I need your help! What Should I do?

I have hit the last 13 or so days of my vacation home and my guesstimate weight gain total is about 25 lbs (11.4 kilos).

Houston, we have a problem.

I'm no ok with this. I'm fine with some weight fluctuation but it's not ok to be a little disgusted of yourself in the mirror.  Hey, in my defense, I didn't know I was this vain either.

The thing is, I went head first into food upon my arrival. I had no idea that my metabolism had gotten the memo that I had turned 30 and had given birth to two babies.  There you go underestimating... or overestimating, your body again Rachel.

And while I'm doing "The Firm" videos quasi daily, which I am as embarrassed to admit as you are to read, it is not working.  Sadly, my DVD did not come with a lipo vacuum attachment.  Now that would help you firm, not the side step and the samba for 40 minutes.

Oh the insanity of it all. I'd be fine if I were staying here where the season allows for Moo Moo sweaters to be cool under the right circumstance, but I'm not.  I'm going home to Rio de Janeiro where I will have to wear a bikini.  I think my stomach is going to eat it... God forbid, maybe even my ass.

So what to do?

That is where you guys come in! In my full dramatic way, I want you to decide what to do and I want you to be honest with me. None of this, oh I'm sure you look great load of crap.  What would you do if you were feeling like I do now?

The options I give are:

1.  Say Fuck it, pardon my French.  I'm already screwed might as well eat as much as possible, even though I don't really want to eat that much at this point because I have been eating as much as possible.  Phewww, long one.

2.  Keep up the 80s video jazzercise and eat a smidgen better.  Upon arriving home, good diet and an active lifestyle will make your body return eventually.  Maybe once the boys are back in school, you can even join pilates once again.  FYI: this is very balanced, sound, and middle ground. I am none of the above. I am rash, irrational, and indecisive. I don't know if I can stick to this one, no matter how sane it may be.

3.  Do the Master Cleanse, but for 7 days max... maybe just 5.  Yes, I'm a gluten for punishment but seriously, not looking forward to this one. The weird potion you drink, no food, and all that.  Makes me nervous.  And I know I will gain back the majority that I lose. But I will say, the 3 days I managed to do the other cleanse gave me a great jump start.  I figure, if I can get the extra frontal baggage off, at least 50%, I can do the other half sanely.

4.  Spontaneously thought of idea by you.  This is the thing that popped into your head while reading 1 through 3.

Now, I know you think I've made up my mind but, once again, refer to the second to last sentence of option 2.  Indecisive to the core.

So you tell me, honestly, if you were me, what would you do? You are a bit out of control right now with your eating, you are not craving any food from here in particular at this point, you are a bit disgusted with the girth, and are totally irrational.

By the way, I also am aware that while I put on weight, it's not that big of a deal. I know I'm being a big poor sport about the whole thing. Just a little whine with my wine.  But seriously, I hate feeling this way about myself.  Such a little pity party and it's starting to get me down.

So, what's the verdict?

Say What?!

Wow, so the list of what I have not gotten used to in Portuguese just increased. 

I had to call to make an appointment for an ultrasound. Apparently I may be more hormonal than most women. Isn´t my husband lucky.  

Knowing how forgetful I am, I called the special woman ultrasound place right after my appointment.  I´ve only ever gotten ultrasounds while pregnant in Rio so I didn´t know women have to go to special lady places to get their lady parts ultrasounds. It does kind of make sense. I wonder if everything is going to be pink and be covered in lilies...

Anyway, I felt like I was signing up to have Lula do my freakin´ultrasound. I got the 3rd degree. It´s very rare that I feel overwhelmed and, you guessed it, I did.  

It doesn´t help that I understood about 50%. Nothing like an anxious operator to make me feel retarded speaking Portuguese.  I totally lost her after the 'You have to arrive here 15 minutes early and we will run 15 minutes late'.  I think that´s what caused my confusion. I got stuck on their plan to be late. I mean, what is that? 

In the end she asked me if I understood and if I could please repeat back to her the date and time of my appointment.  Yes teacher, I know the answer. Please give me a gold star. 

I guess you could say I´m scared. If the operator is this blunt what in the hell are the techs going to be like!

On a side note, after this day, as it´s the perfect excuse, the 'detox' died.  I mean, the hormone suspicion alone is enough to push a girl over. I just turned 30 and OPA my hormones are dying out on me.  And as a bonus, blood tests, ultrasounds, and a pap. 

Is it just me or is it Christmas?  Well, just in case it is, I made me a big old sandwich to celebrate. Lifes too short and I`m too thin as it is. Yeah food!

A little Bump in the Road

The problem with brown rice and steamed veggies is that it runs through my system like tequila.  Quick and ugly. 

I ate a big meal of this stuff before I headed out to drop the kiddies off at school and go downtown to teach my classes for the day.  I swear, the moment my foot hit the pavement I was hungry.  No, this was not temptation as there are no restaurants particularly close to my home. I was just hungry, such is the story of my life for the past 3 days. 

So I´m screwed. I didn´t bring a tupperware because I felt like a dork.  Like I was going to bust out a Dora lunchbox on the metro. My best option was to stop for a juice at the juice stand near Largo do Machado and get a natural juice, no sugar. 

I was waiting patiently for my juice when I smelled it.  It was heaven on a plate of grease. Before I turned to look, I knew what it is.  The greasy looking teenager who was sitting next to me received his even greasier looking order. It was a HUGE cheese burger, 2 patties and no salad, as they say here in Rio. 

I bet you are thinking I´m going to say I was disgusted.  Oh no, quite the contrary. I was turned on. That hamburger had me at hello. 

No, I did not cheat.  Cheaters never win and winners never cheat. Didn´t you see that Back to School special? 

Anyway, I just sighed and drank my freakin´ O.J.  I think I overestimated myself and underestimated this diet.  It´s going to take a lot more to make this girl granola! 

Granola here I come

Ok, I´ve been converted. Loved loved loved Pilates!

It´s slow but requires focus and strength. I feel stretched out and yet I know my thighs and abs will be killing me tomorrow! Yeah! Seriously, I´m one of those sick people who like the burn.  Not that burn! 

Plus, it has the whole breathing thing that totally reminds me of the good part of a cigarette.  I don´t think my brain has ever had that much oxygen before. Well, at least not, on and off, for the past 10 years. 

And you know what, I´m starting to get scared. I´m enjoying the taste of, get this, vegetables.  Plain veggies!  I used to make fun of people like this.  But in all honestly, I forgot the real taste of veggies. We put so much stuff on them, especially in Brazil, that you can´t even taste it. Hell, when my maid makes veggies, she boils them and then sautes them in oil with garlic, salt, and onion.  There´s nothing left to it by the time she´s done but it sure as hell tastes good.

It´s sad but true, I´ve been reformed. I really don´t know how long it´ll last. I´m sometimes quite rash and random with my decisions if you haven´t noticed.  But I feel great! I was feeling like crap before pilates but now, wow, now I´m on fire. I know I´ll crash soon but I wonder how I´ll feel when the whole detox part is done.

So maybe there´s something to this "clean" living thing. I mean, it´s not like it´s too hard to do in Brazil. Fruits and Veggies are a dime a dozen.  Fish and lean proteins are also easy to find and not too bad on the pocketbook, depending on the kind. 

I guess it´s like the kind of gas you put in the car. Mr Rant always wants to buy premium.  I say buy regular and cheap. He says the car runs better and longer with premium. I say that´s the man trying to get you to give him your money.  Maybe we´re both right. 

So in the end, I may turn into a granola, at least I come with Açai.

Day 1 of Dietary Detox

Wow.  This is harder than I thought. It´s only 230pm on my first day and I already am feeling it. 

It started with my stomach feeling weird. Not bad but weird.  It´s the only way I can explain it. I told myself it was a placebo effect or the fact that I haven´t gone yet. You know, GONE yet. Apparently my 2 morning cups of coffee aid the passage of certain things. 

Then headache started. Oh the headache.  Could be the lack of coffee.  But that doesn´t explain the cravings. People, I´m craving cake like an obese pregnant woman. It´s out of control. And the kicker is, I don´t even really like cake! I´m much more of a cookie person. Mmmmm cookies. 

Seriously though, I´m craving sugar.  I´d almost make out with a horse just to get a stab at a sugar cube.  And it´s only the first day!

But it´ll get easier with time, as I adapt and my withdrawals lessen.  Or that´s what I`m telling myself. 

So I´ve found the granola foodie people a bit nutty. Pun intended.  You know, you are what you eat and your energy is being blocked by your consumption of dairy, caffeine, or crap in general. 

I mean, I never ate that bad.  Or so I thought. But should I really be noticing anything so early in the game.  If all the foodies are right and my body is a temple, my worshipers should be weary of my wrath! Something is telling me that this temple is full of crap, literally and figuratively. 

Anyway, so far so good. I´m looking forward to seeing or not seeing changes in how my body feels. Let´s see if there really is something to this whole cleansing thing.  And during low moments, like when I served my boys their oh so tasty looking meatballs, I just remind myself that when this is done, I get a pizza! 4 cheeses baby!

And now I know why I´ve been thinking about pizza, craving sugar, and have a headache.  I stumbled upon this article looking for something Real life Spirituality: Detox body and mind. She talks about the mental eating habits we have and such. I hear that. That´s why I`m in the little pickle I´m in.  I do see myself going back to normal food though, but my hopes are that it´s with a bit more adult-like responsibility.

Detox

30 went and did something to me.  I can only explain it the way my 3 yr old explains anything random, magic.  I´m suddenly very aware of my habits. Many of them don´t even fit me anymore (like the all too occasional cigarette) but I do them anyway. 

Well, 30 is a great age to break habits and become anew. 

It isn´t just being 30.  I´m tired. And yes, I am aware two small children will do that to you, especially when you have to cook most meals from scratch and hang your laundry.  But I think it´s more than that. I used to do some sort of daily physical activity, other than cart 40 kilos to the park. I used to eat roughage on a regular basis.  And I never drank coke.  Brazil undid that last one for me.

So what to do about it? I´ve decided, true to rash Rachel ways, do some sort of cleanse. That´s where you guys come in. I know nothing about this stuff. I´ve heard about the master cleanse but refuse to do that one. Yuck for one reason and because I wouldn´t even know where to get cayenne pepper here.  Oh and we can´t forget that good maple syrup is far too sacred in Brazil to drink in a cup with lemon.  Oh the sacrilege!

Anyway, I would love if anyone could recommend something that won´t just wipe me out completely. I know, eat health, start slow, breath, etc etc. Not my thing people. I need a jump start. Strap me in, I´m ready for a shock! 

In all seriousness, I do want a jump start. I want to start living a cleaner and more energetic life.  I realize that my energy levels, moods, and all around health are not just a given anymore.  It takes me 2 days to recover from staying up late for heaven´s sake.  Don´t even ask me how long it takes to get over a night out drinking! 

So let´s Detox. Anyone with me?  What steps do I take?