The Boob Whisperer

Hello, I am the Boob Whisperer.

I am the Pied Piper of the breast.

You see, I go places and breasts come to me.  I don't seek them out, and I most certainly don't holler their name.  They just come to me, like moths to a flame. And they are always naked. It really makes for a different kind of moment

Let me give you an example.  Last night, I was coming home from a candlelit plantation tour in the middle of nowhere, of the middle of nowhere Maryland. Oh yes, costumes, confederates, and all.  We were really out there, both figuratively and literally. It was an interesting and fun experience.

Anyway, to get home, we had to drive down this dark country road. It was a foggy night and no one was out.  I look out my window for a brief moment and there is a woman standing in her bedroom window, topless, for all the world to see. One minute I was seeing trees, the next an eyeful of boob.  In her defense, I bet only her second and third cousins go down that country road.

My husband, poor man, cried his typical, it's so unfair cry. Why was I the only one who saw them?  What magic do I possess?  You see, he is a lover of breasts, believing a bad pair does not exist. Bless his soul.  And they are all being wasted on his straight wife's eyes. I swear, he would be a much happier man if I were a little bi and could share the same pleasure in them.

At least I get pleasure in laughing at his reaction after each boob exposure.  As a Boob Whisperer, these stories pop up when you least expect it.  Maybe it's a friend of a friend who enthusiastically shows me her  fake breasts, and insists I touch them. Awkward! Of course, I do.  It would be 21st century rude not to.

It could be a wardrobe malfunction, a VERY enthusiastic Brazilian hook up/boob slip, or a simple accidental boob grab of a neighbor. I really don't know why it happens to me but it does. It's like the psychics who have spirits talk to them, except mine are breasts and they just stare at me.

Well, it could be worse.  I could be getting an eyeful of plumbers butt.

Bra Science

For those of you non-bra wearers or males, finding the correct bra is a science. It's like the neuroscience of the breasts.  And finding one in Brazil is even more of a headache.

I had only just figured out bra science of the US. The whole cup and rip cage stuff. Imagine my surprise when I came down here and saw that bras were in one size and that was a 40, 44, or something like that.

What about the cup? Isn't the actual boulder holder part of the bra the most important? And there is no size for that?!  

I think that is why many women in Brazil suffer from the ever serious problem called Quad-boob.  As much as most of you males think that 4 boobs would look great. I mean, the more the merrier, right?

Wrong! It's like S&M of the breast, only no pleasure... not that I imagine S&M is pleasurable in and of itself.

These poor breast look like caged tigers trying to escape the circus.  It's a horrible tragedy, especially in the eyes of this small breasted woman.  If I had girls like that, they would be cupped and caressed by their bra, equally balanced between display and support.  

But this bra plight is not just with the large breasted Brazilian woman. The bra of the small breasted is even worse. We're talking fields and fields of cotton being used to fill the mounds they call cups.  They are so padded I can hardly fit my half sized girls in them.  And we can all tell it's all stuffing. I really don't feel comfortable walking around looking falsely aerodynamic.

Of course I could go into the fancy underwear shops in the mall. I did once. I had the same problems and I really didn't appreciate a R$200 price tag. The girls did, however, look fabulous. The stuffing is made of much better cotton in the fancy stores.  It was one of those bras that would make a guy pick a girl up in a bar and then wonder where her breasts went once he took her home. Gosh, that brings me back to my twenties...

Anyway, this girl has stopped her half-assed Brazilian bra hunt and judgments over quad-boob.  It's not their fault!  They are only a product of their bra surroundings.  Luckily, I get to go home and buy overpriced bras in my own country.  It's ok though, I'm willing to pay extra for the cup size and professional sizer.  A girl only gets one set of breasts, until she manages to save up to buy some new ones, so it's best to take care of them.

Google search

So everyone who writes a blog wants their blog to come up in Google searches. Mine did the other day! I was so excited, then I saw what the search was:  Boob Grab in Public. There was another google search: Accidental Boob Grab. So the secret to getting your blog on google, talk about boobs. Oh boobs, they find us men, feed our children, and now get us googled.