Character Building Bullying?

I overheard someone asking "No, character building bullying these days?!"

I was automatically horrified by the statement.  Bullying as a way to build the bullied kids's character? That's just mean!

But a couple of hours later I started to think about it.  Bullying has always had a tendency to get out of control. School yard fights are a long told tale.  But this generation has taken it to a new level. Children have been killed over being different. People are attacked. Entire school turn against certain students and those students sometimes end up bring guns to school.  When living in hell, why not try to shoot yourself out.  It's not ok, but you have to think of the back story there.

And I find that people tend to one of two parties: 'The boys will be boys' and 'The feel your feelings' teams.

So when I heard that statement my automatic response system went up and cried NO!  But maybe he has a point.  These days we shelter our children. We restrict play from the rowdy kids and hover over them like helicopters (ever brilliant term: helicopter parents).

Hell, there's even movements encouraging a Mother to co-feed her 5 year old with her newborn. All about the good health  here people but sometimes it's time to move up to the next step. We are so concerned that I will not be surprised the day safety helmets are required at school because someone's Daddy is a lawyer and his son got 3 stitches.

The thing is, kids have to go through things. It should never be in the extreme and I do not condone abuse nor harassment.  I'm just saying that these two teams need to meet in the middle.  If Billy keeps punching all of his friends in the face, he's not going to have any friends left. And if Mommy goes with Joey to 6th grade camp, no on is going to want to sit next to him at the campfire.

That being said, I'm a total Emotions, pink cloud, I will smack your child if he makes mine cry kind of Mom. I have to really control it.  I practically ran around after my oldest with a pillow at the park. Oh don't fall! And I intervened the moment someone's little voice rose.  You know what happened, he had a difficult time sticking up for himself. We spent a semester in school dealing with that because they just didn't make a desk big enough for Mommy's ass.

Sometimes kids need to fall. They need to know how to puff their chests out a little and stick up for themselves. They need that confidence that comes after you do.  If you always protect them from their challenges, they will never learn to do it themselves. And they will have to, eventually.

On the other hand, you parents who live so vicariously through their children that it's you that gets butterflies when the most popular boy asks your daughter out, stop. Stop it. This whole be what I was thing is annoying, and just because you hated "nerds" doesn't mean your kid should too. And when does the healthy teasing stop? When someone is lit on fire? What if it were your kid? Let your kid be an ass, but teach him that it doesn't matter if a kid is small, different, homosexual, or has special needs.  You can still be an ass without being a total waste of skin and oxygen.

Where does this get us? The good old middle ground.  It's easier for feelings people to let their kids learn and grow at their own pace if someone isn't going to threaten their daily life over it.  Also, sometimes feelings people need to explain the delicacy of social interactions to their children and how maybe, if he'd like, he could change his 'you all should die' t-shirt. People may be a little more open to him that way.

So we need to take the rough and tumble kids (and parents) and give them a little sensitivity training. Teach them that unless they are going to stay working at Daddy's garage, it may be good to understand that their are different ways of life.  Fuzzy parents, time to take your 12 year old out of the baby bjorn carrier and let him walk on his own a little bit.

Obnoxiously, this all comes down to a balance. Something very difficult for one person and seemingly impossible for a society.  When did the greater good ever become such a difficult concept to understand?  We live together. We survive together. We're supposed to a clan.

Oh and for the love of Pete, could we parents all stop to remember that our little Bob or Susy may not be that perfect little angel we always thought.  Kids learn to snow the vast majority of parents by 4 years old.  Your 14 year old is now an expert.  Be aware of your kids, how they are, what they are feeling, and what they are doing. It's a pain in the ass but it really makes a difference.  

Alarm Backpack: Safety or a Bit Much

You have babies and then you want to protect them. It's so very natural. They are your little souls walking around the world.  And as a gringa in Rio de Janeiro, I really feel that.  I live in a great neighborhood and I know that this city is far safer than CNN would have you believe, but you still get nervous.

It's just a little different down here. We don't have the Amber alert system. Hell, we hardly have any kind of system like that in place at all.  It's almost as if Brazilian society is sittings somewhere in between ignorance is bliss and we have to do something.  And it's a shame because I've always loved this relaxed your-kids-are-safe-everywhere-here attitude.  Reality has a way of just biting everyone in the ass.

Then I saw this Alarm backpack. Your kid get snatched and they call pull an alarm.  And these backpack sellers really hit a core with parents.  They say, you put alarms on your buildings, why not your children? Robbery went down after alarms, why not kidnapping?

And initially, it sounds pretty damn good.  I mean, who wants their kid snatched. Not to mention, I bet a screaming backpack, attached to a screaming kid, would even get the attention of busy Cariocas.
But if you follow along these lines of safety, why not put a Lojack bracelet on their ankle.

On the other hand, while safety is important, how safe is your 4 year old going to feel being attached to an anti-kidnapping system. What kind of innocent childhood can they have always looking over their shoulder. Isn't it bad enough that we are. Hell, playgrounds are now padded to keep the scrapies away.  I'm surprised people aren't making their kids use helmets in pools!  Isn't it all getting a little out of control?

I've decided to go old school on safety. I'm going to get an ulcer worrying about my child and they will never know. I will hover in a semi-discrete manner. I will hide around corners when necessary. And I will not attach my 4 year old to a cordless leash.

Who am I kidding, I'm not a discrete hoverer by any  means!

It comes down to this: horrible things happen.  Our job is to protect our children from these horrible things.  But I have to take a step back when I feel that my protection methods are interfering with them actually living.

I don't think this backpack, a tracking devise, or melting my children to my legs so we can become one would help.  It's just a big old slippery slope of paranoia.  You need to be careful and conscientious. And I know that it does not always work with the world the way it is, the way it was, and the way it will be.  But I won't have my kids worrying about it. I think I worry about it enough for the both of us.

What would you do? Backpack or no? Do you think countries like Brazil, without the protective programs of the US, suffer from more child abductions? 

A Note or a Tweet: is Technology stealing Memories?

It was only a matter of time until my parents asked me to get my crap out of their basement. You know, the old box of high school love letters, old photos, pom pom from pep rallies, and yearbooks.

Well, their prompting only encouraged me to spend time sifting through the boxes, enjoying the trip down memory lane.  Nothing was or will ever actually be accomplished. It's my God given right to leave crap in my parent's basement.  However, I have narrowed it down to two smallish boxes.  I think my work is done.

Anyway, I got to thinking about this ritual.  I have stories of my parents' that came out in these kind of boxes. Hell, I found letters to my Grandmother, all 86 yrs of her, in her closet.  It's awesome, amazing, and very very cool to read.

That's when I started to feel sorry for my children.  I know the internet is an awesome thing and without it, I would not be here today.  But what the hell are they going to do?!

Unless our kids start printing out text messages and aging the paper with tea bags, they aren't going to have jack in their box.

And that is the change of time baby. I'm only 30 and I already see it. My kids' box is going to be an external hard drive or two. Love letters are sent in 160 characters and notes are left on iphones.

What is happening to the youth theses day!?!?!

Ok, that was a little dramatic.  I'm sure they won't miss a thing. They may even find our old notes dirty and a waste of paper.

Personally, I love all my old letters and notes. I remember opening my locker to have that little folded square of paper from my boyfriend fall out.  It was always a surprise, even if it was there daily.  Then again, that was before the readily available cell phone.

Holy crap, either technology is moving far too fast or I really am aging!

Do you still have your old letters and notes?  Do you ever feel like this generation is missing out on something?

Target is my Happiest Place on Earth.

My kids come to the US and they turn into little consumers. "I want this" and "I want that."  It's hilarious at first and horrendous by the end. 

And it's all my fault, to say the least.  As an expat living in Rio de Janeiro, a panic floods goes over me the moment I enter into a store such as target.  Where to go! What to buy!  How to pack it all up!

So much stuff and for so few dollars. I don't even know which section to start in.  Brazilians fly up to go to Disneyland and outlet shops. I come home to go to Target and the grocery store. 

Of course there are the practical purchases such as electronics and baby gear.  Those items are worth triple their value in Brazil.  Then there's the stupid stuff. 

I bought pans, non stick, KitchenAid pans and ziplock bags. Then there are the cloth fold down kid toy boxes for storage.  I also purchased cotton granny panties for those special granny pantie days (my ass could never fit the Brazilian version of the granny pantie).  Jeans, socks, skincare, and toys are some of the many items we'll be lugging home.

Thank goodness for Christmas, sales, and a 70lb luggage limit when you buy your tickets originating in Brazil. 

Toys are a big kicker. I have two boys and they aren't babies anymore. They get hardly anything all year.  And that's because toys are EXPENSIVE!  So much so that one day I may tell my children to use... gasp... their imagination. 

So when they show me this very cool toy and ask if it's too much money, I have a hard time saying it is. FYI, my typical Brazilian store response is that it costs too much to buy and No.  

Here it's honestly hard to say that. It's like last stop shopping.  Who knows when we'll be back and there's no way in toy store hell that I'm buying these kinds of toys in Brazil.

Thus, I compulsively let them put their choices into the cart. Once it's there, it stays. Taking it out because sense kicks in makes me feel like a dick tease only with children and toys.  Better yet, a toy tease. 

Wishy washy does not a good parent make.  So I sucked it up and let them walk out with, once again, a new toy each. Under $20 and smaller than the one they originally asked for, like it makes a difference.

Oh well, all the noes in Rio de Janeiro should wash off all the spoiled of the US. 

Honestly, it's kind of nice to be able to spoil the little guys every once in a while.  Goodness knows their Father and I are spoiling ourselves!

I want that Carioca job!

I can't figure out, for the life of me, what a quarter of the parents of the kids at my kids' school do for a living. Seriously, it's mind boggling.  

It reminds me of weekday Ipanema beach goers. When my parents were visiting, I took my them there on a random Tuesday morning, around 11ish. My Dad turned and asked me if it was a holiday.  Nope.  Then why in the hell aren't these people at work or school?! 

That is a good question.  Any given beautiful Rio de Janeiro day, Ipanema, Copacabana, and Leblon will be pretty full considering it's a weekday.  They can't all be students or mooching off their working parents. They can't all have won the lottery, be software geniuses retired at 35, or only work nights and weekends. 

What gives? What is the Carioca secret no one is sharing with me?! 
 
That's what's throwing me off with about 1/4 of the parents at my kids' school.  Let me explain, school starts at 1pm, middle of the workday.  The majority of these guys get dropped off by extended family or a maid, a school bus, or are in school full time. There are also a few stay-at-home parents who bring the little rug rats in. 

Then there's the magical 1/4. Sometimes the Father drops off the kid at 1pm. Sometimes the Mother.  Sometimes it's both of them.  Sometimes I see the Mother dropping off the kid and then run into the Father just cruising the neighborhood. 

No, these are not stay-at-home parents. And I don't think there are that many independently wealthy families sending their kids to our tree-hugging, hippie friendly, Harvard school of finger painting. 

So where on Earth do these people work and can my husband work there?  My husband can sometimes get off early to pick the kiddies up but no, he's not doing drop off duty or anything close to that. And the job must pay decently if they can afford the tuition.  Even with a discount, it's nothing to scoff at. 

So here is our mission.  We must discover the secret to the wandering Carioca.  How do they make their livelihood? And are they hiring? 

Exhausted in Rio de Janeiro

Being a parent in Rio de Janeiro is exhausting. I used to talk major shit about all the non-working Moms with nannies here.  I've changed my tune. I have two now. I'm out numbered and I get it.

It's unacceptable to stay inside all day here. For starters, your place is 2 feet x 2 feet if you have money. It's about 13 in x 17 in for normal folk. Parents and children alike will go insane inside all day. 

Then there's the weather.  98 % of the time it's beautiful. Who can resist being out and about on a beautiful day? Not this girl and not my kids!  Then again, my maid will be the first to tell you that I'm the one who badly accustomed (in her words) them to life out on the streets. Makes me sound like I have them begging for change.  Outside boys!  Earn money for your pricey private school tuition! 

So this whole post comes from an argument I had with my husband this evening. It was the "who had a harder day" argument.  It's impossible to win, especially when the working husband can say that I, at least, got to have a wonderful day with our children. 

What do you say to that?

No, I didn't! I've raised hellions! 

I did have a wonderful day with the kids.  But I thought I'd take a moment and break down what a wonderful day is:

730am - make and serve breakfast
8am - clean up breakfast
845am - prep kids for beach with Tio (Uncle) Japi.  Aka. smear sunscreen, pack bag, give out last minute snacks and drinks, pack car
910am - pick up Tio Japi and head to beach
930am - beach.  That means, play in sand, make sure baby doesn't drown in ocean the ENTIRE time we are at said beach. Thank Tio for taking turns making sure baby doesn't drown
1045am - leave beach because kids are already tired and baby has to take a bath and eat lunch before bath.
1115am - home
1120am - bath time for everyone
1135am - make plates and serve lunch
Noon - put baby down
1215pm - tidy after lunch
1230pm - quality time with oldest who did not nap
1pm - finally get to read a book while snuggling oldest who is watching his favorite show (Ben 10)
130pm - baby up
145pm - snack time
215pm - go to the grocery store with kids
245pm - meet friends at park
4pm - come back to the house with said friends
530pm - make dinner and serve to kids
6pm - clean up after dinner and run bath
615pm - give kids a bath
645pm - chocolate milk time for kids
7pm - youngest bed
730pm - finally get youngest to sleep and Daddy FINALLY arrives home from work
8pm - start teaching private English class
830pm - give oldest a kiss during class and then continue with class as Daddy puts him to bed
930pm - class over
now - BIG glass of wine and blog :)

I decided to not put in potty breaks and I eat at the same time as my kids when I can. If I can't, I grab something on the go. Wonder how I lost the pregnancy weight...

It's amazing how the time flies by!  It's as if the day is over before it begun.  If I put some effort into it, I could break the list down even further into play blocks with boys, do puzzle with oldest, color with youngest.  But that would be obsessive.  The point being, I don't stop all day.  You see the one time I got to, which is rare, was when I read my book for a half hour. Golden!  I don't usually get to stop. 

So I get the nannies and full time maids.  I was wrong and you were right. Does that mean I get one or both? Nope.  But I see your point. 

There's a hex on this house

My toddler has diarrhea now.  Maybe I've been Candomblé-ed.  Most likely it's a virus.  So we have two little typhoid Marys running around here. 

While this too shall pass, I realize that my husband and I may be the next victims.  The saddest thing about our society is it's lack of understanding for adult diarrhea.  It's faux pas to even talk about it, much less go into your work bathroom and bust out a round. 

So what are parents of young children supposed to do? Do we suppress our body's need with a bottle of pepto or do we put our head up high and say "I have Diarrhea and I am proud!"?