Monday, August 22, 2011

Crushes, Divorce, and Regret

The Little Hen House, an awesome Mommy blog, posted something that caught my eye: 70% of people who divorce regret it within a year later .

The entire post was about a married woman's crush on someone other than her spouse and how to handle it. The post touched home because I am a little crush magnet. I constantly have crushes. I just can't help it! Apparently I am 12 going on 31. If only they made a movie about that.

The best part of the post was the how it is "normal" part. Honestly, I have always found it normal! Marriage was created as a means to secure property. You can thank an ex for that fact, but it is true. Just marry a Brazilian man and you will see that the potential-other-hot-partners observational skills do not die after marriage. They still see them and they feel far less responsibility to hide that fact than us North American/Europeans.

The things is that just because you are married doesn't mean that you will not notice others whom you would want to "mate" with if you were single. It doesn't meant that at all! What marriage means is that you'll not hook up with them in spite of the attraction. Oh yes, the hook up potential is still there, it's just not worth what you would have to give up.

Personally, I take that as a far bigger compliment. Find ladies attractive. Wonder if I would be willing to do what you hear they do. Whatever you need to do to get through your day. What is essential is that you find your relationship with me more important than any other curiosity that may cross your path.  There really isn't anything more complimentary than that. It's a big old "You rock my world so much that I am going to make a constant effort to be with you, even though I really hate how you leave your bras hanging off the doorknobs in the bathroom!" Not that I do that or anything...

The point is, crushes are awesome because they demand nothing more than our imagination and they are ok as long as they stay that way. Crush on people! It's a great way to feel a bit naughty without actually being it!

So tell me, do you have a crush? 


  1. "Just because your married doesn't mean you're dead", quote from every married male that gets caught ogling. Women are more discreet and drool into a tissue. The grass always looks lusher and greener on the other side of the fence...and frequently when you open the gate and dart in to get a closer look you step in a pile of crap, notice the weeds and see the dead spots...then when you try and go back through the gate it's locked. Just lean on the fence and enjoy from a distance. Okay I've used all my analogies for the day...I'm done here.

  2. I think the difficulty is where and whent the boundaries are as to how you act towards that crush. Aside from the obvious no hooking up part. But how far do you let the flirting go? Would you feel comfortable if Mr.Rant openly flirted with his crush or should it just remain in his head and not acted on at all?

    On one side I'm like you, so I can understand perfectly how normal it is. On the other side, I certainly never want someone to stay with me just for the reason that they fear they have too much to lose (such as their flat screen tv they love so dear, etc) if they acted on it.
    I want them to LOVE and DESIRE me so that while she may appear "all that" and have a body that could rock your really love how I rock yours even if gravity has been cruel to certain

  3. I am fine with Mr. Rant innocently flirting, which he does... I believe regularly and with all women. He's a charming man. I used to get really jealous over the fact. Now I only get slightly jealous, you know the healthy kind that reminds me that I still want my husband ;)

  4. I'm with Dan Savage (of the Savage Love column and podcast) - monogomy is a myth. OK, perhaps it works for a few, but in real life we humans are not monogomous by nature and as such we should have serious discussions with our life partners about flirting, hooking up and sharing. Define the boundaries and the rules - then stick to them.

    Trust is more important than monogomy.

  5. Kay, loved all of your analogies! Flirting and innocent crushes can be fun and harmless sure. BUT, if there's a mutual sexual attraction, that's where it gets dangerous and I wouldn't put myself in a situation alone with that person and no way have drinks together alone, it's too easy to get caught up in that feeling, you're playing with fire. And once the line is crossed, things are never the same. Flirting is natural, but you've got to be careful if you're trying to achieve monogomy. Even if you don't physically cross the line, it's possible to cross it emotionally.

  6. Jim, you beat me to the Dan Savage reference. I'm a huge fan of his, and he nails it. GGG, right? Good, Giving, and Game for those non-fans.

  7. Great post. I think marriage is above all a contract and hence to work guidelines must be obeyed.

    As for top non discreet men I would point to Italians: those guys lool like their actually going to assault the woman they are checking out and that if a parking meter was attractive enough they would have a go. It's kind of funny to observe these people in action but I imagine that for a girl it must be pretty creepy.

  8. I have to say I am totally with Jim.
    Managing your expectations and having full trust is key.


  9. Just for the record! I was reading this post when the Earthquake hit the Northeast this afternoon... :(

  10. I manage this by only having crushes on totally unobtainable men, like Jamie Oliver.