as Sting used to claim his sexual encounters did. It's hard to keep up this kind of pace and I'm doing it. It reminds me of high school  Cross country when I used to imagine running right into a tree mid-race and knocking my ass out. Just let it be over already!

Of course I never did that. I didn't realize that I'd have a blog 13 years later and that it would make such a damn good story. Oh the shortsightedness of teens.

The soft side of the underbelly naked truth of it is that I really wanted to win. I was imagining how cool it would be to have that button on the side of my blog and a little mention on the Circle of Moms site. And now I'm getting a bit poo poo about it. How odd is that, a well meaning blog contest causing me to have sad clown moments all by myself in front of my computer. Pity party for one much.

But I really do have a couple good and embarrassing reasons why people should feel pity and vote for me (in no particular order):

1. I was in the middle school Slam book for having the world's smallest breasts. Sad but it was true. They really were nonexistent.

2. I took my tampon out in the bathroom of the bus during a school trip and everyone in the bus next to ours saw, even though the window was tinted. Awesome.

3. I fell during a track meet. More like I went to jump the high jump, slipped, and slid all the way across the concrete to the other side of the pad on my ass. The school nurse came to pick gravel out of my thigh and lower butt... in the middle of the field.

4. I was in the Miss Coronado pageant with 4 other girls and got fourth.

5. I dropped a soda bottle in the middle of the hall at school and it blew up spraying at least 20 other students and 2 teachers.

6. I wore vests with bodysuits, need I say more?

7. For my first 4 months in Rio, I ordered penises at the bread shop thinking that I was actually saying bread and that the people behind the counter just really like me.

8. One time I accidently pooped my pants a little on the way to work. Hey, I thought it was gas. Anyway, when I got reamed by my boss for being late I told her what happened and that I went home to change. In this case I don't know if this was more embarrassing for her or for me.

9. In the 6th grade I asked my big crush to dance with me at the school dance. They were playing Boys II Men The End of the Road. He said no. I never asked another boy to dance with me at a school dance.

10. I was told by a Proctologist (whom I had to see due to pregnancy complications) that I needed to stop having anal sex. That or at least have less.

And people wonder why I have no shame.

So if admitting to the wet fart does not make me worthy of a blog award, I really don't know what does. Honestly, It feels kind of freeing to relive these 'Laughing at you but not with you moments." And you know what, this time around I laughed at myself too! Got any you want to share?