Monday, February 13, 2012

Brazil Counters France in Parenting Style


For all you not reading the required obsessive literature on how to raise your children correctly, and simultaneously making yourself feel inadequate, you may not realize the current hip method is comparing yourself to the French.   

I found this brilliant article: Why American Kids Are Brats by Judith Warner and it really hit home. The theory is that French children more polite, follow instructions, and generally treat other people with greater respect. 


And she hits more nails on the head:


I find that learning that the world does not revolve around you is something that most of us Americans have difficulties with post High School. That trip to "find ourselves" by living out of a backpack and getting drunk on foreign alcohol or informing our parents that we need the "college experience" and thus they have to pay upwards of $20,000 a year for us to live in a dorm room. There is a sense of entitlement that our own parents are guilty of giving us.

Brazil is different. While all classes are heavily guilty of doting on their children, it is mainly with snacks and a lack of boundaries. But there is a beauty behind the method of madness here. Brazilian children are raised to be flexible. They will go with the flow at an adult party, finding something to play with. Except for in the upper classes, you will not see a Mother pull an ipad out of her purse, many times they don't even bring toys. The children are expected to find a way to amuse themselves. Normally they end up playing with other children in the same situation. 

It makes me wonder. Is my preparedness for my childrens' needs actually continuing this expectation that their whims should and must be met first? Unlike French parents, I almost always carry water just in case my boys get thirsty on the street. I usually have a small back up toy available in my purse for both. And I rarely push them to go to something that they openly don't want to.

Then I think, does it really matter anyway? Honestly, is my son going to become an ass when he grows up because his Mother could produce water upon request while at the park? Doubtful. It is also doubtful that he'll feel more loved. Basically he'll just not be thirsty at that given moment. 

Regardless, I do find that, while obviously different from France, Brazilian children are also taught some social graces. While I doubt they compare to the politeness of a little Parisian lad, Brazilian children are more casually comfortable socializing with adults. 

In Brazil children kiss all members of the family on the cheek and give a personal hello and goodbye. That means that at a family lunch my children, even the 3 yr old, will go around and give each of the 20 some odd people their a kiss and say hello. This is a cultural habit that I have personally enforced because I liked the idea of my boys giving that direct attention and learning that one must jump through some social hoops to make others happy.

This is something you would never see stateside. As a child I would walk into the home of a friend and maybe give a little wave but that was all. The expectation of a personal hello and having a casual chat with the grown ups is fabulous. Between this and the required sharing of all toys at the parks and beaches, I find that Brazilian children interact better with each other and adults than their American counterparts. 

All in all, I can not say that I would ever be capable of parenting as the French. I just really don't see the big deal in sitting in my childrens' room for 10 minutes as they go to sleep. I really really don't see how forcing them to sit and clean their plate does any sort of good. Of course that comes from a person who as a child that didn't eat onions nor tomatoes until she was in her 20s. Proud to say that I now LOVE both of them. 

Anyway, I do feel though that raising my children in Brazil has pushed me off the normal track of American parenting. Although it may have been towards the opposite side of the spectrum from the French, it's still getting the job done. I believe that we can all learn from how people in other places raise their children.

What about you? How do you raise your children? What rules are a must? And would you change your parenting style based on a book?

18 comments:

  1. Now that I live in France, I can no longer claim that French children are unfailingly polite, eat everything, etc. etc. However, I do think the American (and British) way of trying to be everything to one's children is making them less independent, less considerate of others, less gifted with social skills and so on. I am trying to incorporate a little of the best of child-rearing that I have seen in all of my native and adoptive countries. But will no doubt be accused by my kids that I ended up choosing the worst bits of each!

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    1. Lol! I figured that it was a bit of a generalization, although I did the same thing with Brazil. You are so spot on about the lack of independence. I am currently working on that with my 5 yr old.

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  2. the one comment I always get about my son from Brazilians is how independent he is (the implication being that Brazilian children are not as independent). Having just returned from a visit to the US, I felt my kid was less well-behaved than the norm and I realized that kids in Brazil and not expected to sit and be quiet like US kids (maybe that is the need for the Ipad and toys). A moderate level of kid noise and rambuction seems to be more tolerated in Brazil. I do agree with you about the greetings though, I don't see that as enforced in the US as it is in Brazil.

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    1. I've noticed that. Kids are expected to be kids here (and as I mentioned the lack of boundaries issue). Over all though, I find that they interact better with other kids. American kids are not necessarily good at sharing.

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  3. Why is sharing so important? I don't get it. Each kid has his/her own toy/s, perhaps they negociate a loan or exchange of some sorts during playtime, and if they don't that is fine as well.
    I think it is more important to teach kids the concept of private property, and the honoring of agreements (toy exchange during playtime, and returned in the same shape as they were delivered for example) then just deciding that all must share.
    Am I missing something?

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    1. If a child doesn't share they don't learn the lesson of honoring agreements or returning items in the condition they received them. They have to take part in the sharing activity to get that.

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  4. I think the big difference is that in France the idea is that children should be seen and not heard. This is not something I know from experience but from the "experts".

    I do agree the French insistence on the importance of maintaining a romantic relationship. Not only do they believe this but they actually make it a priority, and take action. I think it is really important while Americans make their lives revolve around the kids they don't realize that in the long run their relationship may suffer. Eventually the kids will suffer too, if it causes permanent rifts in the relationship and ultimately may cause a long downward spiral that may be a contributing factor to divorce. A shift needs to happen where people realize that in order to have a healthy, they need to make a romantic relationship a prority. So that the children can have a better chance of growing up in a two parent household, with loving happy parents.

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    1. My Mother told me this when I got married. She said that the parents together are what make it a family and thus we needed to work on that first and foremost.

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  5. I don't know much about French families. But children in Brazil as far as I have seen don't receive any kind of punishment for doing something wrong. OH, accept for the once and a while sandal spank. Usually given by an older kid in the family when the adults are not around or the father.

    I don't really think the sandal spank is effective form of punishment. I don't want to turn my kid into a lawyer by 5, but you have to reason with them what they have done. AND I think you need to warn them about what will happen. And follow through on it. My parents were the king and queen of empty punishments. I know how this works.

    It seems children here in Brazil kinda control the parents. And have weird co-dependency. One of my students bought an apartment and it took him two years to tell his parents. Then when he got the keys he got the nerve. He only goes there to sleep on night a week with his girlfriend. How strange. He is too afraid to go abroad and leave his parents for a month to travel.

    I do like how families are really close here. It's a super important value.

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    1. I definitely skipped over the dark side of Brazilian kids, though I did mention lack of boundaries...

      While flexible and social, many kids here do not have any consequences. Hell, people practically form a lynch mob when you put your kid in a time out at the park.

      Of course I still do it. It's the kind of Mom I am.

      On the other hand, my boys are much more accustomed to going out to restaurants and being in large social situations than many American kids I know. (of course you must ignore the fact that The Menace spent all of yesterday's lunch attempting to escape the restaurant. Bad days happen here too;).

      Once again somewhere in the middle seems like the best choice

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    2. fence hugging seems to always be the wiser choice.

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  6. As a third grade teacher, I see as many different parenting styles as you can count... one thing I can say is that culture really does impact one's parenting. Of course, their are cases that don't always follow the generalization, but depending on the make-up of my class for that year (primarily Hispanic or primarily Filipino or primarily Asian...) makes me as a teacher have to really adjust the way I interact/teach. Across cultural divides though I consistantly see things that lead to well-adjusted children and not-so-well-adjusted children. Helpful things: setting boundaries, having limits (such as bedtimes, etc.), always showing your child your love even when not happy with their actions, being a champion of their cause but letting them do the legwork. Not-helpful things: yelling or screaming (duh), running to their side the moment they have a problem or get hurt, assuming they are always right or always wrong instead of acknowledging they (like us) have good and bad moments.

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  7. I always had problems with cultural insertion and its influence. I always had problems about the Brazilian culture during my own upbringing. I think I stimulate that on my kids... self thinking. No, they are not raised the Brazilian way. (Yes, they are very friendly kids.) However, many times I think the Brazilian friendness is Oh-so-unnatural. The Dutch way has good and truly bad points... The kids around here are definitely not so charismatic ! Above all, I truly believe there is no "ideal upbringing" or "good mother".

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  8. As a brazilian and aunt I may say not always brazilian parents have been permissive with their children. What you expats see in Brazil is a culture change. Brazilians kids used to be more polite and respected adults. Unfortunately such thing has become even rarer. O Estatuto da Criança e do Adolescente (ECA) - The Statute of the Child and the Adolescent - has turning parenting more difficult and newer parents don't like to set boundaries to their children. Things will get worse with Lei da Palmada (Slap Act).
    Evelin.

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  9. Although I live in France I can't attest to the details of what goes on in their homes relative to meals. I can just say that MOST of the kids I've met are polite and know good manners when greeting an adult. There is the obligatory two kisses on the cheek and speaking briefly with the adult. Of course kids want to be somewhere else and not with adults. That's natural. We adults are boring to them talking about things that don't interest them. However, it's always dangerous to generalize when saying all French kids are like this or that, etc. It really depends on the social education the partnets give to their children. I have a friend who didn't give his kids a lot of social education and is showed. The other important thing here is parental and teacher discipline. Kids learn to respect adults. In the US kids don't seem to respect anyone, adult or their compatriots. I think they need to go to military style boot camp for six months to instill respect for authority before they start their life. I noted this as I went along in my career as a manager. The younger they were, the less respect they showed and the more undisciplined they were.

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  10. I find that Brazilian children interact better with each other and adults than their American counterparts. i totally agree

    They can have a conversation with a distant family member or a totally stranger and are much better at sharing toys. American kids dont do that.

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  11. Gritty, I agree with you 100% While sharing is an important quality to learn, private property and boundaries is infinitely more important. After all, what one shares is their private property. I've noticed in the Carioca culture, kids almost never ask permission to use/play with other person's things. While this may be ok in Rio, it is a definite no no in other cultures - especially in the US.

    Discipline in child rearing is another issue I have with the Carioca culture. Cariocas seem oblivious to teaching or even accepting that all actions have consequences. While this may work in the culture of "jetinho" and lax rules - it cannot transfer nor does it bode well for anyone raised in such a culture to move and live in other cultures without some severe personal adjustment.

    I believe that the environment in which my parents raised my siblings and myself (with discipline, responsibility, respect and consequences) is more conducive to a better adjusted/adaptable individual. Without this background, making it through undergrad and law school would have been impossible.

    This is definitely one of the greater cultural divides between the US and Carioca culture (at least for those of us raised "old school" style).

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  12. Every Sunday theres a huge family lunch at grandma's, and everyone shows up ( over 20 relatives or so, Italian style) And as I kid I would give each one of them a kiss on the cheeck right upon arrival. My cousins and I still have to do it ! It's really tiresome, but it doesn't feel like Family Lunch if personal greetings are not given. The elders, especially grandparents, receive special greetings: we kiss their hands and ask for blessing, it's more respectful. And now my cousins have taught their children to do the same thing! It's a cycle. I thought it was like that everywhere, apparently not. I have to travel outside Brazil more often

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