Mr. Rant and I had a chat this evening over questionable internet behavior. The thing about internet is that it leaves access to gray areas that could or could not be questionable depending on the relationship of the person.
That then goes directly into the "privacy" aspect of internet and relationship. What can a partner read and question without getting the response of "Did you go into my account?" Is it ok for a spouse to enter your account? Is it ok to do questionable things under the umbrella understanding that one won't use the known password and check on the other?
I have always felt that, seeing Mr. Rant has all my passwords, he will one day check up on things. Personally, I call it healthy curiosity instead of prying. But let's be honest, we all like to pry. We want to know the dirty secrets of the person we are with, even though the person we are with isn't supposed to have any dirty secrets.
At the same time, how boring is it to not! My solution, to have dirty secrets with the one you are with! Oh the ideal world I live in.
In all honesty though, it comes down to perspective. And in the internet society we live in we have to have perspective. I'm sorry but at one point or another your significant other is going to either 1. download more porn than you are comfortable with 2. overly compliment someone else to a point that you are not comfortable with 3. have internet sex or 4. try internet bestiality (sheep are getting crazy smart these days).
So where is the line? Is it password use or activity? Is it communication over lack there of? How much contact are you comfortable with you spouse having?
I say keep your own passwords and each individual takes care of their own affairs which requires the Internet. Each person has his/her own computer as well. It isn't that expensive these days, even in overtaxed Brazil.
ReplyDeleteA person continues to be an individual regardless of relationship status, would you not agree? Plus in Latin America and Europe, which culturally are not prone to Negative Liberty(hence much of the backwardness in my not so humble opinion) one must fight daily to maintain individuality.
Defend your Negative Liberty.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Negative_liberty
Seriously? I find it totally weird when couples have separate computers and such.
ReplyDeleteB and I know each others passwords, he reads my blog about once a week or less and can see my twitter feed if he wants to. Once every few months he'll ask me what's up on Facebook. He has access to it all, but he's really not interested. If he wants to know something, he just asks me. We talk A LOT.
ReplyDeleteHe's a very opinionated man who can't keep a secret to save his life. I don't worry that he has any hidden goings-on. Haha. We have free access to each others computers and passwords.
It's a good mix of trust, transparency, and non-intrusiveness.
On the other hand, my ex guarded his passwords like Fort Knox, had a massive and ever growing porn collection, and wrote all kinds of bastardly and sneaky things about me all over the internet during our divorce. It was only after he accidentally forgot to log out of his email account one day during the split that I found out he belonged to every online dating source known to the internet (and had belonged to them for a long time) and also had a real life girlfriend he'd been seeing for months to boot. All while he continued to swear his undying dedication to me and accused me every day of cheating on him and blaming the entire divorce on me alone. He still blames me.
Ooh! Look, I just dumped my issues all over the internet. Sorry.
Anyway, my point is that just the act of being secretive and separate about passwords and computers is enough to make me extremely suspicious. The open sharing of passwords, etc is a show of faith to me that gives me enough peace of mind that I don't feel like I need to snoop or check. Honesty and openly talking about our dark bits face to face and out in the open is where we build the trust.
I find it a bit weird couples sharing password but what ever works best for you is the right way. But what I really think is weird is the account sharing, like in facebook, 1 account for the couple. WTF! So I guess in cyber space we can actually break Newton laws of 2 bodies occupying the same space. I smell a control freak!!!
ReplyDeleteI find it SUPER weird when couples share a facebook/twitter/email account. I mean, come on! As for the password thing, it isn't like Mr. Rant and I sat down and took notes on the different passwords for each thing. We have just been married so long we pretty much know at this point. It's never really been hidden
ReplyDeleteDan Savage has written tons on this over the years. If you snoop, you gotta be ready for what you might find. You gotta communicate. But, you can also communicate to "not communicate" about certain things. Basically, you can both choose to leave certain doors open.
ReplyDeleteFor example, your agreement may be that your husband can look at porn if and only if he is "responsible" and hides it so that you don't accidentally come across it. If you snoop, then the ball's in your court.
http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove
Agree with you on the shared accounts thing. Weird.
Yeah i also have read that many people have a relationship with their computer, which is very sad.. when more time pas the humans have become more useless and die faster because the body needs movement to live but in a chair is pretty difficult to have some kind of motion.
ReplyDeleteMy wife and I have separate Yahoo accounts and I have a email account via our French ISP. My wife and I know each other's passwords but we don't read each other's mail mainly because we trust each other. Still, it's all there for the reading if we wanted to read each other's mail. I always copy her on mail or pps files that I send to our Brazilian relatives or other friends when I think she will enjoy it.
ReplyDelete