Friday, November 19, 2010


I have always been perplexed with the inter-sexing between my husband's group of friends. Oh wait, that sounds bad. The inter-sexing that happened before they all settled down.

Oh yes, the late teens/early 20s were good years in this group.  Per most young Carioca adults, they used to travel together to different places during holiday weekends.  The group ranged from 10 to 20 to 30 (big trips) people. And yes, they all slept with each other. No, not an orgy... or at least I've yet to hear that story. 

They were all friends, they all partied together, and if the mood struck people would pair off. So this is where it gets interesting. I know of at least 3 women that both my brother-in-law and husband have slept with... oh and another friend of theirs.  And that is basically how it is for the entire group, men and women alike.

So I asked my group class about it today. Had a bit of an awkward moment when I just blurted out "Do you all hook up with each other?" We had been talking about a trip a group of 8 friends are taking this weekend. Of course, my question wasn't very clear and they asked "The three of us?"

I'm not that blunt!  But it would be an interesting story, 2 girls and a guy, to say the least.  I clarified, no the group? 

Shocker, "Yes. It happens. We're all friends."


Is this common place here in Rio? YES! They said yes! Well thank goodness. I was starting to think that my husband and our friends were just a bunch of horny bastards. Ok, I still think that but at least everyone is. 

So where is the drama?  When Susy sleeps with Pedro casually and then Pedro ends up dating Susy's best friend Isabel, doesn't it get awkward?  I mean, when the girls get together to talk shop over drinks and Isabel talks about Pedro's obsession with anal, to which Susy confirms, isn't that weird?

Maybe I'm just a prude.  Maybe I'm just a drama queen.  Maybe it's both.  The class did confirm that there can be hidden drama.  Hidden being the key word. No one talks about it, it just floats around like a beer drinking elephant at all the parties. 

At the same time, this seems like a great way of having the sex you want without the risk, assuming people are careful and take the obvious tests. I may know Pedro well but I would still want him to go get that junk swabbed at the doctors before I would put it anywhere. 

And what if Susy really liked Pedro but was just playing it cool?  No no, I just want the sex too kind of game, which never works by the way. Well, I can't really say but I can't see the logic behind it.

What about you guys? Could you hang in this kind of group? Would you be the drama queen?  What about the Cariocas and Brazilians out there. Have you slept with a large majority of your friends?


  1. OMG well I can say for sure I know what you are talking about. I've received a couple of casual mentions of this one doing this with so-and-so, or I did this with her...

    Totally glad I'm not the irrationally jealous type..that being said--I've met enough people that tip the balance on the side of excessive jealousy that it really makes me surprised how this situation ever works out smooth enough for everyone to end up at each other's kids' birthday parties and enjoying chopp and churrasco 10 years later...

    For this girl...
    With my girlfriends, no sloppy seconds.
    With my exes, keep them in the past.

  2. Yeah, i'm also really surprised to hear this is so common. Brazilians are some of the most openly jealous people I've met. And that's not necessarily a bad thing. There's no moping around until he realized you're upset, it's "I SNUCK ONTO YOUR ORKUT AND SAW WHAT THAT BITCH PRIVATE MESSAGED YOU!"
    Honesty is good.

  3. Sloppy seconds are not good. But it's so American to think that way. Just imagine all the shit that would be said in the U.S., a woman having sex with two brothers and one of their friends.

  4. I think that's how I ended up getting all my students-- they all know each other because they all sleep together, so I guess they all have post-coital talks about English classes.

  5. Its awesome to see that my sex past life is being debated on you blog Rach! :)

    We had no drama, the hook ups never got really serious, it was good old sex and better yet friendship.

    Me, being the older brother always had first dibs (is that what you say, dibs? ) heheheh just kidding (am i?).

    Now that I think about it, you are debating my sex life and my brothers, and our friends, oh boy, maybe we will get drama now....

  6. Please accept my apologies in advance for anything I say. My intention is not to offend.

    Ok, coming at this with a "OMG, what the @#*#, I'm still in shock from finding out this kind of thing goes on here from my Brazilian husband with the

    perception of a raised in Northeastern American mentality...well...let's put it this year later...I'M STILL IN SHOCK!

    Sorry, for the literary shout, but this is one of those topics which makes me shake like a leaf during a thunderstom. I was raised with the perception that sex

    is an intimate act shared between lovers. Where I come from respectable people don't have casual sex. One night stands don't happen and if it does happen

    the girl is generally considered a slut while the guy is either black listed as a trouble maker or heralded a hero by his guy pals. Casual sex between friends is

    just a recently developing phenomenom amongst the younger generations of the US.

    I have always been rebelious and firmly believe in live and let live, or at least I thought I did...but this is one of those things which has me scrambling every

    time one of my husbands gal pals contacts him. I silently wonder if they were together before he became my husband and whether or not the woman may still

    be interested in him. Does he compare me to her and if so, does he think I am better? Yes, the formerly unknown monster of jealousy has raised it's ugly

    head. It's something I have to fight. I could drive myself insane, but to my husbands credit he won't let me. We talked about it. He tries to understand me and

    why I react the way I do. He assures me that he loves me for who I am, the complete package and chivalrously fights by my side. He is actively helping me to

    slay the demon.

    One of the BIG reasons why I panick? It is not uncommon in the US for people to rebound and swing back. Usually ex's don't talk to each other and if they do

    it's not generally in a civilized manner (they would normally refer to each other as either 'that bitch or, that bastard'). In the US my husband speaking to an ex

    in a sociable tone translates into - Nooooooooooo, he wants her back!!!! and I'd most likely be right. Now one thing you must understand about the

    US...opinions will vary greatly depending on what area of the country someone is from. Some places are almost as liberal as Brazil and others, well...they just

    might stone you or subject you to a shot gun wedding. It's hard to dispell the perceptions you were raised with even if you don't conciously adhere to them.

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  10. This is not cool. Really. Its not that someone worked as a prostitute or acted like junkie sharing needles. It wasnt hardcore, orgy os anything similar. It all happened way lighter than any tv teen american series like 90210 or melrose place. You ve got it all wrong and im sorry it is exposed as it is now. Go figure it out.


  11. I'm telling you, the Brazilians are more mature when it comes to sex. I was told that I didn't want to be the 'girl you bring home'. I wanted to be the 'girl you bring home (to meet parents)'. No pressure.

    Diane, you need to not worry about it. It's not uncommon to really play the field here before you get married, because they plan to be married for good.

    Sex is an intimate act, depending on who you are with. It's not the sex that makes it special, it's the company. He married you, not one of the other girls.

    DJ, I wouldn't talk about it if it wasn't so interesting lol.

  12. Great topic! From my experience, this is very common. When I first moved here, my husband's best friend's fiance was my husband's ex-girlfriend of 5 years. And his best friend's ex-wife was dating another one of his good friends, and her ex's were dating her girlfriends...and it went on and on and goes on and on. A little twisted at times (lots of 3 is not a crowd, and things well beyond that as well) but everyone seems quite comfortable with it, having fun. Casual sex here is just that, very casual. I've been told the social pool is quite small here given where you live, where you go, so it's not necessarily taboo to date the ex-love interest of your friends or family. My husband's dearest friend in Fortaleza had a girlfriend for two years and they broke up. Shortly following this his FATHER started dating her and married her (he's 72, she's 35). They have a baby who the younger UNCLE (3yrs) of my husband's friend's son (4yrs) and they play together all of the time. And you know what? It is no big deal, and never was a big deal. Things are different here, that's for sure.

  13. Rachel,

    I grew up in a high rise type condominium in Sao Paulo, it was like a small town, "almost" every boy had sex with each other and very few girls joined in, I have to say, I had fun, no traumas, no regrets.
    We all grew up and are still friends, some moved back into the same building, I am the only one who lives really far away in Boston.
    Tomorrow my parent's condominiums are having a big party to celebrate their building's 35 years, unfortunately I won't be there.
    Most of my childhood friends will be there with their wives and children, they all had sex with each other when they were kids and teenagers but it is all in the past and nobody even talks about it anymore (I think, at least I don't).
    I spent one year in a small town in Oklahoma during high school and EVERYBODY slept with EVERYBODY, I don't know if it was an Oklahoma thing, I small town thing, but sex also happened often among friends.
    The difference between Sao Paulo and Oklahoma is that my American friends moved all over the country and don't live near each other anymore...however in Sao Paulo they are all still living near each other.
    However I always thought Americans are VERY sexually uptight, maybe it is the strong "Protestant" background that dominates the cultural behavior when it comes to sex and not talking about it, I still people here do it as much, just don't talk about it as casually, I could be wrong.
    Brazilians, while surrounded by a strong Catholic presence are not uptight at all, some more than others, I would say Cariocas are much more loose about sex than folks in Sao Paulo maybe it's the weather and the constant presence of "Speedo's" and "Biquinis", but as good Catholics...well I better say no more... ; )


    PS: Hey, I finally started my blog, thanks to you...! You found my blog before I ever did :)

  14. YOU GUYS. What are you North Americans talking about?! The same thing happens in the US, it's just that people don't talk about it!!!!

  15. It happens, but not with two brothers. And I said sloppy seconds are gross (and I am talking about male sloppy seconds too!). I would never do and never did. And brothers are taboo! I always talked about the sex circles. I like sex, but I don't want STD's. Aids broke out when I was a child. My sexuality was pretty limited because of mid-90's fear of Aids.

    Alienated western sexual identity is what we usually call it. It's not just Americans. But Americans did recieve some extra problems. Yes, when Americans came to the U.S. settlers died--too many. The church was in charge of repopulation. So Protestants are uptigh-- the people who came to America were Calvinists. A very special Protestant in deed (they believed in enternal damnation). Ever heard of the "the midnight bell" when they tolled the bell everyone in the settlements needed to have sex. Only couples whose wives had a kicking baby in the belly couldn't. They actually were forbidden to have sex when the woman was pregnant (sex was only for reproduction not pleasure). The priests would walk into people's home and watch them or make the ones reframing, start. Women and Men were only allowed to have sex with their married partner. If caught with another person, they were punished. Men usually paid a fine, while women not having money took the Scarlett Letter. Which was being burned or branded in the face. So yeah that's a little explaination on why Americans are fucked up about sex.

  16. Have to agree with Danielle and Ray that this happens just the same in the US. I grew up small town and everyone dated everyone and nobody batted and eye. Then, even when I went to University the same thing happened within the college community.

  17. really? Maybe it's just my group of friends, but if I ever dated my close friend's ex-boyfriend (that she dated for 5 years), that would be friendship ending, without a doubt. I don't think there is much stigma about hooking up with someone a friend has hooked up with, but the "sloppy seconds" dating is muuuuch more rare in my experience.

  18. Thank you for the wonderful words of support Rachel. Leo, my husband, is a really great guy and the fact that he is even willing to deal with my 'panic attacks' still amazes me. Also, sorry for the multiple postings. I kept getting error messages which apparently decided not to be errors??? O.o

  19. This is not really about who is right or who is wrong. Everyone is right because it's either the choice someone made for themselves or what was considered acceptable wherever they lived. I lived in the US for 40 years and my perceptions are what I was raised to believe is normal.

    I grew up in central Pennsylvania. A part of the country which was founded by the Quakers which were also known as Puritans. Here is a link about Puritans if you're interested it may give some insight into why sexuality developed the way it did in certain parts of the US. What Nina said was very accurate and a book titled The Scarlett Letter authored by Nathaniel Hawthorn was set in a Puritan community. Many of the founding fathers of the US government were Quakers (Puritans). Laws dictating sexuality were created during the younger years of the nation which made illegal sodomy, fellatio, adultery, prostitution, public indecency and so on. Most of those laws are still in place in several of the states even if they are not openly observed.

  20. What you see on TV is typically the results of people with more liberal thinking. Opinions, lifestyles, religious perceptions and so on vary wildy depending on the age, location,social status, ethnicity and believe it or not even the time of ancestral immigration. It's just like racism, sexism and homophobia. In some parts of the country it isn't a factor but in other areas it's horrible. One just can't blanket North Americans as being one way or the other. For example - my father was raised in PA, my mother in NY. My father was racist and homophobic (his views have mellowed with time) but my mother was completely opposite.

    OK, enough said...I am a very wordy person lol.

    Here's a link some might find fascinating as well. I know Leo was shocked when he found out the Amish actually exist and still do. The Amish are a religious sect which believe the use of electricity is a sin among other things. They mainly live in Pennsylvania and Ohio.

  21. OMG, you are preaching to the choir! My bf has hooked up with almost every female friend. In fact, I met a couple of his exes/hookups in his town! I don't get it, because in my experience, I don't talk to my exes. There is no reason to, unless children are involved! I had to swallow some bitter pills over those, but we worked through it. Believe me, its not just a Rio thing! I have seen some skanko bitches in his town try to hook up with my bf! Its ridiculous! BF just makes fun of them. They just want to get alimony if they get pregnant. He knows they are crazy! His mom is glad he is with me. His sister tells girls to stay away from him! Its great they have my back!

  22. I also had a giant issue with this one... Even though it seems like my husband is comparitively more 'prudish' than the rest.
    I think he's kind of jumped on the North American bandwagon now - he doesn't have contact with his ex's but he DEFINITELY slept with ONLY his friends.
    They aren't really one night stands if you know the person right? I am the one who had the 'one nighters'... I think one night stands are more of a NA thing and sleeping with your friends is the Brazilian thing.
    I still think it's more strange to sleep with your friends.

  23. I went to high school with Rach and I was going to say that this doesn't happen in the US very much, but then I thought a little about my past.

    I slept with or dated mainly friends in my group so I slept with girls that were friends and I have a friend who has hooked up with a couple of the groups exs also.

    I moved and had 1 friend hook me up with another to test run me I guess.
    And the strangest thing of all I had an ex hook me up with her younger sister.

    I am friends with most of my exs and that is tough for my wife because she isn't.