Top 10 Things Husbands and Wives Want

About.com has a list of the Top 10 things Men want from their wives and vice versa. I thought that it would be fun to compare this list.


Men:
1. Believe in his capabilities
2. Understanding
3. Affirmation of his Accomplishments
4. Acceptance
5. Less Chatter
6. Affection
7. Respect
8. Free Time
9. Trust
10. To be a Companion

I'm sorry but I looked at this list and wavered between preschooler and dog. If I had to convert all 10 items into two sentences and one word it would be: "Yes, it was a very good presentation but the game just started. Can I have a kiss and we will talk about this later? Thanks."

Of course the women's list isn't much better:


Women:
1. Telling her daily that she is Loved
2. Understanding and Forgiveness
3. Conversation
4. Willingness to make time for her and your children
5. Saying 'yes' more than saying 'no'
6. Listening well
7. Affection and Kindness
8. Sharing Household and Child Rearing Responsibilites
9. A Day Off Now and Then
10. Commitement to Take Care of Yourself Both Physically and Emotionally

First of all, reading this kind of makes me feel like my husband's bitch. Say yes more than no? Why does he get the deciding word? And forgiveness for what? About.com explained #2 like this:

There will be days when your wife will make mistakes or when she will be difficult to be around. No one is perfect. She both wants and deserves your willingness to understand and forgive her. Remember that no relationship can be sustained without forgiveness.


What? I'm sorry but we're counting mistakes now? Oh shoot, the dishes have spots. Mommy has to go sit in time out. Daddy won't you please forgive her. Yeah, I don't think so. I'll take the understanding part but not forgiveness because if I am being difficult to be around something tells me that you may have a part in that (minus give or take 6 days out of the month or when I'm on the pill.)

Here is my list for Mr. Rant:

1. For you to go back in time and remember your "moves" and use them on me again. I obviously thought they were hot. Of course you still are hot but didn't you do things that made me turn on in a second or was I just easy? On second thought don't answer that.
2. To come home early and declare that you are making us dinner. FYI, it needs to be something both the kids and I will eat and that does not require a trip to the store.
3. For him to chat with me in bed before we go to sleep. I heart pillow talk. It is a Mr. Rant pet peeve as it is time to sleep and if we were going to talk it should have been before we went to bed. Things pop into my head when I lay down and I like to chat about them. See the issue.
4. To be told I'm gorgeous, sexy, and awesome. Ok, he told me I was gorgeous the other day, kind of as a joke, but it totally still counted.  Hey Mr. Rant, would love it if you did it again!
5. For him to bring up a cute, funny, or random memory from our past. It's cool to hear our history from your point of view.

Ok, I can only come up with 5. I have it pretty damn good. But if I had to make up 5 for Mr. Rant they would be:

1. To Insist on Sex Constantly. For some reason after a long stretch of marriage men get a bit lazy to put on the real moves. I'm sure that he would be stoked if I just stripped down and asked "would you please take me?"
2. Took Up Cooking as a Hobby: Mr. Rant likes to eat and although I am doing pretty damn well in the cooking department I still can't even hold up a burnt piece of newspaper up to his mother, much less a candle.
3. Anal-retentive Cleanliness: Mr. Rant is so very Carioca in that nothing from outside should ever enter inside. In his ideal world we would change out of "street clothes" before even sitting on the couch. I like to run around Rio de Janeiro in flip flops and thus am constantly filing my feet to get the soot off. I drive him insane this way.
4. Be into Botafogo: Mr. Rant is mellow in that he wouldn't demand that I watch all soccer games with him but I know that he would love me to sit and watch Botafogo games. I used to watch in that early part of our relationship. Of course I used to just nap on his chest...
5. Take on more of the Bureaucratic responsibilitiess of the household. I like to blame being a foreigner and not speaking perfect Portuguese but we both know it's pure laziness. Dude, it's just a bitch to fumble your way through that muck of government. He knows his way through. It's so much easier for him. Of course that whole having a full-time job thing sometimes makes it difficult to wait an hour for a piece of paperwork. We all have our crosses to bear.

What do you want from your partner? Do you agree with the about.com lists?

Do the Dishes and Get Laid

A new study shows that women find their husbands more sexually attractive if they help around the house. Dr. John Gottman scored massive points with his wife the day he published that paper of gold!

I for one am instantly more attracted to Mr. Rant when he helps out around the house. (Mr. Rant, are you reading this?)

Honestly, I have moments where if I see one more dirty dish I feel like throwing them all out the window. Don't even get me started on food preparations, laundry, mopping, putting away toys after the kids put away toys, de-urinizing of the bathroom and so on and so forth.

This may even go double for Brazilian men. By cultural nature, the Brazilian man is quite spoiled. They are not used to helping around the house, with meal prep, nor with children. Don't get me wrong, the ones I know aren't getting drunk at the dive bar at 10am or anything like that. No, they are just are a part of a culture where many homes have maids and what the maid doesn't do the woman of the house does. Seeing that there is help, the other stuff isn't that big of a deal.

At the same time, Mr. Rant doing the dishes or hanging the laundry is a total turn on. For starters, he isn't doing it for himself. In his world his boxers fold themselves and walk right into his drawer. When Mr. Rant washes dishes or does anything else in the house he is basically doing it so I won't have to. He is coming in and taking a bit of the load off.

That my friends is freaking hot! There is a lot bigger chance of me being down to get down if I'm not feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, or pissed off. Hell, if you do all of the housework I may even throw in a costume.

The thing is that men do not understand that the household work can sometimes sit on us like a constant hangover. The moment you are ready to relax you remember that there is a load of laundry in the washer or that the kids will be hungry soon.  As they have yet to master the culinary arts that too is your problem.

Personally, the day I come home to find the house clean, kids bathed, dishes washed, and dinner done I'm going to throw Mr. Rant onto the dining room table and take him. Of course that will totally traumatize the boys but when I explain it to their future spouses they will completely understand!

Who does the chores in your house? Does your spouse helping out make him/her appear more attractive?

On a side note, here's another interesting article about housework and sex: CNN: Housework and Sex

Questionable Internet Behavior?

Mr. Rant and I had a chat this evening over questionable internet behavior. The thing about internet is that it leaves access to gray areas that could or could not be questionable depending on the relationship of the person.

That then goes directly into the "privacy" aspect of internet and relationship. What can a partner read and question without getting the response of "Did you go into my account?" Is it ok for a spouse to enter your account? Is it ok to do questionable things under the umbrella understanding that one won't use the known password and check on the other?

I have always felt that, seeing Mr. Rant has all my passwords, he will one day check up on things. Personally, I call it healthy curiosity instead of prying. But let's be honest, we all like to pry. We want to know the dirty secrets of the person we are with, even though the person we are with isn't supposed to have any dirty secrets.

At the same time, how boring is it to not! My solution, to have dirty secrets with the one you are with! Oh the ideal world I live in.

In all honesty though, it comes down to perspective. And in the internet society we live in we have to have perspective. I'm sorry but at one point or another your significant other is going to either 1. download more porn than you are comfortable with 2. overly compliment someone else to a point that you are not comfortable with 3. have internet sex or 4. try internet bestiality (sheep are getting crazy smart these days).

So where is the line? Is it password use or activity? Is it communication over lack there of? How much contact are you comfortable with you spouse having? 

Mother-in-Law: Rule of Threes

Brazilian Mother-in-Laws are a form of art. You need to approach them with delicacy, respect, and knowledge. No, you can not expect them to just fall in love with you, especially if you are female. You have to earn it.

The best tip I have ever received about my relationship with my Mother-in-Law came from an Aunt of my husband. People, prepare yourself because this is gold.

It is the rule of 3. You always insist 3 times. I'm sure I've mentioned this before but it is so important that I will mention it again. 

Now the rule of three is in relationship to activities with her. I will give you an example that happened just last night in my very own home. 

Mr. Rant and I had been planning to have a date night. This is a rare occurrence in my home as I don't have a full time maid who babysits and have yet to find a babysitter I trust outside of direct family members. Yes, I can be that anal. 

Anyway, my Mother-in-Law had offered to babysit, tonight actually, and we were supposed to go out. So when Mr. Rant mentioned that his Mother was upset about missing out on lunch with him and that he would like to take her out one evening to make it up to her, I knew where it was going. Of course the only possible evening in the foreseeable future was tonight. 

Given my interesting past with my Mother-in-Law, I have a lot of respect for our now good relationship and have an understanding of what makes her happy. If you think a happy wife equals a happy life than a happy Mother-in-Law gets your name on the list at the doorway to heaven. 

We both brought it up to her and she put her foot down saying "No no, I am babysitting for you tomorrow night."

Rule of 3 people. 

My rebuttal: "No no, you and Mr. Rant NEVER get any quality time. We can go out another night."

Her rebuttal: "No no, you and Mr. Rant never get to go out."

Me again: "Ah, I get to see him every day. We cuddle every night after the kids are in bed. But I'll let you babysit another day."

Her rebuttal... oh wait, there wasn't one. See, I've gotten so good at this point that I'm down to 2! Of course I did mention it to her again today and confirmed with Mr. Rant. Somewhere along the line it became my job to make sure it actually goes down as she never wants to put us out even though she does in fact want some time with her boy. Amazingly her son has yet to figure this out. You'd think he'd speak fluent woman after growing up in a culture like this.

And while some of you may say this is all immature and where is the direct communication, I will merely respond with "so you don't have Brazilian family, do you?"  It's a fact of life and when it comes to your Brazilian Mother-in-Law it is worth it!

Your Brazilian Mother-in-Law is the force in the life around you, like it or not. She cares for your family more than you could possibly understand and if that caring means she has to take you out, she will. Of course only in the name of what is best for your family. 

Keep in mind though, once you start to understand each other there is no better ally. She will have your back better than Captain America and the Hulk combined. Not to mention if a certain husband will not listen to your sound advice, Mother-in-Law will make it happen. 

It really is an amazing thing to watch, especially with mine who is so tiny she could just fit in my pocket. She's a pocket sized Mother-in-Law, conveniently sized to take anywhere.

What Golden Mother-in-Law advice do you have to share?

Crushes, Divorce, and Regret

The Little Hen House, an awesome Mommy blog, posted something that caught my eye: 70% of people who divorce regret it within a year later .

The entire post was about a married woman's crush on someone other than her spouse and how to handle it. The post touched home because I am a little crush magnet. I constantly have crushes. I just can't help it! Apparently I am 12 going on 31. If only they made a movie about that.

The best part of the post was the how it is "normal" part. Honestly, I have always found it normal! Marriage was created as a means to secure property. You can thank an ex for that fact, but it is true. Just marry a Brazilian man and you will see that the potential-other-hot-partners observational skills do not die after marriage. They still see them and they feel far less responsibility to hide that fact than us North American/Europeans.

The things is that just because you are married doesn't mean that you will not notice others whom you would want to "mate" with if you were single. It doesn't meant that at all! What marriage means is that you'll not hook up with them in spite of the attraction. Oh yes, the hook up potential is still there, it's just not worth what you would have to give up.

Personally, I take that as a far bigger compliment. Find ladies attractive. Wonder if I would be willing to do what you hear they do. Whatever you need to do to get through your day. What is essential is that you find your relationship with me more important than any other curiosity that may cross your path.  There really isn't anything more complimentary than that. It's a big old "You rock my world so much that I am going to make a constant effort to be with you, even though I really hate how you leave your bras hanging off the doorknobs in the bathroom!" Not that I do that or anything...

The point is, crushes are awesome because they demand nothing more than our imagination and they are ok as long as they stay that way. Crush on people! It's a great way to feel a bit naughty without actually being it!

So tell me, do you have a crush? 

Brazil's Perfect Polygamist Relationship!

Photo from the movie The Maid

I've been sticking my toes into the topic of polygamy quite a lot these days. It all started out as a joke on Twitter. Though like any puddle, the source of that water is much larger and pretty damn deep.

So when I stumbled upon an article about a lawsuit by a feminist polygamist, my ears started itching. What is this about? Turns out that she is fighting for her right to have the relationship she wants. She doesn't want legal status or right to property, she just wants the government to stay out of her business.

Obviously my mind then switched to Brazilian women and their maids. You don't see the connection? Let me point it out for you. It is the perfect non-sexual polygamist relationship!

Seriously! Take any married Brazilian woman who has kids and a full time maid. That maid runs the house for her, helps raise her children, and does all the shopping. The two women also bicker. Yes, the maid and the woman of the house will exchange words occasionally, the maid will totally undermine the Mother in front of the children if she feels it's necessary, and the Mother will generally accept it. They are two wives living together!

But why does it work?:

1. The maid doesn't get to sleep with the husband (at least that the wife knows of) but she does have to babysit the children.
2. The wife does not have to share the household income, only the allotted salary that was agreed upon.
3. You have two women who have learned to co-exist due to their own personal needs. This is a key point in any polygamist relationship.
4. You can add another maid without pissing anyone off! Most likely everyone will just be happier with the additional help.
5. No long skirts, poofed hair, or generally ugly garbs unless worn by personal preference.
6. Everyone is of legal age.
7. You can use birth control and only have to provide it for one person.
8. Equality is not an issue. Remember the maid's bathroom post?
9. If the relationship does sour, you can always look for a new sister/maid/wife.
10. It is culturally acceptable. 

The Brazilian Marriage

Marriage in Brazil is an interesting thing. No, I'm not saying we are exchanging partners down here or anything like that, except that is exactly what is happening.

For a Catholic country, the new generation is surprisingly open to separating from spouses and trying to find new ones. Of course, that's if they are officially spouses in the first place. As I explained to a foreigner friend, Brazilians (at least Cariocas) feel no pressure to marry. Living together is marriage enough.

These observations of mine were confirmed in the latest issue of Istoé. Apparently the number of marriages in Brazil has gone up 28%, separations have increased by 43%s and the total number of remarriages has doubled  from 65,000 to 136,000 between the years 2000 and 2009.

So down here we are breaking up, making out, and remarrying! It kind of suits the culture, don't you think? I will say it's better than the old days of just cheating on your wife/husband. Of course the Sex Motel industry may be feeling it. Who am I kidding? If there is anything a Brazilian loves more than falling in love, it's having sex!

And that is exactly what it is. Brazilians love to fall in love (and have sex). Even the Playboys who are just trying to get laid get a kick out of that special someone who keeps them guessing. If that happens, they just may take the plunge and move in with them. Should that work out, they could quite possibly marry them after a few years. Or not.

Many of my closest Brazilian friends wear the rings but don't have the papers. Not to mention that quite of few of them are on their second or third "marriages." I say "marriages" because most of them weren't actually married but just living together. Down here people don't play semantics with relationships. If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and lives with you then you are married to the freaking duck.

What do you think? Is living with someone the same thing as marriage? Should separations and remarrying be so socially acceptable?

How Mr. Rant Got Me

The early days

I've been thinking about doing this post for a while, an inspiration from fellow expat/Mommy blogger Stay at HomeBabe. An email from Mr. Rant during our long distant courtship. I figure, 4th of July is the perfect day! He is the reason why I'm missing it anyway (which does not bother me 363 days out of the year)  

Mr. Rant and I spent 3 months in long distant limbo, not quite knowing if we were going to be able to meet again or not. Here's the original email he sent to let me know he was coming to San Diego:


hey!
first, a random question, did your parents liked the
statue? how did your mom reacted?


second, wait for me in a month or less, i spoke to the
girl and they selected someone else to the job, she
said they found somebody with very good experience on
the third sector, that is non-profit orgs...


so i take that as a sign in our behalf.


wait for me!


i will see what or how i can do to get my brasilian
skinny butt over there.


gotta go and talk about this with my parents.


love
daniel


Btw, the statue he is referring to is a lladro my Father asked me to get for my Mother while in Spain. Daniel helped me pick it out.

The Pneumothorax and cigarettes

My husband once had a spontaneous pneumothorax. For you layman's (as I was before the experience) that means his lung spontaneously collapsed.

The amazing part of the whole ordeal, because it was an ordeal, was we didn't realize right away. You'd think if one of your lungs collapsed you'd know. Well, we were busy moving. He felt like he was having a heart attack but that passed. The pain subsided but he was still short of breath. No biggie. Our son's 3rd birthday party was later that day. Had to keep moving. Death does not come before the 3rd birthday, at least not if you don't know it.

I tried to make my husband feel better. I assured him it wasn't heart attack. At least I was right about that. I put vicks on his feet like his Mother always does and gave him Mylanta. Yes, I gave my husband with a collapsed lung Mylanta. I am, and forever will be, a bitch!

Honestly, I thought he was being a whiny wuss. I was 5 months pregnant with our second, moved to a new apartment with only the aide of my Mother, was raising a 2 year old, and he was complaining. We were all exhausted. In my defense, he never said he was short of breath. Never. That is a BIG red flag.

So 2 days went by and he woke up on Monday with a fever of 40 degrees C (104 F). Mr. Rant never has a fever and even if he did, that was high for 7am! I told him he was going to the hospital, all this was too weird and this fever was not ok. He insisted on going to work.

What would any woman married to a stubborn Brazilian man do? Call their Mother! I so called his Mother. She drove in, with his Father, from the country to take him to the hospital. Of course it was around lunch when they arrived and there's a hospital close to my place, so you can guess what happened. They walked to lunch, ate, and then walked to the hospital. Imagine everyone's surprised when he was immediately admitted and an emergency procedure had to be done.

Turned out, that day he felt like he was having a heart attack, his lung had collapsed. It had been collapsed so long that he developed bacterial pneumonia. His collapsed lung was also compromising his good lung and it was, at the time he went to the hospital, about to collapse. I was told if he had not gone to the hospital, he would have died in bed next to me that night.

What a lovely picture. I had a 2 hr long contraction after that news. Especially because the way the doctor told me was by slicing his finger over his neck and making a dead face. Talk about a special kind of bedside manner.

So what saved him in all this? How did he last so long, especially being so active?  He has never smoked. His lungs are strong and healthy, besides the whole collapsing thing.

While I quit smoking during my pregnancies, I returned later. I consoled myself with the fact that I didn't smoke around my kids. But after this happened, my view of smoking changed. It became realistic. Of course that wasn't quite enough. I still love the little nasty bastards.

Then I went to a get together at my friend's place. The other American in the room happened to be a Thoracic Surgeon. Guess what topic we got around to. And guess who put me in my place.  It's really hard to ignore good old medical facts/stories. That combined with my experience with Mr. Rant, I couldn't ignore the importance of the lungs any longer. They are sensitive beasts who will bite back if you don't take care of them.

And while I miss smoking, and love it, I have quite. It's been a week and a day now. No cheating, no sneaking around, no smoking. I think about it often but only really miss it about 4 to 5 times a day. And when I say miss I mean that I have to mentally talk to myself about why I am quitting. Seriously.

It's freaking ridiculous to "need" something like this. That is one of the main things that keeps me going. I shouldn't need it! So here's to 8 days and going strong!!

I'm a Petty Wife

Let me ask you this: If your husband declared in the middle of the night that he was going to go sleep in the other room because he really needed his sleep, would that rub you the wrong way?

You see, the kids had invaded our bed and one youngest of the mini Ranters was in full whine mode. And with all that going on, it was Mr. Rant's statement that woke me up.

The thoughts that went through my head were "What the hell did you just say?!"  "You spoiled freaking brat!" and "Your parents..." I stopped that last one right in it's tracks. Must not blame the parents for Mr. Rant occasional holier or more important than thou attitude. They have nothing to do with the argument. It is not important that every time we see them they say he looks so sleepy and that he should leave the kids with me and take a nap.

Funny enough, Mr. Rant always looks at me at that moment with half hope and half mock. He knows when they say that it annoys the crap out of me. I think he also looks back to make sure I'm not in my pouncing stance ready to take them all out and show them who's really the tired one here! Fyi, they used to say the same thing while I was a nursing Mother with a newborn. "Poor baby, aren't you getting any sleep? Is the baby keeping you up?"

If they had asked me, I could have told them hell no he wasn't being kept up! I had to keep my oldest out of the bed as he was sleeping so damn hard I was worried he'd roll over and take him out.

But jokes on him. After last night's comment, and his full night of sleep, he's on Daddy duty this morning.

That's why when I heard my 2 yr old yell pee pee potty I told Mr. Rant that it was his turn. You see, I knew the tone of that innocent sounding yell and it was not innocent at all, that and he was already too late.

I'm incredibly immature but when I heard his "oh crap!" it made me smile. Just so you know, he wasn't speaking figuratively.

Healthy Women like Girly Men?!

"New research suggests that women from countries with healthier populations prefer more feminine-looking men."

The population of Brazil is going to die off tomorrow! I think I've ran into about 3 feminine-looking Brazilians in my life. But in all seriousness, this is interesting stuff.

We all know about the theory of sexual selection and that you usually try to find the best mate to create a child who is most likely to survive. Apparently this is still in play. Men, you should be honored if a woman accidentally gets pregnant with your baby! Her subconscious must have poked a hole in that condom and demanded that she mate.

And I guess there is something to that. In nations where poor health is more common, women go for a manlier man. Obviously they don't say exactly that, but they will choose a wider-jawed and hairy man over a clean shaven leaner version.

Of course there's a but:

 "Guys who are rated as the most masculine -- a billboard for a man's good genes -- tend to have more       testosterone, and men with higher testosterone levels are 43 percent more likely to get divorced than men with normal levels, 31 percent more likely to split because of marital problems and 38 percent more likely to cheat."

So how far would you go for good genes? There are plenty of ladies who are attracted to the "bad boy." Personally, I don't think high testosterone and being a good mate are mutually exclusive. Mr. Rant is not short on the chest hair (something I find VERY sexy) and isn't a bastard either. Well, not that I'm aware of anyway.

The thing is, maybe this is true in countries where physical health is still suffering, but I think it is different in other parts of the world. As a woman, it is much safer and smarter to choose a well educated man. Hell, I'm going to flat out say it, a nerd. Pick a nerd ladies. They are good guys! They usually have jobs. And they are far less likely to hit you when they are drunk. 

That brings me to another study where it' been proven that relationships are happier when the woman is more attractive than the man. I automatically thought of two things: 1. It's amazing how much money the world is throwing into random research 2. Duh. 

There is just something about a woman on a pedestal. I think we as a sex kind of like it up there. In my humble observations, I have also noticed that men like the women up there. So it makes a hell of a lot of sense that if a woman is feeling loved and adored (and not at risk of losing her mate) and the man still feels lucky to have her, they both will be throwing positive energy back into the whole relationship equation. 

Then again, I didn't think of any of this when I started practice mating with Mr. Rant. I thought that he was hot, we had great conversations, and the feelings were mutual. But there are many people who believe in powers bigger than us, whether it be God or nature. 

I think my readers are the best judge of this whole thing. What do you think? Do we choose, is it fate, or are our pheromones and other bodily functions doing the real talking?

Photo by: http://lagalaxy.theoffside.com/player-news/beckhamwatch/beckham-is-the-manliest-of-manly-men-but-did-they-consider-chabal.html

Logic to Love?

A friend of mine reconnected with her ex. It was the pink elephant in the international chat room every time we exchanged instant messages.

It got me thinking about relationships. There's a part in the whole dating scene that doesn't seem to fit in with marriage.

You see, we are now being taught to see if our habits combine. Is living together annoying?

I didn't have that option. Anyone who has read my 'How I Got Here' tab knows that it was a fast union. But there is a benefit to that. You fall in love with the person, the actual person. You don't get a chance to find out if this or that habit is annoying. There is no separation due to the way one chews food. You are already there.

Obviously, there can be a big backlash from it but if you look at it in the right light, it is brilliant. Let me ask you this, who goes to the restaurant for the appetizers over the main course? You never hear "The truffles and filet minion are amazing but the cheese platter sucks!"

That's what happens when you marry fast in life. I married the main course. Obviously, there are more than a few etcetera that I could do without. I'm sure Mr. Rant would say the same but he is obviously lying because I am as perfect as a Rio de Janeiro summer.

Seriously though, when you meet that someone, the etceteras almost come off as charming at first. They definitely become annoying later but the main course is so rewarding that you let it go.

And that is marriage. It's the thing people just don't talk about it. A lot of a successful marriage is letting things go. You let go ridiculous of the hobbies or stupid collections that annoy you. You let your spouse have that stupidly irresponsible friend that always gets them into a little bit of innocent trouble. Why? Because a part of your spouse needs it.

When you love the base, you get the whole. You realize the flexibility in who a person is. You love them for it because that flexibility is what adapts to the needs you have. You two work together. Did I just say it? Oh yes I did! You become a team.

It took me a long time to learn that. A failed long term relationship and a couple of attempts at getting there showed me my lack of understanding.

That is why, when this friend wouldn't say she was back with the ex, I asked. I asked her about it and I asked if she was happy. I quickly followed that with the fact that I am happy for her. And I am! If she is happy, if this is what she wants, I will be cheering for it 110% of the way.

Unfortunately, the rules of relationships are different these days. The moment it is hard is the moment you can break it off. If this didn't work out, you have to watch out for yourself.

But I ask you this, if you are always watching out for yourself, who is watching out for your loved ones? If your loved ones are always watching out for themselves, who is watching out for you? You see, the equation doesn't quite work. You have to give to receive and to give you have to take a chance.

The thing is that in a good relationship the person will still be there when it's not in their favor. Why? Because they love you. No other reason. No other reason necessary.

I know this may be an old fashioned to think this way. I've kind of already accepted that I am old anyway. But there is some logic behind it.

Thoughts?

Mr. Rant and the US Broke Up

I'm no immigration lawyer but I have had my fair share of time working with the US department of immigration. By work I mean trying to get papers for my husband.

In all fairness, they did give him his Green Card. Guess what, the card was actually green. Go figure. Doing it abroad didn't take nearly all the hoop jumping that getting my Brazilian resident card did. On the contrary, he had it in about 3 months.

So while we were quite a bit poorer after the whole thing, we thought we were set. We thought so anyway. Turns out you have to set foot on American soil every 6 months if you want to keep it. Sadly, the US government doesn't cover the bill of flying from Rio de Janeiro to US soil twice a year. But I did discover that you can enter after 11 months once, twice if the second customs agent is forgiving.

That's what happened to us. Being who we are, and with all our respect for bureaucracy, we pushed the envelope... and we got called into secondary. Thankfully that was just because Immigration departments around the world all have the same standards for organization and they couldn't figure out which was our latest US address. But we were informed that while they were going to let us in, my death glare and bitching must have intimidated them, Mr. Rant would be turned around and sent home if we waited this long again. Oh, and he would be without his Green Card.

We ultimately decided that it was time for Mr. Rant and the US to break up. They could have some ex-sex in the form of the Tourist Visa but nothing more. The US is far too needy. It expected way too much from this relationship. I mean, Permanent resident is a lot, what more could you ask for?

Oh yeah, spontaneous finger printing in California because he wasn't actually a Permanent Resident but a Temporary Permanent Resident. Anyone else see the contradiction in terms there? Not to mention the fact that they could not do it in the consulate and that Residency is for people who are actually residents.

That one right there just pissed me off. I'm an American. Hell, I didn't even leave the country until I was 18 years old. Doesn't my country celebrate that kind of thing? So give my husband his papers.  I'm allowed to marry who I want to... oh wait. But in this case, I can marry him, I just may not be able to bring him home to Mom. I suppose, depending on the Mother-in-law, some spouses may not be too upset by that.

In the end, I guess we all have our immigration stories. The US is famous for just that. What are yours?

A Brazilian Wedding Weekend!

I went to a beautiful wedding this weekend in Teresopolis. The couple was so excited and in love. They were both sniffing and crying their way through the entire ceremony. It was beautiful.

And even more exciting was the reception that followed. You know when you are driving up to a party and you get a look at the venue and think 'HOLY SHIT! This is going to be a good party!" ? Yeah, I did that and then peed a little, that's how freaking amazing the place looked.

We left our car with the valet and walked in on a carpet of leaves. The entire place was draped with Christmas light (or fairy lights as they call them here), candles, greenery, and all around good taste. Whoever planned this wedding definitely had style (and money).

Our table

Mr. Rant and I managed to get the last table for our group of friends and we spent the first couple of hours drinking, eating, talking and toasting the couple. That's the thing about Brazilians, they really do come to weddings ready to celebrate! They are as happy as a bunch of old women on Valium. They bust out the real meaning of 'to eat, drink, and be merry.'

And that is exactly what we did. Between the 5 couples, we drank whiskey, Caipirvodkas, champagne, Caipirsakes, red wine, and water.

Mr. Rant and I sauntered out of the party at 4am. The Bride and Groom where still going strong and 2 couples out of our original party of 5 stayed behind. I have to say, I was proud that Mr. Rant and I stayed that long! We are a bit out of practice, especially in comparison to our friends. It's nice to know we can still hang with the big boys.

The Groom 

And so I ask you, what would you have drank at this wedding? (Don't even get me started on the food! YUM!)

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Sex or a Baby?

Remember how I screamed baby fever from the top of the blog the other day? Well, things got worse. 

Actually, it's kind of been a work in progress, growing until it hit a peak. You see, not only has baby fever jumped up, so has my libido. 

Yes, I'm saying it here right now. I have been one horny Mommy/expat blogger. It really is getting out of control. I am at the point where I want my husband to skip out on work. I want him to miss meetings and instead head over to a motel with his wife.  Is that too much for a woman to ask?!

People, my libido thinks it's in it's 20s! It's out of control. Sex and hotness is crossing my mind all the freaking time. Ok, let me rephrase that. It's always been a regular visitor but now it has moved in next to my childhood memories and Portuguese that is used at the park. 

Imagine if those things get mixed up! It could get a bit nasty in there! 

So I came up with a plan and it's one that Mr. Rant adores.  Instead of putting my body and energy into trying to make another kid, we're going to try a different direction.

No baby this time. We're going to go for the sex! 

While I am lucky enough to say that our sex life has stayed great, minus some patches here and there, there's always room for improvement. The plan, to focus the extra energy and high libido on orgasms, more frequent trysts, and overall personal attention. 

I mean, babies are awesome. They are so the new black and I just love them to death. I may even have another in a couple of years. But really, when was the last time I got to focus on getting laid (with my husband of course). We have 2 small kids and laid can get lost in that equation. You have to rush or you have to be quiet or you feel like a cow so don't want it at all. 

Screw it, I'm going to give my body want it really wants, the action it had with Mr. Rant in it's early 20s. Ok, maybe there won't be the middle of the night poke as we normally have a kid in the bed. The first thing in the morning may also be lost because of innocent eyes wandering the apartment. 

We do have to draw the line somewhere people. 

But there will be afternoons, nighttime, and if at all possible the fabulous double feature! 

What do you do to keep your sex life fresh?

Who Says You're the Black Sheep?!

The problem with self-proclaimed titles is that people usually don't agree with them.  I'd have to say that was the case this weekend.

The whole reason behind going to Buzios was to do a send off to the Grandmother who passed last December. She has essentially been potted in a beautiful pot below a lovely little bush. It's her spot in her garden where her lover of over 20s can go and talk to her. Him or anyone else who needs the ear of our lovely Grandmother.

Of course a couple of self-proclaimed black sheeps did not show up. They could not be bothered to go on a fully sponsored weekend trip to Buzios, transportation included. Oh yes, the fabulous Grandmother was so loved that we even had a sponsorship to send her off in style.

And when you consider yourself the "black sheeps" of the family, you obviously can't go. No no, that would require you to think about someone other than yourself. I'm sorry but my experience with so-called black sheeps is that they are usually Debbie Downers who spend too much time thinking about themselves.

Yes, family can be a bitch sometimes and no they will not agree with everything you do. Oh and let's not forget that most of them will also let you know they they don't agree. But this pretty much goes for everyone besides the self-proclaimed Golden child who wouldn't bother listening in the first place. Gold makes you hard  of hearing, it's just how it is.

Oh the charms of family.

Now, when you are repeatedly invited to the spreading of the ashes of the heart of the family, you go. If you really were the black sheep no one would call you. Did you not get the memo on what a black sheep really is?

This is especially annoying when the black sheep seem to attack the ones who love and care about them the most. Case in point, the passed Grandmother and her visiting sister, the tiavó (means Great Aunt but literally translates as Aunt-Grandma, which fits Brazilian family style much better.) These women are the head of the family! If we were Mafia, the passed Grandma could put a hit out on them from the grave. That's how high up she and her sister are!

So freaking hell, pull the stick out of your ass and pay respect to the elders! They are the ones who truly miss your presence, as we younger ones lack the understanding they have for your temperamental personalities.  We also lack the patience for these little games. We're grown-ups now. If you are going to pout and stay home, you are going to be the one missing out and no one is going to lose sleep over it.

And no, they didn't come. We youngsters were even holding out hope that they'd show up on their own. But no, they couldn't be bothered to show respect for a woman who took care of them, opened her home to them, many MANY times paid for them, and loved them more than they will ever love themselves. Hell, they couldn't even bother to show up and wish happy Mother's Day to the Mothers of their family.

Nope, these cousins dropped the ball big time and it left a stain in my book.

Then again, I'm not one to throw a pity party for the overly-sensitive. Just ask my family. Actually, maybe you shouldn't say anything to my family as they think I am the over-sensitive one. Definitely don't ask our self-proclaimed black sheep! He's still not talking to me because of the whole Christmas blog post.

Ah well, a family wouldn't be family without self-proclaimed titles. What's yours? You know you have one! 

Me, the ball and chain, and jazzercise

I'm running low on energy and inspiration today. It's Friday after a long week. Mr. Rant has been working very long hours every single day. I swear, he's just attempting to cure the baby fever by making me fend for myself.

I've been floating in the pool of play dates, soccer practice, poop, kiddie meals, playing dog (seriously boring game), and bedtimes. I haven't done anything other then exercise, go to my doctor's appointment, and keeping up the old blog.

On a side note, my Jillian Michael's DVD Jillian Michaels Shred Weights has been rocking my world like Mr. Rant at the beginning of our relationship. Well, let's just say that it pushes me to go until I can't any longer and makes my legs sore. Sadly, the DVD does not offer a happy ending. No, we can not have it all!

And just writing about this is a personal step. While I'll discuss my workout video with my girlfriends, I find it rather embarrassing to admit to the public. I bet my neighbors watch from across the way and  mock my moves. I mean, when I think of workout videos images of the 80s and the tv jazzercise girls pop into my head.

Oh well, boring life + workout DVD = potentially better ass.  I think I'm a cup half full kind of girl.

So tell me, would you workout to a DVD and did you ever jazzercise? 

Confessional: I have Baby Fever!

Baby fever hit me yesterday. While it may not come as a shock to close friends and family (all who say I have another one in me), it's a shock to me!

It happened when my 4 year old said he wanted his own baby. I thought he literally meant his own. He meant for me to have one and thus it would be his. He said, and I quote "If I had my own baby I would be able to touch, cuddle, and kiss him whenever I want." Back story: A friend of ours has a 3 month old whom he's obsessed with.

Seriously, that would be enough to light the fire for most Moms. And it did get me thinking. My boys are growing fast, I'm a young Mom, I'm never going to get to sleep again, and I have no money. Having a baby would only continue the ongoing trend.

Problem is that I live in Rio de Janeiro. I've always imagined 3 children being hell here. Let's be honest, my "large" apartment is tiny once you add children, private schools cost a small fortune, and general kiddie keep up costs are double the norm down here.

None the less, I'm imagining a huge belly, unsafe sex with my husband, and long nights breastfeeding paired with early mornings with preschoolers.

I have officially gone mad!

Don't get all scared for me just yet. I am hormonal this week. I also suffer from phases of baby wanting, although this is the strongest yet.

But it just isn't practical.

Well neither is marrying a man you've lived with for 2 months, moving to Rio de Janeiro with him, and taking up blogging. Oh baby, the cards are really stacked up on both sides aren't they.

Obviously though, I need my husband to support this. While he may, out of general man-weakness, agree to let me siphon out the goods and do it myself, I really don't think he'd consciously support this baby idea.

What the hell am I thinking anyway?! I'm on the verge of parental freedom! My youngest is out of diapers and entering pre-schoolerhood in the next year. My oldest already knows I'm far less cool than everyone else. I'm almost semi-interdependent.

What do you think? Is baby #3 a crash and burn idea or just another part of life in the fast lane? Should I go for freedom or add another couple of years to my life-sentence?

American vs Brazilian: The Cross-Cultural Argument

Mr. Rant and I got into a battle yesterday. We both walked our 12 paces and positioned our opinionated guns.

His Position:

Not dangerous: Stopping by the side of a two lane road (that enters into a busy tunnel), even with kids in the back seat. The traffic at that point is slow, we were visible, and were far enough from the turn on.

Dangerous: Leaving his Father and Brother alone to talk to police officers that pulled them over.

My Position:

Not dangerous: Leaving your adult brother and Father to talk to two officers who pulled them over. It was broad daylight and on a busy street.

Dangerous: Stopping in a lane (no shoulder available) on a street with kids in the car. Unnecessary.

Back Story: My Father-in-law got pulled over while driving to the Feira São Cristovão. We were following him and my brother-in-law in our car. Mr. Rant stopped behind the police officer's car after he was pulled. I was not comfortable with this.  

There was no need to stop in a lane of traffic with both our kids in the car. Mr. Rant said that it was not a big deal as it was the on-ramp of sorts and that traffic was slow. More importantly, he needed to be there as a witness.

Here is where culture and where you were raised comes into play. I was raised with the idea that stopping on the shoulder, much less a lane, was never an ideal situation. Mr. Rant was raised in a city where bicyclists, people, cars, and whatnot are all over the roads. People are, in theory, more aware of random street movement or lack there of.

Mr. Rant was raised in a culture where police cannot be trusted. The more people involved in a minor or major traffic meeting with police the better. It's our words against theirs and more family there to back up the FIL shows that he was not actually stealing a car. For me, if you get pulled over by a cop on the road, you must have done something wrong. Talk to the officer, figure it out, and get your ticket.

I cannot mentally process how I was wrong in this situation but Mr. Rant insists that I was overreacting and that he should have stayed with his Father. He was nice enough to pull out and drive away when I insisted that it was not safe.

I disagree, it only would have taken one crazy-ass driving bastard to rare-end us. It's not like we lack them here. Yes, the speed is normally slow at that point in the road and people are aware of their surroundings, but again, one driver.

So the argument ended in a ceasefire. My Father-in-law was fine and so were we. No harm no foul. But really, this was a hard end for me to take. I am not comfortable with disagreeing on general safety rules. Then again, I pretty much disagree with the entire country on general safety rules so why is this one bothering me?!

Let's get 3rd parties involved. Who was right?

Are you Annoying or Am I PMSing?

The world was out to irritate me today. I have no idea why everyone and everything decided to be so annoying. Obviously I was the only consistent factor in the steady stream of annoyances but that's not significant.

No no, I'm bright and chipper today. It's that special time of the month where women are extra kind and sexier. I'm just feeling the love.

Before you go and scream Too Much Info, it's kind of obvious that I menstruate. I mean, I am a woman and have procreated twice. No virgin Mother here. The machine is working 100%.

Per protocol, I woke up and announced the arrival of Mr. Rant's archenemy. I'm a fair wife and like to give him a fighting chance.

So it came as a huge surprise that Mr. Rant decided to be short with me today of all days. I mean, I have to be semi-pleasant 3 whole weeks a month. Today semi was off the table.

And that is when close quarters and an overly friendly culture get to me. You see, the first day of this special week I'm 110% American. I need space, silence, people not to say hello to me on the street, and to overeat without being asked if I'm pregnant.

Really, is it so much for a woman to ask for a full day to be a complete snatch, eat their significant other out of house and home, and then to make them watch a chick flick while complaining about the type of pizza that she herself ordered?!