Happy Birthday to Me!

Classy from a young age

Since it is my birthday I thought I would make this blog post totally 100% about me. It is my birthday after all.

So here you go!

Things you didn't know about me:

15. I like to call men's underwear panties.

14. I'd move to Europe in a minute if we could.

13. One of my favorite places in Brazil is Buzios.

12. I would so get a boob job if anesthesia didn't scare the crap out of me.

11. I hate whistling. If you want to annoy me, you now know how to do it.

10. I can play a mean game of Super Trump (super trunfo in Portuguese)

9. I have an endlessly empty stomach, especially for junk food. You should see me at Brazilian children's bday parties. This will bite me in the ass eventually.

8. I LOVE cottage cheese. Love it, would roll in it, and would eat it daily (with celery salt of course).

7. I hate celebrating my birthday with a big birthday party. Makes me weirdly uncomfortable. I like to keep the day low key.

6. I was once told by a tattoo artist that I have perfect skin for tattoos.

5. With both of my children, my left armpit smelled seriously rank at the beginning of my pregnancy. It was actually why I suspected my second pregnancy.

4. I have a weird thing about picking at my nails. I can't help it. I'm super fidgety and they get the brunt of it.

3. My brothers' nickname for me as a kid was Poop.

2. I hate bugs. Love the outdoors but hate the bugs that come with them. By the way, the bugs in Rio are on crack! Not fun.

1. I  have to sleep with one foot out from under the blanket. Oh, and no socks! 

Shit Happens especially on Mondays

My kid crapped on the sidewalk. Oh yes, he pulled a move that flustered the crap out of me (or him depending on how you look at it).

You see, my 2 yr old has entered the potty training stage. It's a moment that horrifies the strongest of us Mommies as it is the most inconvenient thing in the world. This really does go double in Rio de Janeiro. Not only are there a lack of public bathrooms, most are not really where you would like your adorable toddler's toosh to sit. Hey, and even when there's a good one it could be closed for no reason at all.

So when I saw my little one take the squat position next to the benches by the play area, I panicked like a virgin. I literally picked him up by the armpits and spun him around in a circle while I looked for a good option. There were none. The Mommies, always an understanding bunch, pointed me to the semi-isolated tree.  I ran but the worst was already done. The pee tree could not save me.

Yes, a pee tree. Seeing that there are no easy access bathrooms near the play area, many Moms and Nannies have allowed kids to pee on the tree. Don't you dare judge us until you are in our position. Pee happens a lot, especially in hot climates where children drink a ton of water.

Poop is a different story however. Of course the worst was past, or so I thought. I was offered baggies from two friends. We all try to be somewhat prepared for this kind of thing. Of course I wasn't today. As I tried to find the last of whatever wipies remained in the stroller, quick poo number two plopped out onto the sidewalk.

I was without words or actions. There were no hoses, or anywhere to wash it into. A bucket of water would only bring it closer to the kids playing in the sand. With the help of some equally stumped friends, we covered it with a newspaper. The plan developed from there and the majority was wiped with said newspaper while the rest was covered in sand. There's a theory behind this but I'm sure you really don't want to know.

The beauty in all this is that at least we weren't in the US. I feel my child and I would have been excommunicated from the sacred church of the park. Here my friends mocked me in a good spirited way. The way one does when they are eternally grateful that it's not them in the situation.

Before you get horrified by my story, check out China!

I just hope this isn't a sign of how my week is going to go. 

The Baby and the Poop

Good Morning all!  So I planned on taking Thursday down but I'm going to forfeit now.  My littlest one is still a little poop factory. I'm bummed that I can no longer blame it on the whole mango juice debacle.  It's been over 24 hrs and we are still pooping (the royal we). 

And how does the little man feel about this?  He seems just fine. He's in a good mood. He's running around. And, most importantly, he ate breakfast!  I fed him eggs.  I read in a wonderful book called Toddler 411 that eggs are good for the poops.  Btw, the pediatrician said to do the BRAT diet but I don't believe it. Goes back to the whole stubborn thing.

I do avoid triggers but I don't limit.  Call it what you will. I don't feel it's right to give my little poop machine apples, bananas, toast, and rice only.  He can't even eat apples.

So what would you do in my situation? It's 730am and we're already at 2 in the poop count, not counting the poop at 2am.  Would you do the BRAT diet?  Would you feed them something special?

I am giving him coconut water and floratil (something for a healthy intestine)

Mango does a body Poo?

So I'm trying to wean my youngest from his one night time bottle.  I've replaced it with juice and am watering it down slowly.  You should know my youngest has a very stubborn case of silent reflux that just isn't going away.  It's like the skavies of infant acid reflux, keeps showing up just when you thought you were cured.

Anyway, I had been using grape juice because he seemed to be able to handle it.  Well, he had a flare up a couple of days ago after over a month without.  I decided that it could be the grape juice. Makes sense, right?  So I switched to boxed mango juice. Keep in mind the juice selection for him is quite limited.

Not a good idea. Being the brilliant Mother that I am, I forgot that Mango is supposed to clean you out.  Regardless, I'm not one to believe those wives' tales told by woman who actually know what they are talking about.  I'm just a big old stubborn ass who likes to learn on her own. At least I can find the humor in my discoveries. Or my husband can because he was the lucky one with first shift this morning.

My little one woke up as a poop factory at 5am.  I know what you are thinking, fun way to start your day.

It was out of control.  I was on 2nd shift this morning because my baby required night duty attendance, and I heard my husband open lucky diaper number 2 (I only found out it was number 2 later).  I was dozing back off when I heard "Holy Crap! Holy Crap! Holy Crap!" I'm not going to describe in detail what he saw but it was enough for me to warn you about the cleaning power of mango juice.

Life changing since becoming a Mom

In honor of Mother's Day, I wanted to write about one of the biggest changes I've experienced since becoming a Mother.  Oh I'm not going to get all corny on you...

I miss the sanctity of the bathroom.  You know, going in, sitting down, reading a good article, and basically getting business done. That's all gone down, well, the crapper since I've had kids. 

My last poo was spent in conversation with my preschooler. Of all the places to ask for my attention.   

It went kind of like this:

"Honey, go play.  Mommy is busy"

"But Mommy, I need to talk to you."

"Whaaaaaaaat do you neeeeed to talk to me aboouuut?"

"I don't know."

"What doooo you mean you don't know uggg?"

"What's for lunch?"

"gggggg, Mommy is in the middle of something"

"Let's go play"

Apparently Mommy isn't interesting unless she is on the phone, cooking dinner, or laying a... you get the idea.

I look forward to the days when I bust the bathroom door open and receive protests in my direction. Payback will be a bitch... Oh will it ever. 

Happy Mother's Day to all the Mommies out there! May you get your 5 minutes of peace and quiet to do with what you will.