Paddle Surfing Santa: Brazilian Christmas

Baking in the southern hemisphere makes Christmas a slightly different story. None the less, it has the same basic feel of warm and fuzzy with a side of a bit sweaty.

I just want to wish all of you a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah... basically a joyful time celebrating whatever it is you celebrate with whomever you wish to celebrate it with. I wish you all a lot of joy, love and laughter!

Let's end this year with a smile, shall we.

Feel the Heat? It's coming...

Summer is coming and I love our routine. Contrary to popular belief, it's as if the arrival of the heat lowers your blood pressure. You get calm, relaxed, and open to just hanging around.

With kiddos the heat means we start early. Today we arrived at the beach at 815am for Chatterbox to play beach soccer with... gasp... a Flamengo tot team.  We can turn a cheek to the team cheating as it is for the greater good of our son's enjoyment. At least that is what I tell Mr Rant.

It really is wonderful to arrive super early to the sun and the sand. You get to suck in the non-burning rays, enjoy the view, and burn off a little of the Monday morning funk. It also means that popsicles at 1030am seem like a damn good idea, don't even get me started on coconut water.

And after all the early morning play it is so natural to chill out at home during the peak heat hours. We all shower off the beach, I start the Brazilian lunch preparations, and the kiddos play (get this) quietly.

The heat of the afternoon slides by and then you are ready to bust another move come 3 or 4pm when Satan has returned to his lair and taken some of the heat with him.

The weekends, when we regain custody of Mr. Rant, are even better. They mean very long mornings at the beach, lunch out at a typical Carioca restaurant, and then some mellow play at home or at a friend's place.

I must say, I love the summer months in Rio de Janeiro. It's when Cariocas let their full colors shine, or maybe it just feels that way since everyone is so tan and have drunken at least 2 beers.

What's your favorite thing about summer?

How To Beach Like a Carioca

My Little Carioca cooling off with an ice cream

Summer is approaching here in Rio de Janeiro and I am going to tell all you non-Cariocas how to do the Rio de Janeiro beach the right way. Don't worry, follow my 10 easy steps and you'll blend right in... kind of.

1. Be Non-Committal when initially approached by the guys working at the barracas (tents) on the beach. Play it cool. Find where you want to sit and then get your chair. That will save you the unwanted drama of territories and tents. Trust me, even I fall into this one occasionally.

2. No Towels! Actually this should be no towels and buy at least one Brazilian canga BEFORE getting to the beach. You can buy this sheet like items all over the place. That way you don't scream "I'm a Gringo with hotel towels please overcharge me." Of course they are going to overcharge you anyway but at least it will be reasonably. Also the cangas do not collect sand like towels. Trust me.

3. SUNSCREEN! Cariocas use sunscreen, at least some degree of it. I was taught by Mr. Rants family to put sunscreen on before I left the apartment. Of course they all put it on there but let's just say that my skin is a tad bit more likely to burn...

4. Early Morning or Late afternoon. If you are not a seasoned beach goer with a strong tan and religious sunscreen use, do not try to sit in the sun at noon during Rio de Janeiro's summer. It's not going to turn out well. If you are there take advantage of the cheap sun umbrellas rented by the barracas. Hide out until the peak passes. My Mother-in-law used to send me under the umbrella around 1130am, kind of like a sun time out. I will thank her for it when I don't get skin cancer.

5. Remember Raccoon Eyes. We all look good in sunglasses but not when it still looks like we are wearing them when we take them off. Sunscreen, hat, and remove them at some point to even out your tan.

6. Beach food: Don't eat the shrimp. They look pretty but they have been cruising around in the sun for hours. Go for something a little safer like an esfiha, biscuito globos, or a hot dog.

7. Pick up your trash! It's our beach so please take care of it. There are trash cans by the guys renting chairs. There's no reason why everyone can't put their trash in a baggie and throw it away in a trash can on their way out. While you are at it please tell a Carioca. They are horrible at keeping their own beaches clean!

8. Buy a bikini in Rio de Janeiro. I don't care about your size or shape, you will only stick out if you wear one of those saggie butt British or American bikinis. Do yourself a favor and suck up your pride. Buy the bikini! Trust me, the moment you get to the beach you will realize you actually blend in more and your butt looks 300 times better! And you curvy girls please remember that Brazilian LOVE that! Show it off!

9. Be careful going into the ocean. Cariocas make swimming in the rough Rio de Janeiro waters look easy. It isn't. This goes double when you are kind of drunk off of Brazilian beer and have to pee. Don't let the urgency make you do something stupid. Nobody wants to be that guy that has to be rescued by the helicopter with ocean basket.

10. Have fun! Cariocas have a saying: There's nothing a good day at the beach can't cure. It's true! They know how to do the beach in Rio de Janeiro and if you have a chance to go with some natives please do! 

Surviving the Heat

The season of swamp ass and swenis has returned to Rio de Janeiro. I always joke about how people run around half naked and I know all you non-Rio de Janeiro residents fantasize about it. Sadly the day has come where I have to break down the ugly truth of it all.

It is necessary for survival. It gets really freaking hot and humid down here. I'm already hearing some of you who live in the Southern States of the US claiming that you know how it is. Yeah, I have to disagree with you. Just like charm, Brazil has one upped you in heat.

Seriously, my least favorite part is the sweat that drips down the back of your legs. It's a dampness like you are wetting yourself and it just doesn't stop. There really isn't much you can do about it either. While you can spend a fair amount of time in the ocean, under a shower, or in a pool drinking beer, you eventually have to go somewhere to eat or urinate.

Then there's the smell. I am especially thankful for Brazilian's extensive culinary use of garlic and onion during the summer. It just smells so yummy coming out of the pores of all the sweaty people smashed up against you on the subway. Yum, just makes me want to find the nearest Churrascaria.

Though I do have a secret for a successfully survived summer in Rio de Janeiro. Want to know?

1. Get to the beach early! That means parking at 8am, no later. Better yet if you can get there at 730am. First off it's already hot and sunny at that time but at a level that is still enjoyable. Secondly you still have options as to where you can sit on the beach. Come 10am it's slim pickings. After 1230pm it's like a freaking Carnaval Bloco (street party).

2. Ideally either go out to eat or have something prepared from earlier for lunch. It's a bitch to cook after being sapped of all your energy at the beach. Plus a hot stove top at noon sucks.

3. Siesta until 4am. In air conditioning if possible, at the very least good ceiling fans.

4. Beer. It just quenches that thirst you get while sitting in the shade on a hot day surrounded by sweaty bodies. It fits like glaze on a doughnut.

5. Showers and a change of clothes. We do it often down here. Trust me, it's the way to go at least 3 times a day my friend.

Now I'm going to go and hose myself off, turn on the fan and take a 30 minute cat nap. You?