Mother-in-Law: Rule of Threes

Brazilian Mother-in-Laws are a form of art. You need to approach them with delicacy, respect, and knowledge. No, you can not expect them to just fall in love with you, especially if you are female. You have to earn it.

The best tip I have ever received about my relationship with my Mother-in-Law came from an Aunt of my husband. People, prepare yourself because this is gold.

It is the rule of 3. You always insist 3 times. I'm sure I've mentioned this before but it is so important that I will mention it again. 

Now the rule of three is in relationship to activities with her. I will give you an example that happened just last night in my very own home. 

Mr. Rant and I had been planning to have a date night. This is a rare occurrence in my home as I don't have a full time maid who babysits and have yet to find a babysitter I trust outside of direct family members. Yes, I can be that anal. 

Anyway, my Mother-in-Law had offered to babysit, tonight actually, and we were supposed to go out. So when Mr. Rant mentioned that his Mother was upset about missing out on lunch with him and that he would like to take her out one evening to make it up to her, I knew where it was going. Of course the only possible evening in the foreseeable future was tonight. 

Given my interesting past with my Mother-in-Law, I have a lot of respect for our now good relationship and have an understanding of what makes her happy. If you think a happy wife equals a happy life than a happy Mother-in-Law gets your name on the list at the doorway to heaven. 

We both brought it up to her and she put her foot down saying "No no, I am babysitting for you tomorrow night."

Rule of 3 people. 

My rebuttal: "No no, you and Mr. Rant NEVER get any quality time. We can go out another night."

Her rebuttal: "No no, you and Mr. Rant never get to go out."

Me again: "Ah, I get to see him every day. We cuddle every night after the kids are in bed. But I'll let you babysit another day."

Her rebuttal... oh wait, there wasn't one. See, I've gotten so good at this point that I'm down to 2! Of course I did mention it to her again today and confirmed with Mr. Rant. Somewhere along the line it became my job to make sure it actually goes down as she never wants to put us out even though she does in fact want some time with her boy. Amazingly her son has yet to figure this out. You'd think he'd speak fluent woman after growing up in a culture like this.

And while some of you may say this is all immature and where is the direct communication, I will merely respond with "so you don't have Brazilian family, do you?"  It's a fact of life and when it comes to your Brazilian Mother-in-Law it is worth it!

Your Brazilian Mother-in-Law is the force in the life around you, like it or not. She cares for your family more than you could possibly understand and if that caring means she has to take you out, she will. Of course only in the name of what is best for your family. 

Keep in mind though, once you start to understand each other there is no better ally. She will have your back better than Captain America and the Hulk combined. Not to mention if a certain husband will not listen to your sound advice, Mother-in-Law will make it happen. 

It really is an amazing thing to watch, especially with mine who is so tiny she could just fit in my pocket. She's a pocket sized Mother-in-Law, conveniently sized to take anywhere.

What Golden Mother-in-Law advice do you have to share?

The Maze of the Uninspired

I'm starting to think my Mother-in-law was right about the whole Feng Shui thing. I am so uninspired I may as well be constipated. 

She told us to not put our computer in our little office alcove in the hallway. She said "The energy there is not conducive to creativity. You will not be able to perform if that is your work area." Of course all of that was in Portuguese and said much more eloquently but go with me for a minute.

I finally got tired of having the damn computer on a table in our dining room. It looked like crap and we are trying to sell our place. I said screw it with this eastern froofy crap. Screw the moon, the stars, and the direction of our home. Let's put stuff where it actually goes. 

And here I am lacking any and all motivation to write. Actually, I have motivation up to the moment I sit down at the freaking computer. 

So it got me thinking, maybe we weren't bat ass crazy to not buy that first AMAZING apartment because the bathroom is in the middle (I'm still bitter about it by the way). I'm also thankful that my c-section with The Menace happened to land on a good moon.

Yes, my Mother-in-law told me dates for when the moon would be favorable (once C-section talk started). I looked at Mr. Rant and asked how in the hell I was supposed to explain this to my OBGYN. He shrugged. I thought about who I had to deal with the next 20+ yrs. Guess who won.

So now I am wondering where I should move this freaking desktop. Apparently astrology is the new black and it is stopping my creativity. I know you all have some "reasonable" explanations behind it but it's been over a month of scraping at the edges and my mind is starting to hurt.

Hot damn, I just may buy 3 bottles of wine and pull out my copy of The Sun Almost Rises. I just need one true sentence.

Any suggestion as what it may be?

A Trip to the Country

We had an abnormally wonderful treat this week as Mr. Rant actually took 2 days off of work and took all of us out to the country! My MIL has never been happier to have her house invaded by us for an almost full 4 days.

We made this trip especially fabulous by bringing second cousins visiting from France with their son. Chatterbox was in 4 yr old heaven sharing his special place with his 3rd or 4th cousin removed, whatever Mr. Rant's 2nd cousin's child would be to our son. I'm sure Ray, Gritty Poet, or Jim will know the answer to that riddle.

Anyway, I'm taking a break from the madness as a Botafogo game (plus ipads and Ben 10) are humoring the masses.

It's been an awesome trip and I will sadly be heading back into the city tomorrow. I will say though, I was great to get away and show my children that pideons aren't in fact birds, trees don't only grow in parks, and that you can actually go for a walk without running into other people.

All and all, this weekend was a homerun!

*Please note that I can not spell check as the site and computer are refusing to leave their Portuguese bubble. I am not, therefore, responsible for misspellings, my 4th grade teacher is. Please take all issues up with Mrs. McKee.

Husband for Sale

So I woke up this morning with an urge to sell my husband to gypsies. Actually, I was willing to trade him for a pair of cute but old shoes at that point.  And it was really over nothing huge or shocking. No one said anything inappropriate and nothing was thrown.

He was just freaking annoying! So freaking annoying this morning when we woke up that he's lucky I didn't have an old moldy sock to stuff in his mouth out of spite.

And the mood-breaker this morning was something I had been waiting for. I do give Mr. Rants props for holding it in for so long. But it finally escaped this morning. He busted out the 'I'm going to have the kids for 2 days alone!' whine.

For starters, he's not going to be alone. He's going to his Mother's house. He has her Mommy pants pressed and waiting to put on the moment my boys get out of the car.  He also has his father, brother, and sister-in-law.

Let's then go to the fact that I have the kids ALL the time! 24 hrs 7 days a week of kid and family fun for this Mommy. Heaven forbid I take a 2 day breather to actually have an identity of my own.

But you know, all this isn't completely responsible for annoying me.  Well, not all that much anyway.  I do have the kids all the time so we have a great routine. We are a well oiled 3 person machine.  Mr. Rant leaves for 10 days, or on business, and is missed but it doesn't rock the boat. Mommy gone is like paddling around hidden mines. Maybe not so dramatic but I can be self-important that way.

You see I was already annoyed when we went to bed because we had one of the famous battles of strength between my MIL and I, and she wasn't even aware of it.  My Dear Mr. Rant enjoys enforcing these things for her.  It went something like this:

Me: I don't want you guys to take the boys to that.
Him: I know but it won't be an issue.
Me: But it is an issue because it makes me nervous. Anyway, the boys don't enjoy it.
Him: I know they don't but my Mom really wants to go
Me: But Chatter box only whines to go home at these places and Clown tries to run away
Him: I know.
Me: So?
Him: *laugh* So I'll see what my Mother wants to do.
Me: *laugh* So maybe you should just start sleeping with your Mother if you are so concerned about what she thinks...

Ok, last sentence didn't bust out in that kind of smoothness but I wish it did. And don't get me wrong, I dig that son/mother love and everything. I have boys and I hope that my son takes my side occasionally. But not unquestionably.

There should be boundaries and Mr. Rant is in charge of setting those boundaries. No, they are not allowed to show up right at bedtime after a long day, or the middle of lunch, or for only 5 minutes so the kids cry when they don't stay to play.  No they can not give your kid ice cream at breakfast. It is our husbands' job to help their Mothers find these obvious but apparently elusive lines between absurd and tolerable.

Regardless, this is not going to happen. The son just does not feel the Mother is doing anything wrong, even if the wife disagrees. It's a 'not a big deal' situation. Even if all involved followed my simple 5 point plan, the force of the MIL and son are too strong.  There are some points of life that one can not battle.

And I'm ok with that. I don't even get that annoyed with the whole thing. A bit of ice cream with one breakfast, while it makes my stomach churn to think of it, will not kill anyone.  My issue is when Mr. Rant chooses sides.  I strongly believe that in a debate over the children/home, husbands should side with their wives and not their Mothers.

Personally, I hope my sons can one day say to me "Mom, I know you think that this is great but it's not really necessary/good/enjoyable for our children and/or my wife doesn't think it's a good idea"

I'll respond by saying "That whore is so annoying!"

Coffee realizations

My Mother-in-Law came over today.  I thought she seemed emotionally tired.  As always, I asked her if she would like me to make some coffee.

Note, if your Mother-in-Law is Brazilian and drinks coffee, always ask if she would like some the moment she arrives at your place.  Coffee is almost as important as the kiss on the cheek.  If she says, "no, it's ok. I don't want to cause you any trouble." The correct answer is, "It is no trouble at all." Yes, there is a right answer and no, it really isn't a big deal to make a pot of coffee.

If she should say "Only if you are making yourself some or only if you are going to have some", there are numerous answers but it all ends up with you making coffee.  I usually opt to just drink some. There's about a tablespoon in that tiny cup and it saves me from using up my allotted Portuguese words for the day.

I have found that after a certain number of Portuguese words, my brain stops producing them. You'd think after 5 years my brain would stop going on strike but it persists. I think it's as stubborn as I am. Go figure.

Anyway, today I asked her if she'd like some coffee.  She looked at me, sighed, and said "yes, yes I would."

I didn't know what to do with myself at first.  A direct answer from someone down here?!  There was a little fizz and a bit of smoke came out of my ears.

After all these years, I thought I would be so happy without the typical hoop jumping, but instead it saddened me.  First off, I had my jumping shoes on and ready to go. Secondly, I missed the social norms, the prearranged opening script.  A huge red flag started waving over her head, warning warning something amiss.

And honestly, there was. It sucked to see someone I love hurt and so emotionally worn. 

Of course, coffee was served and emotions started to flow, venting was done, and everyone was a smidgen lighter.  Not only is coffee a great Brazilian crop and a potential social landmine for foreigners, it's an opportunity to sit and share.

Coffee anyone?

Pão de queso or pedra?

I decided to try to be more economical with my supermarket purchases this month. Against the advice of many Brazilian family members, I bought... gasp... generic products. OMG!  The world is ending. 

Cariocas are notorious brand whores. Even my maid is quite particular about it and gives me endless amounts of crap for buying unknown brands to save a R$1.  I can´t help it!  Milk is milk, right?  All of them are full of hormones and crack anyway. 

I stuck my neck out big time this month and bought generic pão de queso. My Mother-in-Law would disown me if she found out. Actually, she would probably try to lend us money if it came to generic pão de queso. 

And it´s not that it´s come to this, if you know what I mean. It´s that it´s a junk food and I hate spending R$6 on a pack that has maybe 2 servings. Call me what you will but it´s annoying.

So I put the other brand in and baked it exactly how you are supposed to, no corners cut.  You see, my oldest had a friend sleep over so I wanted the breakfast treat to be just perfect. 

Guess what, no one ate them. So I "saved" R$2 on the purchase but then threw the lot out.  I guess that would mean that I actually wasted R$4 and proved my Mother in Law right... again. 

You heard it here folks, there is a difference!  As per the advice of both sides of my husband´s family, only buy Forno de Minas!

At least the things were of some use this morning. My youngest used them as extra boulders for his toy quarry.

The Cardinal Sin of Brazil is not what you think it is

I have just committed the cardinal sin in Brazil. No, not murder.  So not stealing.  Think simple.

I reheated my coffee! 

Maybe it´s just my husband´s family but I think my MIL would have a grande mal seizure and end up in the hospital if she saw me do it.  They won´t drink coffee that´s been sitting for an hour. It´s old. Best to make a new batch... that is, if any of the coffee actually manages to survive after being made. 

Ah Poo Poo, I made too much yesterday and I can´t bear to throw it away!  That and I´m lazy. Who wants to take the extra 3 steps in the morning to make a fresh pot when you´ve got some good enough already sitting on the counter.  Shocked? Why? I just said I`m lazy.

In my defense, I only do this kind of thing during the week.  Weekends deserve fresh coffee.

Mother/Mother-in-law MD

I was reading a blog post about someone´s mother-in-law MD situation.  You know the one, where your MIL thinks she´s a doctor and tells you what you, your husband/wife/partner, and children have.  My MIL is pretty good about this. She doesn´t tell me what we have, only advises us on how to treat it.  Being I´m outside my own country, that´s not totally unwelcome.  Given, some of the treatment ideas in Brazil are down right crazy to me, none-the-less I´m a girl who needs some Brazilian treatment guidance. 

The one who´s the MD in our extended family is my Mother. My mother is a sometime blog reader of mine so, in case she reads this, Yes Mom I´m talking about you. 

Seriously, any and all ailments I can think of we have in our family. It´s an anomaly that my family has managed to survive long enough to continue breeding.  We have GERD, ADD, OCD, Manic depression, cancer, asthma, thyroid disorders, heart disease, alcoholism, allergies, and ear infections to name a few. 

I love my Mother, and (Mom this is for you) I enjoy getting each and every diagnosis.  I find it useful, and if not, humorous.  It happens. 

Now on the other hand, I don´t know how my husband feels about it. He´s so Carioca he could have a heart attack without knowing. Actually, he is so mellow that he walked around for 3 days with a collapsed lung and developed bacterial pneumonia before going to the hospital.

You know, when you say that out loud it makes you wonder if he´s super mellow or just a little bit retarded.  I´m going to go with mellow because he´s my husband and I love him.

Anyway, to those of you with the MIL MD issue, don´t take it to heart. It´s caring with a capital short bus and giant gold star. 

Here´s the original article for you curious readers: My Mother-In-Law the wannabe doctor

A little note on Brazilian Mother in Laws

So I forgot a very simple Brazilian Mother in Law rule last night. My MIL called to ask if I wanted her to come stay with me these last couple of days Daniel is away.  I told her of course but if she didn´t want to or had things to do, she should feel obligated.

Wrong answer!  The right thing would have been to insist that she comes. She will question you 3 times and you must insist 3 times! That´s the game people. 

It´s really quite funny and I know I´ve offended my poor MIL a couple of times because I´m not very good at games, even in English. But it´s a cultural fact here. It´s the daughter/son in law´s job to make the MIL feel wanted. 

And don´t get me wrong, I´d love for her to stay here for a couple of days. I mean, we´re talking good company and help with the kids.  At the same time, I´m fine and I don´t want her to stay because she feels obligated but to stay because she wants to.

That is wrong as well.  It´s not bad to be obligated in Brazil.  You are supposed to be obligated. You are obligated to help the MIL, the Grandma, the Aunt, the Uncle, the Cousin, the Cousin´s boyfriend, the Cousin´s boyfriend´s doorman, the Cousin´s boyfriend´s doorman´s cousin... you get the picture.

It´s the beauty of Brazil and it´s best not to rock the boat doing what our culture considers polite, denying help. No no no, here you accept help with open arms and a big old kiss. 

I know I just did!