Sunday, December 11, 2011

Stream of Consciousness Sunday: Goodbye

There is a sickly ironic part to suicide where the person who committed it felt alone while the people who lose them feel a drastic loss of company. It is like a fatal miscommunication caused by humans' naturally faulty wiring. We neglect to vulnerably show how important people are to us and sometimes people refuse to hear it even when we do.

The worst part for me is imagining someone dying sad, alone and feeling helpless. It breaks my heart that they felt that it was impossible for things to get fixed. Certainly we can feel that in life, but when you lose someone over it... well then nothing is impossible to fix. I guess that is why there is all that talk about retrospect and it being 20/20.

And I stop myself when I feel that urge to exclaim things like: Why didn't they reach out for help? Why didn't they tell us that they felt like that? Why didn't someone do something?

The thing is, we are in charge of where we are and where we are going. That is a scary reality if you really think about it. There is a safety in following some sort of path, even if you are following someone else. When you reach the point of sadness where you feel the full depths of it, there is no path to follow. It is you and you feel the weight of knowing that in the end it is you and you alone who has to live your life. No matter who is holding your hand when you go, they are not going with you.

Regardless, it seems unnatural for someone to not be comforted into passing. Having them ripped out of our lives leaves a gaping hole.

Hearing about a friend's death today did just that. I can only imagine how his family and close friends feel. I only wish I had the relationship with him where he felt he could have called me. I wish someone had been close enough for him to say 'I think I may do something permanent.' I can say, without a doubt, that any of our mutual friends would come over immediately, held his hand, and sat with him until that horrible night passed. Suicides bring a lot of 'if only' s that way.

No event is ever going to be the same without his bright smile. I know that sounds like a cliche thing to say but you didn't know this man's smile.

Rest in Peace our friend. You will be missed.


This was my 5 minute Stream of Consciousness Sunday post. It’s five minutes of your time and a brain dump. Want to try it? Here are the rules…

  • Set a timer and write for 5 minutes only.
  • Write an intro to the post if you want but don’t edit the post. No proofreading or spellchecking. This is writing in the raw.
  • Publish it somewhere. Anywhere. The back door to your blog if you want. But make it accessible.
  • Add the Stream of Consciousness Sunday badge to your post.
  • Link up your post.


  1. I am sorry for your loss.

    May his family and friends find peace of mind.

  2. I'm so sorry to hear about this Rachel.

    We are here for you if you need us.


  3. Suicide really is the saddest kind of death. I've lost a couple of friends and acquaintances this way over the past couple of years and nothing about it makes sense. They had so many people who loved them and cared for them, but they didn't care enough for themselves. Some say it's a selfish deed, and it is, but at the same time, to live with the kind of torture in their heads that they must have endured? I'm not convinced it's entirely selfish. In a sick and ironic way, it might be the only way they could "survive".

    I hope his family, friends, and acquaintances can find some peace to make it through. I'm so sorry for your loss.

  4. There are no words that make this better. Sorry you have lost a friend.

  5. Nobody should ever have to experience this. I'm so sorry for your loss, Rachel.

  6. I'm so sorry to hear this. I wrote a post a while ago called "Suicide is not painless" that touched on some of this. It's a burden that some cannot bear or escape but they pain they leave behind inevitably falls on someone else.