Do the Dishes and Get Laid

A new study shows that women find their husbands more sexually attractive if they help around the house. Dr. John Gottman scored massive points with his wife the day he published that paper of gold!

I for one am instantly more attracted to Mr. Rant when he helps out around the house. (Mr. Rant, are you reading this?)

Honestly, I have moments where if I see one more dirty dish I feel like throwing them all out the window. Don't even get me started on food preparations, laundry, mopping, putting away toys after the kids put away toys, de-urinizing of the bathroom and so on and so forth.

This may even go double for Brazilian men. By cultural nature, the Brazilian man is quite spoiled. They are not used to helping around the house, with meal prep, nor with children. Don't get me wrong, the ones I know aren't getting drunk at the dive bar at 10am or anything like that. No, they are just are a part of a culture where many homes have maids and what the maid doesn't do the woman of the house does. Seeing that there is help, the other stuff isn't that big of a deal.

At the same time, Mr. Rant doing the dishes or hanging the laundry is a total turn on. For starters, he isn't doing it for himself. In his world his boxers fold themselves and walk right into his drawer. When Mr. Rant washes dishes or does anything else in the house he is basically doing it so I won't have to. He is coming in and taking a bit of the load off.

That my friends is freaking hot! There is a lot bigger chance of me being down to get down if I'm not feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, or pissed off. Hell, if you do all of the housework I may even throw in a costume.

The thing is that men do not understand that the household work can sometimes sit on us like a constant hangover. The moment you are ready to relax you remember that there is a load of laundry in the washer or that the kids will be hungry soon.  As they have yet to master the culinary arts that too is your problem.

Personally, the day I come home to find the house clean, kids bathed, dishes washed, and dinner done I'm going to throw Mr. Rant onto the dining room table and take him. Of course that will totally traumatize the boys but when I explain it to their future spouses they will completely understand!

Who does the chores in your house? Does your spouse helping out make him/her appear more attractive?

On a side note, here's another interesting article about housework and sex: CNN: Housework and Sex

Brazilians and Sex

A Facebook friend shared a very humorous link talking about "The Top 50 Mistakes Women Make While Having Sex." Being that I blog about living in Brazil, I'm going to Brazilianize some of these thank you very much.

#1 was a personal favorite: Assume he can get a raging hard on when it suits you. 


I don't know about you but I find that the Brazilian man usually has a hard on, even when it doesn't suit you. These guys have horny down like a bad crack habit. Although I do agree that you can not expect it to just jump up to salute you, unless you are Juliana Paes that is.

#13 has a good message: Allowing your Crotch to resemble the Amazon.

I get where they are going with the Amazon reference although Brazilian women are known for their highly kept up nether regions. Seriously, you let that stuff grow in a bit and your waxing lady tells you off!

#14 is awesome: Assuming that sex means a relationship. They continued to say: "The only relationship you have is that he now has stuck his hoo-hoo dilly in your cha-cha."

I think both sides understand this down here. As I have said before, there is a decent amount of inter-sexing, at least in Rio de Janeiro. I believe there is an understanding that sex does not translate into meeting the very large extended family. At the same time, I have heard that Carioca women wait longer to have sex with Carioca men than they do with foreigners. Things that make you go hmmmmm.

#19 is also one that we have down in Rio: Refusing to be Spontaneous ie. sex outside of the bedroom.

Yeah, people are practically having sex on the streets. Yes, slight exaggeration but when making out like you are dying does happen at 9am on the subway, you feel that way. I think spontaneous sex is happening in Rio as you read this blog post. What was that? I think someone just got pregnant...

#20 I have to mention just because of personal preference: Do not diss the quickie!

People, quickies are the fast food that can supply an orgasm and not make you obese. Go for it! I couldn't see any Brazilian man turning down the quickie. Let me rephrase that, I couldn't see any Brazilian man turn down just about any form of sex, no offense. Also, I think the women here are more open to it. There seems to be an understanding that sex is healthy and good.

#45 may touch home for Brazilian men: "Anything that involves inserting anything into his body that he has not specifically approved beforehand."

I find that one particularly amusing because I have a very close friend who insists that all men LOVE the shocker (look it up on your own if you have to) and that you do it without asking. Of course they'll say no but they say yes when you do it. Sounds like date rape to me. I can't see such a machismo population liking things slid up their toosh but then again you never know.

Anyway, the entire article is hilarious and you should take a look at it. Ladies, in my opinion the points are very true and some of them fall under "learn to live by."

Check it out: The Top 50 Mistakes Women Make While Having Sex

Brazilian Child Star talks Anal

So this is old news but I am still going to talk about it. Sandy, a Brazilian version of Marie Osmond only younger, apparently mentioned anal sex in an interview with Playboy magazine. The magazine quoted her as saying something along the lines of "anal sex can be pleasurable."

Well the Brazilian side of Twitter nearly spontaneously combusted at the news. Of course Ms. Sandy went to Twitter to say she never has and never will talk about her sex life. Playboy magazine said they have the video of the moment. This is all big news down here, or was last week anyway, because she is a goody two-shoed good girl.

News flash! Even nice girls like to get laid. I know we are not supposed to say it out loud (like how I slid myself right into that category) but we do. Second news flash, sex is fun.

So this brings me to a conversation I had with friends last night. Why is it that we women have this stigma. If you don't have sex with enough people you are prude and if it's with too many than you are a whore. The entire international group agreed that Brazilians seem to be much more flexible with "the number" and do not scare quite as easily.

My impression of Cariocas, for example, is that a woman can have one night stands without much backlash. That and I have yet to hear about people asking about "the number." I wonder, with all ficando (hooking up) and intersexing, are numbers not important? Have Brazilians sexually evolved past keeping count?

At the same time, how can a country parade naked women every year at Carnaval and then be shocked over one woman's mention of anal? Isn't that a double standard? Of course Sandy was Devassa's Carnaval girl this year and it got just as much attention and criticism. So does that mean that Brazil does have the separation of the good and bad girls just like everyone else?

I really can't tell with all the nudity and making out. Where is the line?

As for good girl vs bad, why do we still have this stigma? Do you think it's beneficial or detrimental to society?  Have we or will we ever evolve past sexual judgement?

I Had A Cesarean

I had a Cesarean in Brazil. For anyone who knows the rate of c-sections in this country, that is not a shock. For me, it was the biggest disappointment of my life.

I am naturally very defensive of my doctor's decision. It comes from a place of fear and shame. I have never gotten over the fact that I did not deliver naturally. I will never stop feeling like I missed out.

The fact is, I didn't go into labor. My doctor stripped my membranes, instructed me to have sex, and basically opened the way for me to do anything that may induce labor. Hell, I was at 42 weeks, the baby had dropped, and my cervix was off pouting for some reason.  Still, my doctor never showed any signs that she was planning on a c-section.  Her hospital was different.

You see, while I did give birth in Rio de Janeiro, I gave birth at a public educational hospital that encourage (aka somewhat forces) a natural birth. They want the doctors that they are training to experience the real thing before they fall into the scheduling trend. That and since I wasn't paying, they would have to eat the surgery fee.

But that still doesn't calm the acid inducing thoughts I have when I think of my c-section. It doesn't matter how many doctors, who have to take my medical history for one reason or another, make a side comment of "Oh it was at the Maternidade? So then it must have been necessary."

You know why? Because I was there when a woman was in labor with an estimated 10 lb baby and the doctor loudly asked if there was time for an emergency c-section. Obviously the pathway would be too small.

I can name 3 friends who have given birth to 10 lb babies naturally (without anesthesia.) I'm guessing it wasn't a party in there but the job got done.

That mini-conversation sticks in my head every time I think of how I had my babies. It weighs over me, even though when my doctor commented about LARGE size of my first born's head in the ultra sound and then stated that "Thank goodness you are a big girl. The Vagina will match the baby." In my defense, I think she meant tall, not large.

It makes me wonder about the lack of education natural birth advocates talk about. I never understood it until I had children. No, not because of my birth experience but from arguing with doctors. Standing up for what I feel is best for my children has made me focus in on the fact that doctors are human, and thus can make errors. To err is human or so I have heard.

The point being in all this is to advise all pregnant women to ask questions! Go get a second opinion. Fight for your right for a natural birth! As someone who didn't, I regret it. And it breaks my heart to hear of women who choose to have a cesarean. They choose to make a risk, raise the bar, and add complications.

To those women, if it's the glamour of the vagina, let me tell you something. Come look at my abdomen. Come over and check out my scar. I'll let you feel the bump where they cut the muscle. Trust me, I have 2 boys and this second one was done cosmetically, it does not matter. You'll sit in your bikini, no matter how low it is, and the skin will fold. You have cut the muscle in your stomach for goodness sake. Your Vagina will heal because that is what it is made to do, your abs won't.

Think of it like this. Take a envelope. Cute a line horizontally down the front where someone would write the address. Now open the flap where you insert letters and close it again. Which opening is more obvious?

So go for the gold ladies! If a Vagina can open up for a Brazilian penis, I think a baby will slide out like butter.  Well, we can hope anyway.

Hot Brazilians For Your Friday (Saturday)

We traveld to the country yesterday afternoon and I had a total and complete brain fart when it came to my blog. Can you believe I thought it was Thursday?!

So I have come to apologize for denying you your Friday Hotness. Better late than never, right?

Cauã Reymond can deliver me flowers like this any day he'd like.  

And I'm guessing Sabrina Sato dances like this in Mr. Rant's dreams.



The Full Bush

Photo by: http://laughoutloud.us/photo/mow-the-pubic-hair-tattoo/

I was thinking about women's bushes and their styles. You see, there has been a bit of a controversy around the Brazilian wax. Apparently it's giving the vagina a hard time.

Weird right, a Vag hair style being a controversy. Like we don't have enough to worry about in the world. At the same time, the Brazilian wax is a total movement. People who get them do it religiously. Again, weird obsession with pubic hair.

So I started to wonder if it had something to do with partner preference. In this day and age, how would a man react if he pulled down a lady's pants and was time warped into the 1960s? Personally, I bet he'd hit it anyway and then just talk about it to his friends later. Personally, I can't imagine eating out carpet. Not that poonanny is my cup of tea either but it is an even less desirable thought when it includes a mouthful of hair.

And it's not just us ladies. If I pulled down Mr. Rant's pants and found a freaking rain forest, we'd have to talk. My throat does not like to be flossed. Leave the hair but make some room for us to get in there without the fear of getting trapped in a jungle.

So I ask you, how important is pubic hair? Do you have a preference or are you just pleased to be getting some?

Does Penis Size Correlate with Country Happiness?

So I read in an old Forbes article that Brazil is the world's 12th happiest country! I am not surprised to say the least.

First off, beer flows like water here. We all know the alcohol is a great mask for depression. Secondly, sex is widely accepted even though everyone is very Catholic. I do believe that priests have a lot of confessions to get through each day, which probably makes them just as happy as sex does the rest of us.

But I think that one needs to look at this study a bit closer.  I feel that something has not been accounted for and I would like you to refer to the penis chart.

I first introduced this chart in an old post of mine and it seemed to give yet another variable in the question of happiness and what we need in life.

Now while Brazil's level in the penis chart more or less coincides with it's level in world happiness, I am finding some discrepancies with the other countries.

I will accept Denmark at 6inches and with their stable economy. The two together do make for a happy population. Netherlands at a rousing 6.2 and Coasta Rica at an innocent 5.9, with their lovely countryside and beaches (respectively), are totally understandable.

But just look at Finland's sad 5.4 and take into account the amount of snow in the winter! There's also the less than ideal 5.5 of New Zealand and Canada. I know I'm nitpicking here people but we are comparing against Brazil's 6.3inches, sunshine, and samba.

And it should be noted that it is impossible to check the African countries listed last on Forbe's list as they are not on the penis chart. Personally, I believe that either the number of inches didn't fit into the tiny box or they didn't want to make the other penises feel bad.

I will say though that Turkmenistan is listed as the 18th World's happiest country and 5.3inches in the World's length. You have to wonder who got paid off for that one.

It also shouldn't be ignored that, at 19, United Arab Emirates have refused to even partake in the length debate, but because they run the world I will say it's for the same reasons as Africa (if by same I mean opposite).

Honestly, I'm a little disappointed in Gallup World Poll. If Rachel's Rantings in Rio can find such an obvious mistake in research, there is some serious lack in hustle there. Or maybe we are just looking at different qualities.

You tell me, which matters more in life: the motion of the economy or the size of the country?
_________________________

Don't forget to vote for me as your favorite expat Mom! Ok, maybe I'm not your favorite but you still like me and get a laugh at my expense. Totally worth a vote!

Here's your link: Circle of Moms Top 25 Moms

By the way, you can vote once a day. Actually, each and every IP address can, hint hint.

Love you too!

Hot Brazilians for your Friday!

Since the first Hot Brazilians for your Friday was such a hit, I thought I'd give you more!

Per demand, I give you Rodrigo Santoro. I saw him once in person and guess what, he's totally HOT! By the way, this is how he would look in my b... ahhhhhhhhhh. Sorry what was I saying?

And since I represent Hotness equally, meet Deborah Secco. Gorgeous! Mr. Rant could totally cheat on me with her and I think I would have to understand. I mean, who wouldn't jump at a chance with that!

Sex or a Baby?

Remember how I screamed baby fever from the top of the blog the other day? Well, things got worse. 

Actually, it's kind of been a work in progress, growing until it hit a peak. You see, not only has baby fever jumped up, so has my libido. 

Yes, I'm saying it here right now. I have been one horny Mommy/expat blogger. It really is getting out of control. I am at the point where I want my husband to skip out on work. I want him to miss meetings and instead head over to a motel with his wife.  Is that too much for a woman to ask?!

People, my libido thinks it's in it's 20s! It's out of control. Sex and hotness is crossing my mind all the freaking time. Ok, let me rephrase that. It's always been a regular visitor but now it has moved in next to my childhood memories and Portuguese that is used at the park. 

Imagine if those things get mixed up! It could get a bit nasty in there! 

So I came up with a plan and it's one that Mr. Rant adores.  Instead of putting my body and energy into trying to make another kid, we're going to try a different direction.

No baby this time. We're going to go for the sex! 

While I am lucky enough to say that our sex life has stayed great, minus some patches here and there, there's always room for improvement. The plan, to focus the extra energy and high libido on orgasms, more frequent trysts, and overall personal attention. 

I mean, babies are awesome. They are so the new black and I just love them to death. I may even have another in a couple of years. But really, when was the last time I got to focus on getting laid (with my husband of course). We have 2 small kids and laid can get lost in that equation. You have to rush or you have to be quiet or you feel like a cow so don't want it at all. 

Screw it, I'm going to give my body want it really wants, the action it had with Mr. Rant in it's early 20s. Ok, maybe there won't be the middle of the night poke as we normally have a kid in the bed. The first thing in the morning may also be lost because of innocent eyes wandering the apartment. 

We do have to draw the line somewhere people. 

But there will be afternoons, nighttime, and if at all possible the fabulous double feature! 

What do you do to keep your sex life fresh?

Hot Brazilians for your Friday!

Iodeyo Mayami, Garota de Ipanema, 1966

It's Friday. We're headed to the weekend. I figure, why start your mini-break with a little eye candy. Everyone loves some eye candy and Brazil happens to be a factory that makes it!

Henri Castelli, The future Father of my illegitimate child

For the Men: Juliana Paes

HAPPY FRIDAY!

Confessional: I have Baby Fever!

Baby fever hit me yesterday. While it may not come as a shock to close friends and family (all who say I have another one in me), it's a shock to me!

It happened when my 4 year old said he wanted his own baby. I thought he literally meant his own. He meant for me to have one and thus it would be his. He said, and I quote "If I had my own baby I would be able to touch, cuddle, and kiss him whenever I want." Back story: A friend of ours has a 3 month old whom he's obsessed with.

Seriously, that would be enough to light the fire for most Moms. And it did get me thinking. My boys are growing fast, I'm a young Mom, I'm never going to get to sleep again, and I have no money. Having a baby would only continue the ongoing trend.

Problem is that I live in Rio de Janeiro. I've always imagined 3 children being hell here. Let's be honest, my "large" apartment is tiny once you add children, private schools cost a small fortune, and general kiddie keep up costs are double the norm down here.

None the less, I'm imagining a huge belly, unsafe sex with my husband, and long nights breastfeeding paired with early mornings with preschoolers.

I have officially gone mad!

Don't get all scared for me just yet. I am hormonal this week. I also suffer from phases of baby wanting, although this is the strongest yet.

But it just isn't practical.

Well neither is marrying a man you've lived with for 2 months, moving to Rio de Janeiro with him, and taking up blogging. Oh baby, the cards are really stacked up on both sides aren't they.

Obviously though, I need my husband to support this. While he may, out of general man-weakness, agree to let me siphon out the goods and do it myself, I really don't think he'd consciously support this baby idea.

What the hell am I thinking anyway?! I'm on the verge of parental freedom! My youngest is out of diapers and entering pre-schoolerhood in the next year. My oldest already knows I'm far less cool than everyone else. I'm almost semi-interdependent.

What do you think? Is baby #3 a crash and burn idea or just another part of life in the fast lane? Should I go for freedom or add another couple of years to my life-sentence?

4 Million More Women in Brazil than Men!

Photo by: http://www.moxiebird.com

The Brazil 2010 census is out people and it gave this Ranter some very important information!

There are 4 million more women than men in the country of Brazil! As for the state of Rio de Janeiro, there are 1 million more!

Houston we have a serious problem.

People say that Brazilian men cheat and can be chauvinistic.  Well wouldn't you be if you were the one in short supply and high demand. Hello, it's basic sexual/relationship economics. There are just far too many tacos to fill people.

Luckily for all of us I have the solutions to our problem. Yes, solutions because something as dire as this can not be fixed easily.

For starters, Brazilian men have got to stop bringing in foreign women. I know I fall under that umbrella but I have popped out 2 additional Brazilian men. I feel that they could possibly make up for my husband's actions.

Next we women have to start working Brazil in 2 year shifts. I will make a call to the US, Canadian, and British consulates and explain our situation.  We will divide ourselves into 3 groups and every 2 years you are required to travel for 2 years. Think of it as keeping the population new and fresh.

As for an effort to fix the problem, not just treat the symptoms of it, we are going to start a lesbian movement. Lesbians of Brazil it's time to step up your game. We women confuse easily, use it to your advantage and take one for the team.

Mr. Rant was kind enough to off another suggestion, that's what husbands are for after all. He suggests polygamy under the understanding that there must be an amiable relationship among the wives. While I appreciate his effort to help, I don't really think the women of Brazil can pull this one off.  Let's just say that there's an alpha dog situation among a woman and her maid, what the hell is going to happen with another wife?!

Lastly, and most drastically, the importation of men. I think this could be a big money maker for the right company but they have to work on their angle. Women in Brazil expect certain qualities in their men. To make things easier for these future business people, please refer to the chart on this post: Yes I'm Writing About Penises

This is going to be a group project people! If one of us drops the ball, everyone drops the ball. And I know that all of you want to hold the ball but please just wait your turn and you'll get your chance. We have a shortage on our hands! 

Are you Annoying or Am I PMSing?

The world was out to irritate me today. I have no idea why everyone and everything decided to be so annoying. Obviously I was the only consistent factor in the steady stream of annoyances but that's not significant.

No no, I'm bright and chipper today. It's that special time of the month where women are extra kind and sexier. I'm just feeling the love.

Before you go and scream Too Much Info, it's kind of obvious that I menstruate. I mean, I am a woman and have procreated twice. No virgin Mother here. The machine is working 100%.

Per protocol, I woke up and announced the arrival of Mr. Rant's archenemy. I'm a fair wife and like to give him a fighting chance.

So it came as a huge surprise that Mr. Rant decided to be short with me today of all days. I mean, I have to be semi-pleasant 3 whole weeks a month. Today semi was off the table.

And that is when close quarters and an overly friendly culture get to me. You see, the first day of this special week I'm 110% American. I need space, silence, people not to say hello to me on the street, and to overeat without being asked if I'm pregnant.

Really, is it so much for a woman to ask for a full day to be a complete snatch, eat their significant other out of house and home, and then to make them watch a chick flick while complaining about the type of pizza that she herself ordered?! 

Blast from the Past: My Favorite Rants

Unfortunately I have the organizational skills of a prepubescent boy. I am sure you guys can all tell by the fabulous organization of my billions of blog posts.

So I figured that I'd be a total narcissistic and assume that you would like me to point out some of my favorite posts.

By the way, I have heard that when you assume you make an ass out of you and me. I guess that makes us all asses! At least I'm not alone.

Without further ado, some of my favorite rants (in no particular order):

Neurosis of Carioca

Are You Calling Me Fat and Other Handy tools

Yes I'm Writing About Penises

Great Grandmother

Breakdown of the Brazilian Family

The Brazilian Family Lunch

Coffee Realizations

Which ones are your favorite?

Is Facebook Ruining Relationships?

While reading the Brazilian Magazine Criativa, I stumbled upon an article called "Facebook and Sex: A new Etiquette for Romantic Relationships."

One thing came to mind: Awesome! Not only has Facebook made it uncomfortably convenient for all of us to have easy access to those people we may want to forget, it's also allowing love to screw with our heads much more efficiently.

You have all  seen at least one facebook couple fight. No easier way to get gossip flowing than by changing your relationship status. Married to it's complicated or in a relationship to engaged. The best being the complete removal of relationship status all together.

Go ahead, make your high school sweetheart's sister wonder if you are still with your husband. Make a comment on a picture and see if your old neighbor's cousin's wife questions the sexual history between the two. Let's rock the boat a bit.

And apparently Facebook brings out affairs! The Criativa article and the AAML site state these statistics:

 "An overwhelming 81% of the nation’s top divorce attorneys say they have seen an increase in the number of cases using social networking evidence during the past five years, according to a recent survey of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers (AAML).   Facebook holds the distinction of being the unrivaled leader for online divorce evidence with 66% citing it as the primary source."

Way to raise the bar Facebook! Apparently people cheating on their spouses are even easier to catch with this wonderful social network.  In Brazil, I could totally see people accessing their facebook while on a tryst and accidntly checking in: So and So was at Love Time Motel April 24th at 3pm. Oops. 

It's just a matter of time people. If you would kindly refer back to my post on how 70% of Brazilian men cheat, the odds are not with us! Keep track of the relationship statuses of your friends people.

Sadly though, I'm a train wreck kind of girl. I find so much humor in these online back and forths. The status changes, arguing on posts, and/or comments made on a 3rd party's picture of someone else's lover. It's like listening to the neighbor's lovers spat but at your own convenience and with pictures.

I have to say, as the rest of the world starts sharing as much as I do on Facebook, skeletons are leaving closets and creating their own profiles. While high in entertainment factor, this does not always work for the greater good. 

What do you think, are we giving Facebook too much credit or is it taking away the essential mystery in relationships?

In Love With A Brazilian - Q & A

Question: My name is Sass, I am American and I am living in Brazil--my contact with Brazilians in the US and Brazilian culture is vast but over a year ago I fell hard for a guy, in a similar situation as you, unexepectedly and at a bar.  I had to leave the country in order to graduate and everything, and we swore to each other we would wait for each other.  He's from Rio Grande do Sul.  I moved back to Brazil on my toursit visa, but am living in São Paulo--we have decided that we do want to be together more than anything else, and are trying to resolve how to do this--we want to be married.  


I'm sure you know how hard it is for a foreigner to get married in Brazil, but we have 90 days to figure this out.  I am 23, and although I always said I would wait for a while to get married, I'm sure this is right-- I wanted to know: do you feel like you got married young?  You said your family was very supportive-- I'm sure mine will not be, they have high expectations of my and my career etc'--but how is it between you and your family, you being here in Brazil and them being in the States--how often do you see them, what sort of compromises are to be made.  and perhaps any other opinions, advice you could give me...

Have a wonderful day in the marvelous city, I dream of being on a beach right now.


Answer: This is a hard one, I will say. I did marry Mr. Rant at 23 years old and only knowing him 5 months (physically being with him for about 2.5 of those months).  My family was supportive. I don't know if they thought it would last but at least they didn't say they didn't. My husband's family was also supportive. That I find crazy seeing that they had never met me and knew that I didn't speak a word of their language.  Talk about having faith in the decisions of their son! 

In the end, this is your life. You make the decisions and you live with the consequences. Of course the beauty of a family is that they have a tendency to absorb a bit of the responsibility if they are supportive.  It is a bitch to get married in Brazil. If you did not get your US documents certified at the Brazilian consulate before you came, you have to get them translated and made official here.  That takes time and money. I know that you at least need your birth certificate and a document with your parents' names on it.  Then you'll need to go to the US consulate and get a little paper that says you are able to get married, ie. aren't already in the US. They give it to you the same day, which is nice. Once you get all your documents and manage to put them in to be processed at the Catorio (the government place that does this kind of thing), you have to wait 30 days with your name in this national paper. This is so anyone who knows something on you or is married to you can check and come tell on you. Like anyone reads it! Anyway, you may or may not have to pick up a copy of this paper and bring it to get married. I'm not sure, it's been 7 years since I did the whole process. 

Since you are young, and if you go back, you could get your University degree certified at the consulate and use that to try to get into a program in Brazil. Or, if you don't manage to get married in 90 days and your family freaks out, you could compromise by signing up for a study abroad in Brazil. 

I do not recommend doing what I did and coming down and teaching English right away. It's more likely you'll stick to that and not look into other options. Have a frank talk with your family, tell them you are getting married regardless, but ask for their support. With a little money you can get a great Portuguese tutor and work on your language skills. There are wonderful masters and PhD programs down her and I know many foreigners who have gone this route and now have successful careers.  

As for visits from my family, that only started when I had children. I went up there before that, partially because we could fly for cheap due to Mr. Rant's Aunt working for Varig. Now we try to go every year to 1.5 years. I doubt it'll happen this next year but that's ok. My parents also come once a year so we see each other quite often considering.  Grandkids are great ways to get Grandparents to travel. FYI - I recommend waiting AT LEAST 3 years before babies.  Get the rhythm of marriage first. 

As for me, I do feel I married young. I compromised a part of youth.  But if this is right, and he is a good partner, it is not a bad compromise. Just because you are married doesn't mean you become old.  On the other hand, it does mean that you have another person who's opinion you have to take into account when making your decisions. It stops being about what is right for you and becomes what is right for us. That in and of itself does make you grow up a bit.  Marriage takes a lot of patience, and one in which you haven't been dating in the tradition sense needs even more. Marrying and moving in together means you'll be really getting to know each other quickly. And I know you know him but until you live with someone, do you ever really know them?  So there will be some arguing but that is ok. It happens in relationships. And there will be miscommunication. Mr. Rant was fluent when we met and we still had some issues. Some things in Portuguese are not that offensive but they sure are when you translate them to English and vice versa! We'd have to stop and explain what the phrase the other person said meant to us and see if that was really what they were going for. Tough thing to do mid-battle.  

Overall, love is a powerful thing. Can get you through everything. Just be prepared, especially if you are going down this path sans the family, that there will be tough moments. But if life is just better with him in it, it'll never be that bad.  

Personally, I am very happy with my decision! I could not imagine my life ever being this full if I hadn't taken a jump into the unknown at such a young age. Nay sayers will be there regardless of the decisions you make. So put on some thick skin and choose what's best for you. Isn't that what growing up is all about? 

What would you all add? 

Real Romance

Let's face it, love has it's ups and downs.  This goes double for those of us who "make it" in marriages.  It really isn't a surprise because people are freaking annoying.  We all are!  And this can go threefold in cross cultural relationships. Just as Mr. Rant.

So I thought I'd write a little ditty about what I think romance is. I'm sorry folks, there are no roses or candles in my romance.

Mr. Rant, this bad boy is dedicated to you!

* Taking out the trash because you know I hate it more than you.

* Waking up with the kids, even if it's your day to sleep in, because you know I am exhausted.

* Encouraging nights out with my girls. It makes both me and you saner.

* Picking up a bottle of wine on the way home. Not because I asked but because you could hear it in my voice... or screams.

* Making sure my favorite series are recorded, even if it's (gasp) Grey's Anatomy. Which I'm over by the way. Totally jumped the shark.

* Eating the same flavor pizza every time we order from Dominos. I can't help it, I love Catuperoni! Pepperoni and Catupiry cheese. If you don't know what this is, time to educate yourself.

* Telling me that I didn't need to worry about losing the baby weight when I really did. We talked about it after said weight was lost. He got a bit scared for a minute. I looked at pictures. He had a right to be!

* Sleeping with the bedroom door open with the night light even though it annoys him. I want the kids to be able to find us...

* Encouraging me to blog, even though I write about him or his family half the time.

* Liking me "fuller" than I was when we married.  Apparently, before I was too skinny.

* Laughing with me mid-fight because, let's be honest, we were both being ridiculous.

What is "real" romance to you?

This post is dedicated to the Tweets: @Mrsmakeaway and @ambzboogie

What Carioca Women Like?

Mr. Rant and I were joking around about our little city of love here in Rio de Janeiro. I mean, let's just be honest, no single person comes to Rio de Janeiro and doesn't hope to get laid.

So we came up with the perfect tourism logo for the citizens of Rio de Janeiro: Take one for the Team.  Are you single? Brazilian? Enjoy sex? Well, take one for the team. If you meat (pun intended) a lonely tourist cruising the streets in search of love, provide it.

Now the funny part is that I said that they already do. One thing Brazilians give out readily is the lovin'. My husband disagreed. As he put it, I'm a woman. I can/will find that kind of attention anywhere in the world.  And you know, I see his point.

Carioca women are not always the easiest creatures to get into a horizontal position, that is unless you are on the beach and they feel their ass is a bit white for summer.

What to do? Honestly, I can't tell you. I'm sure Mr. Rant has a few tips but, shockingly, he's hesitant to share them with his gringa wife.

This all came up after I told my husband about running into some single American men. No offense to the men of my country, but sometimes you lack a little of a thing I like to call "smooth game."  These 2 men had only managed to make out with women.

Considering it was Carnaval, that's like shaking hands any other time of the year. Kisses are exchanged like beer for money or urine to the toilet during that holiday.  And that can be confusing to some bright-eyed and bushy tailed tourists.

So my question is to those who know, what does the Carioca woman like? What qualities are attractive? What aren't?

Vaginas, Brazilian Waxes, and a Thing they Call Feminism

I've been reading a lot about Vaginas these days. Let's just blame Facebook and Vagina enthusiasts.

Acutally, it all started with a piece about vaginoplasty. Some crazy thing where women go to get their Vages all cut up and made "normal." Personally, I don't find this shocking at all as we live in a culture that wants to physical perfect everything. It was only a matter of time until the Vag became the next victim of the endless search for perfection and the use of material/physical means to give emotional satisfaction.

What I found shocking was the blatant attack against the Brazilian Bikini wax! I mean, sure we all like to find scape goats but leave my wax alone! Take this for example:

"And so it is that for a woman, to Brazilian wax or not to Brazilian wax becomes a feminist question. “If you wax, you pull [feminism] out by the roots, and therefore you’re no longer a feminist and you have to turn in your Feminist Membership Card,” one blogger wrote on Feministe.us."

Sorry to disappoint you but my feminism is not located in my pubic hair, nor am I making a statement by getting my anus waxed. And it gets worse.

“That leads to the key point any feminist -- card-carrying or otherwise -- must consider when deciding whether waxing is for her: For every Brazilian you get, another woman might feel more pressured to do so. Symbolically speaking, you’re not alone on that salon table, with your ankles up around your ears as you exhale with each rip of the wax strip. And that takes sisterhood to a whole new level. That’s what makes waxing such a slippery-slope of a feminist question -- it’s never going to be a feminist act, but, should you decide to get one, you need to ask yourself some tough questions to make your salon visit at least a little kinder to the sisterhood.”

Now I'm really going to call BULLSHIT on this one! Be kinder to sisterhood? Why doesn't sisterhood go take a nap and give this girl a little break. When did my Vagina become your billboard for your feminism? It's my vagina and so what if she prefers to sport a runway style. Do I give you crap if you wear old birkenstocks and armpit hair? No. To each their own.

As for the wax, personally, I do it for myself. Sure, Mr. Rant is now accustomed to a tamed bush but he would never say anything if I went retro, and I have.  I like a good Brazilian wax. It allows my Vag to freely breath, letting in the open air. I feel I'm giving her a skylight to the world.

And why does getting a wax have to be considered removing your femininity?  I feel it's quite the opposite. It's putting your femininity right out onto the table. I dare you to start comparing vaginas and you'll see a whole lot more on a waxed one, that's for sure.

So leave my Brazilian wax alone and figure something else to overly analyse and use as an excuse for shocking things happening in the world. If we keep this up, Brazilian waxes could be blamed for Afghanistan and there'd be no turning back then.

My standpoint, get it waxed and show the girl off!

As for vaginoplasty, I will let that one stand on it's own.  I can't imagine feeling such disgust for my Vaggie Girl that I would want to get her cut up.  I bet those women are coming from an interesting place and I ask you to not negate their feelings about their Vaginas by blaming society for their decisions.

On a side note, check this documentary on the search for the perfect vagina when you have a chance. It's very interesting, sad, and shocking at the same time. The Perfect Vagina 

What is Cheating?

What is cheating to you?  Watching the Golden Globes, I started thinking.  Take Eva Longoria.  Rumor is that her husband had partaken in hundreds of suggestive texts with another woman.  Apparently, nothing more happened.

So would that do it for you?  Is texting cheating?  The line is a difficult one to define and yet very easy to cross these days.  Things like Twitter, Facebook, and such, give us plenty of avenues to dip toes into different waters.  Innocent emails can easily turn questionable and bump people into an interesting situation, to say the least.

I talked about my stance a bit in my post about how 70% of Brazilian men supposedly cheat (see post here.)  I'm kind of a don't-tell-me-and-live-with-the-guilt-or-I'll-have-to-leave-you kind of girl.  But it's hard to judge until in the situation. And this kind of thing, with the texting, chatting, and messengering, has to have a different approach. 

I personally believe in time outs, taking away of privileges such as tv and internet, and/or guilt tripping. Underlying rule, it must stop.  Wow, sounds like I'm a Mother of a toddler...

That being said, I haven't really been in this situation before. No questionable texting or anything.  I have gotten cranky on Mr. Rant's ass about Facebook friendships with unknown women.  It was nothing, so the story goes. Damn Mafia game.  I do buy it though.

I also believe it's a fine line and better to mind the gap in the first place, as they say on the metro.  Why risk falling in when there's so much safe ground to stand on?

But everyone is different, so I ask, where do you stand?  What is your deal breaker?  Texting? Carrier pigeons?  Morse code?

What would make you bitch slap your significant other and walk out that door?