I need your help! What Should I do?

I have hit the last 13 or so days of my vacation home and my guesstimate weight gain total is about 25 lbs (11.4 kilos).

Houston, we have a problem.

I'm no ok with this. I'm fine with some weight fluctuation but it's not ok to be a little disgusted of yourself in the mirror.  Hey, in my defense, I didn't know I was this vain either.

The thing is, I went head first into food upon my arrival. I had no idea that my metabolism had gotten the memo that I had turned 30 and had given birth to two babies.  There you go underestimating... or overestimating, your body again Rachel.

And while I'm doing "The Firm" videos quasi daily, which I am as embarrassed to admit as you are to read, it is not working.  Sadly, my DVD did not come with a lipo vacuum attachment.  Now that would help you firm, not the side step and the samba for 40 minutes.

Oh the insanity of it all. I'd be fine if I were staying here where the season allows for Moo Moo sweaters to be cool under the right circumstance, but I'm not.  I'm going home to Rio de Janeiro where I will have to wear a bikini.  I think my stomach is going to eat it... God forbid, maybe even my ass.

So what to do?

That is where you guys come in! In my full dramatic way, I want you to decide what to do and I want you to be honest with me. None of this, oh I'm sure you look great load of crap.  What would you do if you were feeling like I do now?

The options I give are:

1.  Say Fuck it, pardon my French.  I'm already screwed might as well eat as much as possible, even though I don't really want to eat that much at this point because I have been eating as much as possible.  Phewww, long one.

2.  Keep up the 80s video jazzercise and eat a smidgen better.  Upon arriving home, good diet and an active lifestyle will make your body return eventually.  Maybe once the boys are back in school, you can even join pilates once again.  FYI: this is very balanced, sound, and middle ground. I am none of the above. I am rash, irrational, and indecisive. I don't know if I can stick to this one, no matter how sane it may be.

3.  Do the Master Cleanse, but for 7 days max... maybe just 5.  Yes, I'm a gluten for punishment but seriously, not looking forward to this one. The weird potion you drink, no food, and all that.  Makes me nervous.  And I know I will gain back the majority that I lose. But I will say, the 3 days I managed to do the other cleanse gave me a great jump start.  I figure, if I can get the extra frontal baggage off, at least 50%, I can do the other half sanely.

4.  Spontaneously thought of idea by you.  This is the thing that popped into your head while reading 1 through 3.

Now, I know you think I've made up my mind but, once again, refer to the second to last sentence of option 2.  Indecisive to the core.

So you tell me, honestly, if you were me, what would you do? You are a bit out of control right now with your eating, you are not craving any food from here in particular at this point, you are a bit disgusted with the girth, and are totally irrational.

By the way, I also am aware that while I put on weight, it's not that big of a deal. I know I'm being a big poor sport about the whole thing. Just a little whine with my wine.  But seriously, I hate feeling this way about myself.  Such a little pity party and it's starting to get me down.

So, what's the verdict?

A Salt Cleanse: The Beginning and the End

Today will be the start of another mini-cleanse.  Nina is doing the sea salt cleanse and I decided I would go ahead and try it.  No, I do not have a love for diarrhea but I do like a good easy way out. 

Yes, I am also well aware that there are no easy ways out.  I feel this is another kick off. Let's just be honest, I've eaten as much in 4 weeks as a family in small town China eats in a year.  And no, I'm not a China hater nor exaggerating. 

While I am not obsessed with my form, I am aware that I will be returning to Rio de Janeiro, mid summer. While I can't, or am possibly unwilling, to correct my currect Casper like skin color, I can help my bloat. 

I will not go back to Rio in the peak of summer looking like an albino, over-stuffed turkey.  Not going to happen. 

While the 'If you vomit, wait and try to drink mixture again' in the instructions threw me for a loop, I decided, hell, why not.  If I throw up, I won't swallow anymore.  Get your minds out of the gutter!

By the way, totally almost throwing up over here.  Still holding my own though.  If I had an affinity for vomiting, I wouldn't need a cleanse anyway.  Ohhh, so wrong!

Anyway, the goal is to stop eating like I will be dying tomorrow.  So I'm nursing my 3rd 500 ml glass of tepid sea salt water. Jealous much! I'm thinking I will not make it to two liters. I know I should really try, stomach ma...

And the cleanse has begun.

That was fast.  I'm thinking, this was fun. It was really nice to meet you salt cleanse.  It's not you, it's me.  I think I got confused and was looking for something in the wrong place.  No, no, please don't call. I will not be answering.

Apparently a couple of trips to the bathroom resets my brain. Doesn't this flush require you to drink a ridiculously large amount of sodium. Sure, your body doesn't absorb it and you poop it out. Sounds nice in theory.

And won't the bloat just come back when I drink a glass of water?  Ok, I'm going to continue to poop this stuff out because, let's face it, I have no other option.  Tomorrow will be the start to a new day and, not surprisingly, a saltless one.

I think we all learned a little something here. First, Rachel will try just about anything once.  2nd, sea salt flushes (aka Diarrhea diets) are not fun.  3rd. I like to eat.

Do with that information what you will.  As for me, I'm going back to the bathroom.

Pilates: Healthy or Hot?

So I have my first ever pilates class this afternoon. It´s one of those try it out and see if you like it classes the specialty gyms let you do in Rio de Janeiro. I´m excited and I have no idea why. I´ve never done pilates before. I know it is "core" training but that´s about it.

I really just hope that I don´t pass gas during class. It would be possible with all the leafy greens I´m eating. And why on Earth did I decide to eat cabbage for lunch when I knew I´d be strapped to machines later in the day. I swear, I´m a glutton for punishment.  

And you know, with this cleanse, and pilates, I´m turning into one of two things. Either a total and complete body obsessed Patricinha* (minus being rich) or an Alternative health person.

Let´s see how these 10 days roll.  If I start getting my nails done and going shopping for new closes to fit my healthier body, Patricinha it is.  If I make appointments for myself, my children, and my husband to all see an acupuncturist, then Health person wins out.

By the way, my Mother in Law would be so stoked if I turned to Chinese Medicine.  It would just make her tea boil. 

Funny thing is, both types of people happily co-inhabit Rio de Janeiro. We are a hub for the body conscious, both the superficially and the health obsessed. 

Personally, I hope to find myself somewhere in between.  I hope to live a healthier life and not depend on coffee as a jump start each morning.  I also hope to get my flat stomach back. Yes, I want a miracle that removes the extra fluidity of my stomach muscles after carrying two children.   

Can´t we have it all? I´m sure a salon providing mani pedis and colonics would do splendidly in Zona Sul. 
I can see it now. Get the shit cleaned out of your nails and yourself, all at the same time.


* Patricinha is slang for a conceited, rich, and usually very attractive woman. They normally have super tight bodies, dress nicely, and have very little to say.  The male version is a Play Boy. 

Let the Cleanse Begin

So I finally decided on a cleanse. And you all thought I was going to flake out on the idea. 

I´m going to do an intestinal cleanse a friend of mine recommended.  That means I will be consuming Cateto rice and steamed veggies for 10 days.  Oh yes, we´re talking breakfast, lunch, and dinner for 10 to 21 whole days. I´m putting 10 in my head because that seems far more feasible.  If all goes well, maybe I´ll stretch it out...but I doubt it. 

Why put myself through this, you ask.  Actually, I´m not quite sure. If I really think about it, I don´t want to go through the coffee and sugar withdrawals.  It´s scary to think about it. I´m cranky in the morning with my coffee and sugar.  Just imagine how I will be, the first couple of days, without. I am not envious of my family. 

And don´t even mention wine.  My dear friend wine.  

The real reason I want to do this is because it´s time to be healthier. It´s time to really see what my body can do. I used to live off of microwavable crap and feel great. Seriously, all through college, and a couple years afterward, my diet consisted of microwavable pizzas and instant pastas.  I rarely ate fruit or veggies.  Let´s not even get into the regular drinking. 

But I was in my late teens and early 20s. You can pull off that kind of madness.  I can´t anymore. I´m exhausted, I´m bloated, and I`m gassy. I know what you are thinking, sexy. Dead sexy. Shockingly, not so much. Flatulence is not foreplay people.

Anyway, my body is a smidgen older and needs a little more care.  I figure, it´s like changing the oil in your car, only I`m doing it to my intestines. 

Now the real issue with be not falling back into old habits.  I´m a bit of a glutton.  I love me some overindulgence. 

Well, we´ll see what happens.  Wish me luck!