Thursday, October 7, 2010

Embarrassing your Master will get you Extra Spanks.

It´s not always fun being the foreigner, especially when you are trying to say something. 

Other times, it´s hilarious to the non-native speaker!

Take today for example. I went to pilates class and was faced with a new teacher. A new, not bad looking, charming, and very male teacher.  Whatever, happily married with babies (but not dead thank you very much).

It was the beginning of class and I was being uncomfortably stared at... in my head.  It is his job to make sure we are doing things correctly.  He basically gets to put us in very unforgiving and sometimes sexual positions and then watch us struggle. What my immense enjoyment in this sadomasochistic exercise says about me, I do not know.  Maybe I´m just must be a pervert.

But before you judge me, what would you think if you saw me holding a bar hanging from the top of a table where I am laying down. Now I put my feet on the same bar, legs slightly spread apart, and start doing some sort of sit up right into my crotch.  I mean, my ass was just up and hanging out there.  I`m horrible but, at that moment, I really did think that this kind of table should double as a motel toy. 

Anyway, during one of my stretching exercises, I apparently didn´t do something correctly.  He asked me about holding something while I breathed out.  I had no freaking clue what he was talking about. My abs? I know I have to do a snazzy little thing with them but I thought I was already. He told me no no and then said the PC Portuguese words again.  I was still drawing a blank.

He then thought it was a good idea to point at what he was talking about.  Midway to my vagina, he decided it wasn´t a good idea. 

I was really curious after that! Am I supposed to tighten my vagina?  That really wasn´t going to help my view of pilates!

He finally seemed to find a path he was comfortable with and told me I´m supposed to tighten the thing that holds my bladder and muttered sphincter in English.

Ohhhhhhh, I totally know what that is! 

Alas, it was too late. The poor man was just as embarrassed as a 13 year old girl who got her period at the school dance.  Amazing too because, in my experience, Brazilians do not embarrass that easily. 

It took all the 2 ounces of maturity that I have not to laugh every time I thought of it. I couldn´t help myself. I would breath out, stretch, and think don´t forget your vagina Rachel! 

Hey, I said I only have 2 ounces of maturity, didn´t I! 


  1. Blogger is bad, will try again.
    Nice post, very funny. (wow, do comments ever come out lame on the second go!)

  2. Ooh, I've been wanting to try pilates, and now I am SO GOING.

    Laughing out loud in my kitchen, that was awesome!

  3. THAT was clearly the funniest post you have EVER done (and your posts are very funny). I'm still LMFAO. I never knew kegels were part of pilates!

  4. So go to pilates! I really do enjoy it. The breathing is the best. I leave feeling so rejuvenated.

    Thanks guys! Makes me feel less retarded for laughing at my own post.

  5. Rachel-- work those kegel muscles. ;)