Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Are you Calling me Fat? And other Handy Distractions
I use humor, shocker, daily in my life. It gets me out and into a lot of trouble.
So when my husband has a legitimate complaint about something, I like to think of ways to throw him off. It's not that I don't want to hear him out. Of course I do, communication is the key to any successful marriage. But success can be boring and we all need a good laugh.
Thus, how to distract your husband when he is complaining:
1. Ask if he's calling you fat. You can throw this in just about anywhere. For example my husband's last complaint: "Why can't you just put things away when you are done with them?" Answer: "Are you calling me fat?" His answer: " What does that have to do with anything? Of course I don't think you're fat..." And mission accomplished. Men are afraid of accidentally calling their wives fat... well, mine's not but it still works.
2. Take off your clothes. This works even better in public, total guess on my part, I swear. In private they enter into naked-woman-in front-of-me mode. In public they enter into all-other-men-seeing-naked-woman-aka-my-wife-in-front-of-them mode. Both very successful.
3. Produce a homemade baked good. Could be cookies, could be cake, ideally is sweet. For example, he comes home and bitch bitch bitch. "Wait a second sweety. I have those cookies you like in the kitchen" Husband: "Mmmmm cookies." Done and done.
4. Tell him you called his Mother. This works best if you have a questionable relationship with said Mother. This produces the Am-I-in-trouble panic and/or what-did-you-two-decide panic. He'll ask why and the conversation will automatically switch course. Just be careful not to start talking shit. That will start a whole new argument. And, note to self, nothing distracts a man from protecting his Momma.
5. Bring up a lesbian experience you had in college. The wonderful thing about men is that you don't need to have a natural conversational entrance into a lesbian experience story. He could be talking about a new car he wants and you ask if you told him about that sexual encounter you had with the stripper in college. All eyes are on you. Keep in mind, these stories don't have to be real. He does not care either way.
6. Say blow job. This is a low blow, pun intended. Last resort distraction option and may require fulfilling the desires that come up because you said these two sacred man words. Use this with discretion.
Now use your force for good and go makes some cookies!