5 Years Ago Today...

5 Years Ago Today My Life Changed:

He came out of me screaming like a 60 yr old drunk and slightly overweight Irish man. Momma was proud.

He was a late talking and I was concerned. Of course he did eventually start and never ever ever stopped, ie. the nickname Chatterbox. He obviously gets this from his Father.

He is a great partner in crime, often inspiring the crime itself.

He is a total suck up when it comes to teachers and such but I swear it is in an endearing way. That or as his Mother I just can't see it. Hmmmm, what would Freud say will come of this dynamic? Maybe...

"A man who has been the indisputable favorite of his mother keeps for life the feeling of a conqueror. "
Sigmund Freud (FYI, Totally NOT a Freud fan)

You should also know that he is obsessed with Fusilli pasta and not surprisingly has requested it as his birthday breakfast. 

Honestly, I could go on and on about this little man. I find him so unique and wonderful, even when he is being a total pain in the ass (he also gets that from his Father, I swear). My life changed dramatically when he entered into this world and 5 years later he is still one of the two best things I have ever done! 

Happy Birthday Chatterbox! 

Happy Birthday to Me!

Classy from a young age

Since it is my birthday I thought I would make this blog post totally 100% about me. It is my birthday after all.

So here you go!

Things you didn't know about me:

15. I like to call men's underwear panties.

14. I'd move to Europe in a minute if we could.

13. One of my favorite places in Brazil is Buzios.

12. I would so get a boob job if anesthesia didn't scare the crap out of me.

11. I hate whistling. If you want to annoy me, you now know how to do it.

10. I can play a mean game of Super Trump (super trunfo in Portuguese)

9. I have an endlessly empty stomach, especially for junk food. You should see me at Brazilian children's bday parties. This will bite me in the ass eventually.

8. I LOVE cottage cheese. Love it, would roll in it, and would eat it daily (with celery salt of course).

7. I hate celebrating my birthday with a big birthday party. Makes me weirdly uncomfortable. I like to keep the day low key.

6. I was once told by a tattoo artist that I have perfect skin for tattoos.

5. With both of my children, my left armpit smelled seriously rank at the beginning of my pregnancy. It was actually why I suspected my second pregnancy.

4. I have a weird thing about picking at my nails. I can't help it. I'm super fidgety and they get the brunt of it.

3. My brothers' nickname for me as a kid was Poop.

2. I hate bugs. Love the outdoors but hate the bugs that come with them. By the way, the bugs in Rio are on crack! Not fun.

1. I  have to sleep with one foot out from under the blanket. Oh, and no socks! 

Happy Birthday Mr. Rant!

Happy Birthday to one of my all time favorite people, Mr. Rant! My darling husband is halfway to 70 today! I know it's easier to say 35 years old but that just doesn't have the same ring.

In honor of his birthday, I thought it would be fun for all of you to get to know Mr. Rant a little better. In order to do this, I am going to answer these randomly chosen "getting to know you" questions for him.

What was your favorite food when you were a child?
Rice, beans, farofa, and carne asada - made by my Mother. Only trumped by Cozido or feijoada made by my Grandmother. 

What’s your favorite indoor/outdoor activity?
Going to the beach, especially diving in the waves. I also love going to the stadium to cheer on Botafogo, so much so that it drives the Mrs a little crazy. You'd think she'd be used to it by now. 

What chore do you absolutely hate doing?
All of the above. Ok, to be fair that is Rachel saying it because he doesn't do any. I'm not bitter. Nope, can't complain at all since he works fulltime, I'm at home, and I have a maid twice a week. Nope, can't complain at all and I never do... I swear! 

What is your favorite form of exercise?
It was Capoeira but I haven't practiced in a while. I currently use stress and running around the entire city to meetings as my cardio. My strength training is lifting my small children and throwing them around, getting them totally wound up before bedtime. I do, however, manage to make this wrestling incredibly charming and sweet looking, even though we are play beating the crap out of each other. 

What is your favorite time of day/day of the week/month of the year?
Mornings when they are slow and lazy, which they never are anymore. Day of the week would have to be Saturday for obvious reasons. Month of the year... I'm going to take a stab at this one with January.  

What is your favorite body part?
This would have to be my wife's legs. You didn't say that it had to be on my body. 

What sound do you love?
The sound of Botafogo fan screaming GOOOOOOLLLLL. See a trend here people? 

If you could paint a picture of any scenery you’ve seen before, what would you paint?
The sunset I saw in Greece. It was amazing! Rachel has heard two versions of this experience, one that I saw it with a female friend and the other that I saw it with my brother. Interesting. 

If you knew the world was ending in 2012, what would you do differently?
I would quit my job and start creating our home base out in the country. We'd start planting, get water, and train the family in fire arm usage. My weapon of choice is a machete, although that's more for zombies invasions. 

If you could learn to do anything, what would it be?
I would love to know how to play the violin and piano perfectly. I would also enjoy knowing how to read my wife's mind. I think she would benefit as much as I would from this, although I'm a bit scared to see what's going on in there. 

If you had to work on only one project for the next year, what would it be?
A home for street kids. This is close to my heart and one day I will open a place that will take them in, treat them well, give them a home, and help them start a life for themselves. 

If you were immortal for a day, what would you do?
Throw myself down some ridiculously difficult and high slope on my snowboard. 

If you won the lottery, what is the first thing you would do?
Pay off any debt of my parents and brother. I would also buy some really freaking cool gadgets. 

If you were reincarnated as an animal/drink/ice cream flavor, what would it be?
Wolf/Limonada Suiça/Vanilla 

If you could be any fictional character, who would you choose?
Wolverine

Which celebrity do you get mistaken for?
A young Richard Gere

What do you want to be when you grow up?
An independently wealthy, world-traveling philanthropist 

When you have 30 minutes of free-time, how do you pass the time?
I watch 30 minutes of a movie or Parks and Recreation. If I haven't already, I read about Botafogo. 

What would you name the autobiography of your life?
Who's Calling me Panties? 

What songs are included on the soundtrack to your life?
Foo Fighters Everlong, and many more. 

Is a picture worth a thousand words?
Depends on how good the picture is

The best part of waking up is?
Rolling over and going back to sleep

Happy 60th Bithday Dad!

Today is my Dad's 60th Birthday and that is something that makes me miss being at home.

So Dad, since I'm not there with you on your birthday, I wanted to share some of the memories of you that I carry around with me.

* I loved the videos you sent while on cruise.  Dad would talk to us and give us a tour of his little bunk. Our drawings and picturs were always up on his wall and it gave us a glimpse at his daily life.

* It was awesome getting our own postcards from where you went!  Dad always sent one to each of his little spawns.

* Cruising around in the Opal was always a good time. I really thought I was going to get that car, even though I was 6. In Dad's defense, he had to sell it before my oldest brother turned 16.  That brother has a taste for speed and they thought he'd end up dying in it.  Poor Dad, I swear he shed a tear watching it drive away.

* Candy at the supermarket. Dad always let me pick a candy bar when he had to stop for something at the store.

* Pool Mondays. When Dad was in town, he'd take all of us to free swim at the pool on Mondays. We could each invite a friend.  This automatically made our Dad one of the coolest.

* Dad always came to all my track meets.  He'd show up and be the only guy in a suit.  It was awesome!

* When I took zero period Junior year of High School, Dad used to drive me to class before he left for work. We always took a detour to Starbucks before we both started our early day.

* Dad scared the crap out of my first date. Thankfully, I am at the point where I can laugh about it now. He pulled the total military 'Son, what are your intentions with my daughter.' Not to mention, he taught our Rotti to snarl on command. My date happened to be scared of dogs. That was our first and last date.

* Dad is lucky I have a sense of humor because while displaying said snarl to my second date, our Rotti jumped up and bit the head off of the rose he had brought me. It was hilarious. Of course not to him.  Poor guy looked so deflated standing at the door with a broken rose!

Daddy this is just a small example of the memories I have. You've always been the man in my life that I could run to with anything.  You've supported me regardless of agreeing with me. And you've always been there to get me out of trouble if I need it.  I love you and am so happy that I get to call you my Dad!

Happy Birthday 60th Birthday!

The whitest little Brazilian ever born...

My youngest baby is turning 2 years old tomorrow. The whitest little Brazilian ever born...

First off, he made me put on a TON of weight. His little hands reached out of my Vag and put the snacks right into my mouth. It was a little awkward at first but I felt he was doing it in his best interest.

As it turns out, it was not for him. Shocking, not just to you but to me too, I gained a plump 22 kilos (45lbs) and he wasn't a 5 kilos (11lbs) baby as my head told me he would be.  Weird, I think it may have been my ass, using my fetus' phone, requesting the food. Go figure.

So he popped out at a healthy 3.68 kilos (8.1lbs).  Blond hair, blue eyes, and type O, thank goodness we had already settled maternity pre-birth.  It looked as if my husband and Mother had fathered a child, using my uterus of course. Kind of creepy, but he's cute enough to pull it off.

Now the feisty little man is turning two.

Oh and is he feisty. He uses facial expressions his Father could never get away with. He melts my heart with his little swagger.  And hell hath no furry like this boy making drama.

Before kids, you never knew such a strong personality fit into something the size of a shoe box.  And after, you can't remember how life existed before them.

Baby Sass, you can make me smile in the middle of the night after waking up 3 times in a row.  Your snuggles could defrost even the crankiest of Mommy hearts. And your spirit, well, I'm afraid that may be capable of moving walls.  

I never quite know what you'll do next and I love it. You add 25 lbs of spontaneity, feist, and love to my life.

To the happiest and smiliest little man a Mommy could ask for, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

First day of spring and my big boy is 4!

Four years ago today I waddled into the public hospital and had my oldest! 

He was 42 weeks late. Thank goodness the hospital got a great shot of the penis during the ultrasound because all Brazilian women over the age of 50 were insisting he was girl. Only girls are late. 

Come to think of it, happened with my youngest too. He had his legs crossed for the first 6 months.  This time almost all Brazilian women insisted that Rafa was a girl because girls are modest, not boys. 

Apparently I have effeminate boys.  Maybe that´s why my oldest learned how to put the toilet seat down after use so easily...


Anyway, Happy birthday to my boy! (even if you can´t read this). 

Oops

So a couple of friends decided to take me to lunch for my birthday yesterday. I got all dolled up and headed over to Ipanema to be a lady that lunches for a day.

Of course, since it´s my birthday, my friend opened some champagne to toast me before lunch.  Then once we arrive at lunch, the white wine flowed like water. A good time was had by all. 

Then 5pm rolled around and I had to remember I am a Mommy. I hopped into a cab to rush over to the school. Amazing how a couple of glasses of wine will make you forget the time.  But I was fine, I kept telling myself. 

And I was.  I had a light buzz going on but nothing irresponsible. 

I don´t know what happened the moment I entered the school but that light felt much heavier. I felt like a 16 year old that had just snuck off campus to smoke a cigarette during break. Omg, I couldn´t be buzzed at my kids´school! That´s just wrong! 

That´s when I remembered I live in Brazil. If it were the US, Child services would have been called and I would have to explain the whole, I just turned 30 and I swear I only had 2, maybe 3 glasses!  Then again, the school has wild monkeys running around. They show the kids and think it´s cute. In my country, Animal services would be called and those cute little things would be tasered and dragged away. 

So what have I learned? I´ve learned that Brazil is a much safer place for a celebrating Mom and cute wild animals.  Thank goodness for that!

Happy Birthday to me!

I started this morning with a fresh pair of underwear. I feel the first day of 30ies is like the first day of school, needs the freshest undies you´ve got.  Not that I`m implying that I don´t change them regularly in the first place.

So another year old and, from what I can tell, a bit wiser. At least if you are comparing the 19 to 20 yr old Rachel to the 29 to 30 year old Rachel.  Amazing how much we change in what is, in the vast scheme of things, a very small amount of time.

One of these days, I´ll be in my 70s and my 30s will be a distant memory.  Well, unless I have dementia and I think I`m 30 again. Now that wouldn´t be too bad, would it?

Anyway, Happy Birthday to me!  May this next year be full of interesting experiences that fill this blog with funny enough posts.

Party or Disney?

My student and I were talking about rights of passage in class yesterday.  A significant one in Brazil is a girl´s 15th birthday.  It´s basically the Brazilian version of our sweet 16 but much cooler and pretty hardcore. We´re talking big money, not that it´s new by way of birthday parties here. If you have kids, you´ve been to the R$3,000 plus bday parties that many people throw every year... even for 1 year olds.  Scratch that, especially for 1 year olds.

Anyway, we were talking about how it´s become some what of a tradition that these 15 year olds can choose between the big party or a trip to Disney World with their friends.  Isn´t that kind of ironic? They can either have the big party displaying them as a " woman" or go to the happiest place on Earth filled with families and small children. 

My husband put a different spin on it. At 19, he got the coolest job in the world for a Brazilian teen.  He lived in Orlando and was paid to go around with Brazilian groups and videotape their time in Disney world.  People, you don´t even want to know the trouble your kids get into on these trips.

His point is that they are not choosing something innocent and childlike in the slightest, they are choosing freedom from their parents. They are sent with little to no supervision and get to run around in what the parents consider a safe environment. And let´s be honest, what trouble can they really get into in Disney world? 

 

Happy Birthday Daniel!

Happy Birthday my wonderful husband!  34 years and counting! 

Enjoying sleeping in and getting your special breakfast and lunch!  Hell, you may even get a little something something after the kids are in bed. It may not be make up something something but birthday something something is almost just as good. 

It's your birthday and is a very special day! You can sleep, watch all the World Cup games you want to watch, determine when we leave for the family lunch in you honor and when we come home.  The world is at your command!  No dishes for you to wash, no laundry for you to fold.  Just keep one thing in mind, after all this fun, I'm taking tomorrow off!

Love you Mr!