Monday, January 10, 2011

Mashed Potatoes with a side of Hemorrhoids

So what's for dinner tonight?  Steak and mashed potatoes.  Awesome! Some down home cooking for this lady and her family.

Did I mention that the potatoes are powdered and come in a bag?

I will never forget what a proctologist once said to me in Rio de Janeiro (see post here TMI).  He went off, "You Americans and your Instant Mashed Potatoes! Who the hell doesn't have time to make real Mashed Potatoes! And that's why you have hemorrhoids, that and your sauces."

I was like, Dude, you summed up all our food right there: instant, powered, and sauce.  Thank goodness he didn't mention hot dogs and potato chips.  I would have had to throw down then.

But he was so right!  As fast, fun, and easy for the whole family as that envelope of powdery goodness can be, it's kind of nasty.  There really can't be any potato in that bag.  Trust me, I've burned potatoes down to powder and it doesn't look like that.

I can't lie though, I'm tempted to use them.  It's just so easy.  Rip, pour, and mix. I don't even have to use milk. It's uncountable calories, saturated fat, and no nutrition mixed into one tasty side dish.  I can't image the trouble they went to finding the right mix of chemicals to get that real butter flavor. Now that's effort with a capital I-will-not-let-one-drop-of-real-food-get-into-this.

Oh well, when in Maryland, do as the Marylanders do.

I'll just call the above mentioned doctor when I get home and make sure he does entire families.  At least this time I can convincingly tell him that I am not having anal sex, just eating instant mashed potatoes. I don't know which he'll be more annoyed with.


  1. If you ARE having anal sex - just use more lube and go slower... just sayin'

    As for the instant potatoes - I used to eat them when I was a young backpacker way up in the mountains - days and days from home base. Then they were useful.

    Otherwise -- what's so hard about peeling a few potatoes!?

    But then, I live in Brazil and I have extra minutes in my day.

    Peel potatoes or spend more time on Twitter -- you decide. ;-)

  2. Funny enough, I don't have anal sex really. I just seem to talk about it. Maybe it's a sign.

    Twitter and getting hair done! When in Rome ;)

  3. Anal sex is certainly good for prostate health...not that you should worry about that :)
    Just getting following the TMI's contagious :)

  4. LOL! Great, gotta clean the keyboard again. I have got to remember not to drink my beer when I am reading your blog. Rachel, only you can tie in mashed potatoes with anal sex in a blog post.

    Maybe the doctor actually meant not to have anal sex using mashed potatoes or sauces.

    You better stock up on the Boy Butter while you are still there in the states.