I Love my Gyno

My gynecologist believes that I am becoming Brazilian. No, my pap smear did not come out green and yellow.

So I had an appointment to see her this morning at 830am. Seeing that I am an early riser and Mr. Rant has to be at work by 10am at the latest (more like 1015. Now he is Brazilian) I schedule my appointments early.

This morning Mr. Rant was a super champ. I only had to nudge him once and he was up with The Menace (we take turns being the first one up). Chatterbox woke up closely there after and came to ask if I would get up with him. Screw that. Of course I sound far more loving while saying it to my child.

So I finally drag my sorry ass out of bed thinking it must be like 730am or something like that. Come to find out it was 840am. I was already 10 minutes late. I was just about to call and apologize for missing my appointment when Mr. Rant scoffed at me. Seriously, like a real old fashioned scoff.

"You're in Brazil. You aren't even late. Just go now."

I love a good pap smear as much as the next girl and decided to give it a go. I really didn't think my doctor would be able to see me as she is one of the more organized Brazilian doctors when it comes to her time. Honestly, I chose her because when I was pregnant I had some seriously bad 'I hate Brazil and am going to smack somebody' moments. Waiting for 2 hours at the gyno would certainly bring those up.

I finally arrived around 850am.  My doctor opened the door announcing, loudly, that "So you are Brazilian now!"

I laughed. For starters she doesn't normally answer the door and secondly she is right. I'd NEVER do that my country. Hell, you lose the appointment half the time if you don't show up 15 minutes early. I laughed and apologized for being late. I even started to go into the reason when she cut me off laughing and said "Now you're really Brazilian." FYI, I was blaming my husband.

As we sat down at her desk she semi-seriously said "Please do not pick up on some of the bad habits we Brazilians have. We're supposed to be getting better, not turning the foreigners."

I love my gyno. 

I Was Played

I don't know if you remember my post about my standoff with Mr. Rant's Grandmother over goodie bags. If you don't, I said that I had thought that I had outsmarted her. I was sure that I had guarded those bad boys with the skill of a well oiled machine.

I should have known better. Today we had lunch with her at her apartment. At some point during the post meal digesting and chatting period the Grandma starting pulling out the toys that were given in the goodie bags. She was giving them to my boys to play with.

My guess is that she was going for the second bag when I snagged her.

Well played Granny! Well played!

The Standoff

Last night I had the standoff of my year. It was between me and the Grandmother of Mr. Rant, the Great-Grandmother of the Chatterbox.

You see, she steals goodie bags. I guess you can't say she steals them but actually takes them to give them to other random children like her maid's kids and such.

It really is a cultural thing. All Brazilians have this idea that they are entitled to a goodie bag if they should even know of a child around the age of the birthday boy. This is normally ok but I am that weird Mother who takes her kid's goodie bags way too seriously. No crap, nothing that doesn't even work when you take it out, and definitely not all candy.

This year my parents were rock stars and mailed a box of US goodies you just can't find here. We're talking sticky hands, flyers, and finger flashlights among other things. So when I managed to only make 48 goodie bags, and at least 40 kids were definitely showing up, I knew I'd have to take the Monarch down.

It's not as easy as it sounds. Trust me! When your child's Brazilian Great-Grandmother makes a request, you do not say no! For example, when she makes an effort to bring you a cup canjica she sweetly made for the party, even though it really doesn't go with your beer and hot dog, you eat it. It's just how things roll.

So when she came up and requested a couple of goodie bags I had to hold my ground. Honestly, I had to picture crying children and Mr. Rant scolding me for not being more prepared. I told her "Sorry Grandma but there may not be enough bags. More people came than expected but if any are left over I will bring them over to your place on Monday."

Of course she replied "oh but only 2. For sure 2 is ok."

"Sorry Grandma, I can't. I don't know if we have enough. I promise you will be the first to know if any are left over though!"

A short time later I finally got to leave my goodie bag post as people were not hovering over me like happy cake fed vultures.

The moment I left the table I turned back. Call it instinct, call it knowing better, call it life experience. There circling the good bag box was the Great-Grandma. She was slow, smooth, and innocent but I knew better.

When I sauntered up to the table I got the famous granny 'You may have caught me but I'm too damn cute for you to say anything grin' and she shuffled away. This much sass from an 87 yr old. I would love to have seen her at 20!

By the way, I had the perfect number of gift bags! 48 bags to 48 kids exactly! 

Stream of Consciousness Sunday: Bilingual Children

My 4 yr old, the Chatterbox, has declared his love for the Portuguese language. I initially thought that it was a good thing seeing that he had left his "native" language and has favored English since 3.

Well times are a changing because he also declared that he does not want to speak English anymore. It was adorable to see him assert himself like that. But like a true Mother looking out for his best interest, I became the first woman to stomp on his dreams.

At least I was kind enough to explain. I told him that he would forget his English. I reminded him that Grandma and Poppi, as well as Uncles Pat, Terry, and Jeremy do not speak Portuguese. He relented but was positive that he would not forget English. It is such a simple language. I think all my past English students felt a tickle up their spines at that very moment.

His reasoning was that Portuguese has MUCH better words! It is so much more fun to speak in Portuguese. I really can appreciate that. Portuguese is a very colorful language. I'm also glad that him and his Brother won't have my late in life experience in learning this "colorful" language. You see, Portuguese has a lot of great words, conjugations, and expressions. It is especially fun to talk shit with. Of course, to learn it in your 20s makes it less fun and more of a bitch.

Actually, more like being bitch slapped by some evil bitch. Yes, that was my first impression of the language. Thankfully we have gotten to know each other better, gone out for a couple of drinks, enjoyed a few bases, and now are on speaking terms.

Of course, we must remember, this is Portuguese. That Ho could turn on me at any moment! I'm starting to understand why Chatterbox is throwing her a bone.
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This was my 5 minute Stream of Consciousness Sunday post. It’s five minutes of your time and a brain dump. Want to try it? Here are the rules…

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