Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Hot and Sweaty! Who? Me?


It's 4pm and I smell like a wet Saint Bernard. It's not pretty. I'm sweating like a heavy weight boxer in the middle of a championship. My hair is up and I'm wearing my lightest summer dress. Hell, I even ditched the bra but it didn't make a difference. 

I stumbled into the metro station this afternoon, dripping sweat and my body covered in patchwork red heat splotches. It was as if I was a reject blanket from the Amish sewing circle. 

And there she was, of course, The Brazilian.  Her hair was down and perfect, just like a Pantene ProV Conditioner ad. She had on an adorable, professional, and yet still totally hot outfit.  She was sweating, obviously, but it was different. Her sweat looked like she was spritzed with body oil before a magazine shoot. I looked like I was urinated on by a bum standing on a bridge. 

Not fair!  I know my body is not made for this heat, I step outside and my feet start running North, but I should be adapting by now.  I have the right attire, I bath at least 3 times daily like any good Carioca, and I reapply deodorant regularly.  Yet, my body still insists on overheating anytime the temp reaches 31 (87 F) or above. 

The best is when this kind of woman turns and says "It's so hot isn't it! So muggy!"  I always answer with the typical "I know!" or " It is. Hopefully it'll rain soon" or "Tell me about it. I wish I was at the beach".

What I really want to ask is: Does that Brazilian ass convert into a portable air conditioner come summer?

8 comments:

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  2. LOL, was just in the kitchen with my MIL who was complaining about being "all sweaty" (as I was visibly soaking my tank top)

    I searched for any signs of sweat before asking her what she was referring to and she said "olha meu bigode" (look at my mustache) while pointing to a barely-there glisten on her upper lip.

    Ah the pleasures of Rio summer I'd forgotten since my first one last year...Thinking a fly landed on your leg and realizing it is actually a small waterfall of sweat running nonstop in the crease of the leg behind your knees and profusely perspirating before even leaving the "box" (shower)...

    Thank God for little things like the chuverinho!

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  3. THESE WOMEN MAKE ME SO SAD. They're so pretty and sweat-proof and burn-proof. I turn into a little kid chewing on her finger, shy and in awe of them.

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  4. I'm a sweat monster forget beauty! I please let me not pass out from heat exhaution in public.

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  5. Hi! I'm new to blogging and found yours through Danielle's. I love your blogs! They crack me up. I always feel (and look) like a nasty pig in the summer. Do you think my husband is ever sweaty?! Nope...I don't understand.

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  6. Speaking of which...this morning at 7:45am I saw a woman wearing a SWEATER and SCARF in Ipanema. Niagara Falls was already dripping down my face, and she, apparently was cold. It was already in the 80s (25 C) by then!

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  7. I was reminded of the summer heat and humidity on Monday watching my son play futebol, having to de-fog my sunglasses every 30 seconds, my hair soaking wet, wondering if my eye make-up was smeared all over my face or not? And yes, I looked around to see that I was the only one who seemed to be sufferring,not even the kids running around playing futebol for an hour were sweating like I was just sitting there. I already miss winter here! I guess the one positive is that it must be detoxifying for your body to be sweating constantly for months on end. And I am sure it's the reason for being able to down so many chopp's without getting drunk.

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  8. I did an experiment today while walking in the mid-day sun to pick my daughter up from school. I left home a few minutes early so I could walk s.l.o.w.l.y instead of my usual harried pace.

    By the time I reached the school, I had barely produced a single drop of sweat!

    So perhaps the key (if one includes a bit of a time buffer) is to walk very slowly. Tradeoff is that you're in the heat longer but exerting yourself less (read: sweating less!)

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