Embarrassing your Master will get you Extra Spanks.

It´s not always fun being the foreigner, especially when you are trying to say something. 

Other times, it´s hilarious to the non-native speaker!

Take today for example. I went to pilates class and was faced with a new teacher. A new, not bad looking, charming, and very male teacher.  Whatever, happily married with babies (but not dead thank you very much).

It was the beginning of class and I was being uncomfortably stared at... in my head.  It is his job to make sure we are doing things correctly.  He basically gets to put us in very unforgiving and sometimes sexual positions and then watch us struggle. What my immense enjoyment in this sadomasochistic exercise says about me, I do not know.  Maybe I´m just must be a pervert.

But before you judge me, what would you think if you saw me holding a bar hanging from the top of a table where I am laying down. Now I put my feet on the same bar, legs slightly spread apart, and start doing some sort of sit up right into my crotch.  I mean, my ass was just up and hanging out there.  I`m horrible but, at that moment, I really did think that this kind of table should double as a motel toy. 

Anyway, during one of my stretching exercises, I apparently didn´t do something correctly.  He asked me about holding something while I breathed out.  I had no freaking clue what he was talking about. My abs? I know I have to do a snazzy little thing with them but I thought I was already. He told me no no and then said the PC Portuguese words again.  I was still drawing a blank.

He then thought it was a good idea to point at what he was talking about.  Midway to my vagina, he decided it wasn´t a good idea. 

I was really curious after that! Am I supposed to tighten my vagina?  That really wasn´t going to help my view of pilates!

He finally seemed to find a path he was comfortable with and told me I´m supposed to tighten the thing that holds my bladder and muttered sphincter in English.

Ohhhhhhh, I totally know what that is! 

Alas, it was too late. The poor man was just as embarrassed as a 13 year old girl who got her period at the school dance.  Amazing too because, in my experience, Brazilians do not embarrass that easily. 

It took all the 2 ounces of maturity that I have not to laugh every time I thought of it. I couldn´t help myself. I would breath out, stretch, and think don´t forget your vagina Rachel! 

Hey, I said I only have 2 ounces of maturity, didn´t I! 

Pilates: Healthy or Hot?

So I have my first ever pilates class this afternoon. It´s one of those try it out and see if you like it classes the specialty gyms let you do in Rio de Janeiro. I´m excited and I have no idea why. I´ve never done pilates before. I know it is "core" training but that´s about it.

I really just hope that I don´t pass gas during class. It would be possible with all the leafy greens I´m eating. And why on Earth did I decide to eat cabbage for lunch when I knew I´d be strapped to machines later in the day. I swear, I´m a glutton for punishment.  

And you know, with this cleanse, and pilates, I´m turning into one of two things. Either a total and complete body obsessed Patricinha* (minus being rich) or an Alternative health person.

Let´s see how these 10 days roll.  If I start getting my nails done and going shopping for new closes to fit my healthier body, Patricinha it is.  If I make appointments for myself, my children, and my husband to all see an acupuncturist, then Health person wins out.

By the way, my Mother in Law would be so stoked if I turned to Chinese Medicine.  It would just make her tea boil. 

Funny thing is, both types of people happily co-inhabit Rio de Janeiro. We are a hub for the body conscious, both the superficially and the health obsessed. 

Personally, I hope to find myself somewhere in between.  I hope to live a healthier life and not depend on coffee as a jump start each morning.  I also hope to get my flat stomach back. Yes, I want a miracle that removes the extra fluidity of my stomach muscles after carrying two children.   

Can´t we have it all? I´m sure a salon providing mani pedis and colonics would do splendidly in Zona Sul. 
I can see it now. Get the shit cleaned out of your nails and yourself, all at the same time.


* Patricinha is slang for a conceited, rich, and usually very attractive woman. They normally have super tight bodies, dress nicely, and have very little to say.  The male version is a Play Boy. 

Project work out

So I´m finally going to try to get back in shape after my second child.  I figure this second child is almost 2 now so maybe I should get on it already.

But what to do?!  I feel like I have an endless amount of options in Laranjeiras/Flamengo alone

I checked out a dance studio near my place. It looked good but I just couldn´t see myself busting out belly dancing.  That´s the spot that I feel needs the most work, like I want to show it off and shake the jelly around. Going to have to go with no.

I did find out that they have half off pilates (during certain hours) at the same studio. Of course all the slots were full.  I really wanted to have a go at those pilates machines! And it´s "core" exercising, right?  I´m on the waiting list. 

Ok, so that leaves me with the gym.  Oh man, I really don´t think I can pull that one off again. Weights and cardio, aerobics and weird sweaty old dudes asking me where I´m from every freakin´ day.  I just don´t have the stamina anymore to pump myself up literally and figuratively.  Next

Running?  I tried but the whole self motivation thing is really challenging my exhaustion and laziness.  Not to mention my bad hips.

Yoga... Walk softly and carry a big stick, so here I go. I hate it. Oops, that wasn´t soft at all. It´s so boring people!  And so stretchy. Stretchy and boring!  Man, I´m never going to be in the cool crowd, am I?

Rock climbing. I´ve tried that before. Coordination and chafing issues.

So what to do?!  I really want to get some muscle tone back and just improve my overall shape.  My goal is to have it figured out this week.  I have around 4 months until we go stateside for a Christmas visit. I will gain at least 10lbs on this trip.  It happens every time. I don´t know how.  I think it´s magic. Or maybe it´s the 200 boxes of pop-tarts I consume upon landing. 

Anyway, any suggestions would be welcome. Let´s figure out Rachel´s workout plan!