Monday, January 17, 2011

What is Cheating?

What is cheating to you?  Watching the Golden Globes, I started thinking.  Take Eva Longoria.  Rumor is that her husband had partaken in hundreds of suggestive texts with another woman.  Apparently, nothing more happened.

So would that do it for you?  Is texting cheating?  The line is a difficult one to define and yet very easy to cross these days.  Things like Twitter, Facebook, and such, give us plenty of avenues to dip toes into different waters.  Innocent emails can easily turn questionable and bump people into an interesting situation, to say the least.

I talked about my stance a bit in my post about how 70% of Brazilian men supposedly cheat (see post here.)  I'm kind of a don't-tell-me-and-live-with-the-guilt-or-I'll-have-to-leave-you kind of girl.  But it's hard to judge until in the situation. And this kind of thing, with the texting, chatting, and messengering, has to have a different approach. 

I personally believe in time outs, taking away of privileges such as tv and internet, and/or guilt tripping. Underlying rule, it must stop.  Wow, sounds like I'm a Mother of a toddler...

That being said, I haven't really been in this situation before. No questionable texting or anything.  I have gotten cranky on Mr. Rant's ass about Facebook friendships with unknown women.  It was nothing, so the story goes. Damn Mafia game.  I do buy it though.

I also believe it's a fine line and better to mind the gap in the first place, as they say on the metro.  Why risk falling in when there's so much safe ground to stand on?

But everyone is different, so I ask, where do you stand?  What is your deal breaker?  Texting? Carrier pigeons?  Morse code?

What would make you bitch slap your significant other and walk out that door?


  1. Lying will do it...regardless if it is thru internet, texting, phone...whatever...
    Lying is lying, betrayal is betrayal regardless of the method used to do it...

  2. I used to have a boyfriend who would "have sex" with another guy on the other end of the neighborhood - we lived on a hill. He would use binoculars and hook up across 5 or six blocks, through two panes of glass. Men.

    It was not a deal breaker, though. Talk about safe sex!

  3. So Gil and Ray, if your partner goes, 'Dude, I'm totally sending nasty texts back and forth with this other person.' It's ok? ;)

    Jim, never heard of safer, yet weirder, sex than that. Total deal breaker if not just for the weirdness!

  4. I don't even know what a deal breaker would be these days. Living here, married to a Brasilian, what would I do anyhow? Taking my son back to the US to live apart wouldn't be possible or even legal and starting a life solo here with alimony and child support, that doesn't sound very appealing either. I think as long as things are mostly good in your relationship (=you love each other and feel loved and get along, have similar life goals...basic stuff!), then being suspicious and jealous just poisons everything. You have to trust and hope that they are as good as they say they are, regardless of flirty texting or emails, and vice-versa. We do live in a country where everyone refers to each other as "amor" and "querido". I've been on both ends of this, though not guilty of it in my current marriage. I've flirted (thru *innocent* emails) which let to cheating, still feel guilty about what I did. My husband has friends that have separate phones for their other conquests, and their normal phone which are wife approved/safe. Cheating goes on...cést la vie. I think it's wise to be more rational than emotional and like you said, figure out what really would be a deal breaker.

  5. My cousin brought his wife and family and two friends that were girls to family christmas in Brazil. My cousin's wife responded by breast feeding without stopping for 5 hours straight while watching my cousin dance to funk with both girls. That was pretty weird.

    But I wouldn't feel comfortable with lying and my husband being close to a woman that is not family or a mutual (i.e. couple we hang with). But my husband is super super great. He only wants me to be happy and would never cause these kinds of problems.

  6. To each their own I guess :) Every relationship is different so find out the deal breaker in advance could probably stave off a lot of arguments. Relationship also evolve so staying connected or just being on the same page with one another can help ease any tension.

    In my relationship both of us have talked and find it unacceptable and disrespectful to the other person. We have said that it ever get to the point where the other needs to cheat then we need to have a serious conversation.

    I don't judge anyone but below is my reasoning for my belief-

    Think about all the things that are said behind your loved one's back if you were the cheater? When people find out and your spouse is the only one who doesn't know.... how can you say you love someone yet hurt them like that?

    PS- this is Sara I had to change my photo and name recently! I am not trying to be anonymous!

  7. I joke and I ramble about it but my husband and I don't hide anything from each other and are totally into loyalty. But I am always pulled, if something did happen that was not going to repeat itself, I wouldn't want to know. It would just break my heart.

    Would you want to know?

  8. I think there's such a thing as an emotional affair, which I define as confiding in a person who is not your partner instead of your partner, telling all of your dreams and plans and secrets. That might be possible over just texting.

    There's also the occurrence of one person in the relationship just liking the attention and self-esteem boost of continued flirting and actively hitting on people, whether it's in person or virtually. In my opinion, that's a kind of attention that you have to give up when you're in a relationship. (So if the guy's texting daily with some biscate just to talk about how pretty she is and how he'd like to see her naked, it's still violating what he's got with his wife, even if he's not physical with the other woman.)

    But I mean, my husfriend is so distracted and technologically behind the times that he doesn't even respond to MY texts and emails. So if I found out he was chattin' it up with some other ho, I'd be extra annoyed.

  9. Just remember, a faithful partner will always come back to you no matter who else they have been seeing.

  10. I listen to Dan Savage's podcast every week, and I generally agree with his sex/relationship advice. He's big on negotiating deal breakers before making a commitment and he is very vocal about the idea that monogamy is not natural and is therefor unlikely (or at least unsatisfying long term). I agree.

    As a gay man (gay male sexual culture is different than straight sexual culture) "cheating" (or just plain having sex with others outside your relationship)goes by many names and in many cases is not a dealbreaker at all.

    Some people play cards, some people surf, some people go bowling - a lot of gay guys hook up. It's not about love or a threat to ones relationship. It's more like scratching an itch.

    Negotiate the rules with your partner, then play by the rules (or renegotiate them).

  11. Wouldn't want to know, ever. No one deserves to feel that hurt or disappointment. And given the things I know about and have seen living here, it goes on a lot. A lot.